Crack headcanons
Because I have the best/worst friends in the world. Please do no take these seriously, ily all.
All these questions came in as headcanons asks for this meme.
@deamus requested: “An alternative timeline/What if for Luigi/Lucius.”
Alright so if Lucius were to be put in the Mario Kart universe, he would be one of those characters that isn’t really good per se, but he LOOK really good so especially new players get tricked into driving with him anyway but they’ll look great when they lose because his fucking car can’t drift well. Luigi, as well all know, is a pretty good character, so they’d quickly build a rivalry and then we cut to an incredible enemies to lovers 200K fic. It ends with a kiss on the finish line after some really talented player has FINALLY managed to find a way to make Lucius not fail. Happy?
@deamus requested: “The best place to kiss Aragog on his body?”
The top of his head, it’s a cute and affectionate kiss. But be warned he’s a monstrous spider so you will die.
@deamus asked: “The best place to kiss bug!Rita Skeeter on her body?”
I mean she’s a tiny bug, I think if you kiss her you kiss the whole bug so that’s the answer: whole body. Treat her right, try not to accidentally swallow her.
@deamus asked: “Bug!Rita’s guilty pleasure?”
Does it count as a guilty pleasure if she doesn’t feel guilty but SHOULD? Bc he guilty pleasure is spying on people to drag their name through the mud.
@deamus asked: “Bug!Rita’s tickle spots?”
I don’t think bugs are ticklish and if you try to tickle her you might accidentally squash her. But also the space underneath the bug’s wings.
@deamus asked: “Kreacher’s fears or phobias.”
He and Harry share a fear of pidgeons.
@deamus asked: “Norbert’s bad memories.”
Norbert accidentally burned his teddy bear on the way to Romania and he still feels so guilty over that. Also something traumatic to do with pidgeons that ties into Kreacher’s fear.
@deamus asked: “Fluffy’s ticklish spots?”
His stomach and the neck of the middle head, he’ll go wild so you might die but it’ll be worth it. Fluffy’s a good boy.
@boryasgldfnch asked: “Umbridge’s tickle spots?”
Her feet. I fucking dare you.
@boryasgldfnch asked: “Hagrid’s guilty pleasures?”
He sings opera like, all the time when he thinks he’s alone but his voice is really loud so the whole castle knows.
@boryasgldfnch asked: “Best place to kiss Firenze on his body?”
ANY PART OF HIM THAT’S NOT HORSE. Just go for the human lips to be safe here okay? Okay. Also his neck, who doesn’t love neck kisses?
@boryasgldfnch asked: “What gets Regulus Black flustered?”
Life. Also imagining Kreacher in a hulu skirt.
@yesperfahey asked: “Alternative Timeline for Vince aka @deamus”
So if Vince was Dutch he would have been taller and it’d have been the worst bc he’s already taller than me. He probably would be the kid that got his bike stolen once a month, and he’d consistently fail to eat a herring sandwich right. We’d be better friends bc I’d force him to come to Groningen so we could do ABBA during karaoke with our screeching voices, and generally he’d just be a better person.
Also he would not know our national anthem tbh there’s always a few people who just never learn it and?? Yes that’s Vince.
@boryasgldfnch asked: “What if Firenze fell in love with Umbridge?”
So he meets her in the forest and it’s love at first sight, at least for him. She calls him a filthy halfbreed and it breaks his heart and then they never meet again and he’ll spend the rest of his life wondering “What if she had been less of a horrible person and also half horse?? Would it have worked??” and it’s very tragic.