eventually you realize you don’t want to die. you just don’t want to live the life you’re living. and slowly you try to create a life you want to live. just gotta start there.

no one needs to add “sounds fake but ok”, “no”, “well, not me”, “impossible”, etc. to this post. and i’d rather you not.

one day you think: I want to die.

and then you think, very quietly: actually. actually. I think I want a coffee. a nap. a sandwich. a book.

and I want to die turns day by day into I want to go home, I want to walk in the woods, I want to see my friend, I want to sit in the sun

I want a cleaner kitchen

I want a better job

I want to live somewhere else

I want to live

GLOW UP

2 years ago vs today (well, 2 days ago)

About 2 years ago I went through one of the hardest periods of my life… the end of a destructive, unhealthy, codependent relationship.

It was one of those situations that started as the peak scene in everyone’s favourite indie romance - I’d never experienced so much joy, laughter, intimacy,  love - all at once. We were that couple who were it for eachother. That couple who looked at eachother and could see our entire lives together.

And slowly, through a series of well meaning but naive, dumb decisions, through lies, illnesses and spiralling, it ended like something from a horror film.

It’s hard to be in a situation where you experience the sweetest love and also complete abuse of that love from the same person. I can’t hate him. 2 Years later, and there’s still too many moments where I miss him. But every time I tell someone our story, I realise how bad it was. How bad we were for eachother.

I look at myself in this picture from 2 years ago, taken maybe a few weeks after he left. I barely recognise myself. I was failing classes, getting high 24 hours a day, refused to leave my apartment, even bleached my hair in some desperate attempt to mask my shame. To my friends I was turning a new leaf - going to parties again, getting back out there, moving on - but kept messaging him for months, worrying about him for hours every day, obsessively checking when he was last active online to check he was still alive. I was comforting him with my heart that had been completely destroyed, until he finally got so bad that I had to cut off communication. And I felt that I couldn’t tell anyone about it, because at that time, more than anything else? I was so ashamed.

So after months of isolation, escapism and loneliness, it slowly started to get better. There was a lot of ups and downs in the process. I didn’t take the path someone else might have taken. There was a lot of denial in the process. As they say, healing is never linear. But here I am today… not always happy, maybe with a bit of a wall still around my heart, but moving towards that carefree girl I used to be. I deserve to be her again… and when I see the smile I wear today, I hope she’ll be back soon.

What to do when you don't know what to do

·       Get out of bed. Do that now.

·       Go into the bathroom and remove all of your clothing. I have fat that gathers into massive love handles, stretch marks on every bit of skin that isn’t flat. But when my clothes are all off, with no fabric to bother me, no illusion of what my body looks like and all I can see is myself, I feel better. I feel more wholesome. Maybe you will, too.

·       Run your hands over it, turn around. Have no illusion of what your body looks like. It’s not as bad as you think. Get a good picture in your mind of anything you want to attend to. Make a list if you need to, only about your body.

·       Brush your hair through, if you have it.

·       Put your hair up and out of the way, if it’s long.

·       Floss and brush your teeth very well. Take your time on this. Do it twice if you need to. Your breath won’t feel as thick, you won’t feel as heavy.

·       Put on lots of chapstick or balm right afterwards

·       Wash any parts of your body that you need to.

·       Blow your nose until there’s nothing left, get it all out. You’re probably clogged up.

·       Clip your nails, take off any old polish. Push your cuticles back.

·       Wash your hair, if you want to.

·       If you (like to)shave, shave everything. You’ll feel weightless. Only fill up the bath a little bit and do it over the edge. You’ll just feel dirty if you sit in hair.

·       Drink a full glass of water. Don’t sip, don’t chug. Just don’t set it down until it’s gone.

·       Dress yourself in whatever way you feel ready for the day. Yoga pants, sweatpants, t-shirts, dresses, shorts. Whatever way that makes things easier.

·       Eat. Eat something. Don’t pull random bits of food from random boxes. Prepare it at once and sit down. Take this time to rest.

·       Get a drink of your choice, as long as it isn’t alcohol. As a matter of fact, if there’s alcohol on the counter, put it away. Don’t look at it. It will only give you a headache. Make yourself chocolate milk, water, a smoothie, a soda, whatever sounds nice.

·       Sit on the floor and forget about everything you need to think about. Set a timer for exactly one minute. Close your eyes, and during that one minute, pay attention to how your body feels. Ask yourself these questions. Am I sore anywhere? Stretch this bit out, put more pressure on it. Focus on your muscles. Keep your back completely straight. Did I eat enough? Think about your stomach. Focus on your breathing. Listen to the air. Can you hear the sound of your lights? A ceiling fan? Your joints? Don’t open your eyes until the time is up. This minute will pass very quickly.

·       Get a good old fashioned piece of notebook paper and a pencil. If you don’t have that use your phone or computer. Make a list of every little thing you need to do. Everything matters. Every errand, homework assignment, thing that needs cleaned, health issue… all of it.

·       Do it now. Check things off as you go. As you see things disappear, your head will be more clear.

·       Don’t forget to take your pills.

·       If you’ve been putting off your homework, fix yourself a snack and a tall drink of something warm. Get all of the supplies you need. Sit down and plow through it. If you need help with homework, message a friend, a family member, even message me. I’ll try and help you. It won’t take as long as you think, your mind is just cluttered. Repeat to yourself “this is what I am working on now. This is what is important now. I will feel lighter when I am finished.” Even if the assignment is due in a few weeks, more than likely it is too much to do in one night. Split it up into quarters. Work for one hour, and if you’re close, finish it off. Give yourself this one hour.

·       You don’t have to make your bed, but take off the blankets and shake them out. If there’s crumbs on the mattress, vacuum, or wipe them off. If you have dirty clothes, put them in the hamper.

·       Now that your day is free, deal with your social problems. Is there someone you’ve been meaning to apologize to? Something you’ve upset? Something you’re unsure of? You have all of the rest of the day to deal with it. Take your time.

·       Before bed, pay special attention to your face. Wash it, clean your ears, put on acne medicine, moisturize it. Anything on your face that needs to be attended to. See how beautiful you are? Your skin will drink it up, it will look better tomorrow. Do this constantly.

·       Listen to songs you haven’t in a while. You forgot that one verse, the reason why you kept it.

·       Make a list of questions. How does a remote work? Why do we have toenails? What is this word? Look them up. They’re right there to know.

·       Ask for help

·       It’s fine to cry. I feel warm in the face afterwards. I feel smaller afterwards, less huge. Less of a problem. You need to understand that we want to matter, but when we mess up we don’t want it to matter. It goes both ways. You are the most important person. Your mistakes only have weight to you. Nobody minds as much as you think they do.

·       Do these things. Do them now.