⚜On the wings of the night amidst the stars ⚜

I kind of have a feeling that the reason Snape took on stuff like the unbreakable vow was not just because he wanted to do good in his very difficult way and because he had compassion for women and children on some level and because he didn't fear death. I have the distinct notion that the hand he extended for the unbreakable vow was also a hand he took. Not consciously I think but certainly subconsciously. It was the hand of a woman who offered him a way out, who offered him a way to die. I'm pretty sure that he wouldn't have killed himself because he would consider this weakness and he seems to despise weakness deeply. He also didn't want to die in a useless way I would think, just dying of a random illness or something was probably not his first choice even though I think it's not far fetched that he had suicidal tendencies since his childhood and who could blame him, there wasn't much love in his life ever.

But dying for a good cause, something he himself considers good and worthy, now that's another thing. I think he loved his mother and I think he had a comparatively good relationship with her even though it probably wasn't that close. But seeing this theme reappear in his life I would just dare to make that claim.

And I think he really couldn't deal with his big negative feelings and there was so much hopelessness, so I think dying a hero was, from his standpoint, really the best way out.

So today I had an experience that was really really shitty and I mean really shitty. Something that hit me to the core even though someone else would not have thought it so big but to me it was really really bad. I'm still dealing with it.

But one thing I would like to share, because it was an insight I got and maybe it speaks to some of you. I was super angry following this stuff and I was really out of my mind in anger against everything and still am. Vengeful, raging, ready to deal out some massive repercussions. I want justice and other things like that. And I feel like God is not on my side even though He should be. I've been through a lot of trauma resolving already so I'm not new to this. I feel what I feel open with myself and I observe, only in some cases do I let it out at a person directly and even then you basically observe.

Anyways I noticed two things. 1) Unrelenting vengefulness is one side of completely unwavering loyalty and we should see it as such. It really helps in ways I'm only beginning to see.

2) God just doesn't change. I realized that now and I'm very touched that I did. God doesn't change and God doesn't punish. Ever. God is love and nothing but honest and genuine love. He does not punish. Even when I want Him to. He also doesn't punish me for wanting to punish someone else, He just showed me His love, if you will. So if you get punished, that's not from God and He doesn't want you to get punished and He doesn't believe you deserve punishment and He doesn't inflict punishment. I'm still working through the other aspects of this whole thing but seriously don't believe anyone who says you deserve to be punished and don't believe the thoughts in your own head that tell you you should be punished. It is not God's word and not God's will and aim. We all deserve better, interestingly.

(This should seriously make you question the interpretation about Jesus that we were fed so far. If you can really see (with your heart, not just with your head) that God is love and only acts with love consistently then the idea of "Jesus got punished in our stead" falls right off. Something even more amazing happened and I'm so much wanting to see what it really is!)