[#i'm getting flashbacks to draco in eyeliner and leather trousers fic] w...what...
okay so about 10ish years ago, for some reason (early/mid-2000′s emo/pop punk — this is the reason) there was an upsurge in fanfiction in which Draco dressed like a cross between Davey Havok and Ryan Ross. eyeliner, skinny jeans, fringe falling in his eyes, the whole shebang. this phenomenon usually occurred in oneshot lemon songfics (three terms that are no longer in vogue, which saddens me deeply). they varied depending on the pairing, but they were guaranteed to be badly-written, ooc, AMAZING THRILL RIDES.
imagine: WALL/FLOOR SEX, ALWAYS. “his length”, never anything else. tongues battling for dominance. no rimming or oral, at all, ever, because everyone on fanfiction.net was 13. “her core” (is she an APPLE?). Harry and Draco always bumped into each other while storming, angst-ridden, around the school at night, and punched each other with their MOUTHS. Draco and Hermione always became head boy and girl and had sex in a train compartment on the way to school (Granger had changed so much over the summer! Malfoy was so tormented and delicate!) OR, even better, in THE HEAD BOY AND GIRLS’ SHARED DORMITORY AND COMMON ROOM, which was a figment of the collective fandom’s imagination and came in so, so useful. I’m sure Draco and Ginny got up to similar shit too, probably titled “Fire And Ice” with a quote from the Frost poem at the beginning instead of Taking Back Sunday lyrics.
what else? AUTHOR’S NOTES were such a big thing, and sometimes appeared IN THE MIDDLE OF THE FIC to explain something the reader might not have picked up on. the xD emoticon. “don’t like don’t read” pasted all over everything, usually preceded by something like “SLASH!!! BOYLOVE!!! BOY/BOY!!!” and “I suck at summaries!” EPITHETS, which unfortunately are still a thing, but were particularly horrendous and off-putting when sprinkled liberally throughout terrible Drarry fic. “the Slytherin.” “the Gryffindor.” “the grey-eyed boy.” “the green-eyed lad.” sometimes “the boy who lived” or “the rival seeker” — oh, and fucking “Dray.” DRAY. DO YOU THINK DRACO MALFOY WOULD EVER LET ANYONE CALL HIM “DRAY” AND LIVE TO TELL THE TALE?
in conclusion: it was the best of times/it was the worst of times.
(Author’s Note: I don’t feel at all bad mocking the shit out of this type of fic and its writers because I AM ONE OF THEM xD! I wrote terrible early 00’s oneshot lemon songfics. boy/boy! don’t like don’t read!!! the only one any I can remember with anything approaching clarity (thank you @mists of time) was called XO, after the Fall Out Boy song, and genuinely was about Harry and Draco angrily stomping around the school at night and bumping into each other, lengths-first xD. I am guilty of this bangin’ sin. *glomps Draco*)
