Prickly Thorn, But Sweetly Worn

Imagine how absolutely baffled a Roman soldier from like 0 AD would be upon being transported suddenly to a very Christian rural midwestern town and seeing crosses everyfuckingwhere

He’d draw a lot of somewhat incorrect conclusions about our culture very quickly

"This town is full of very very small criminals...."

I was going to say “weird and arbitrary things are marked with the threat of execution” but yours is funnier

Christians hate when a gay man goes “fuck it, I’ll gladly go to Hell if you want me to so bad” because it takes the edge away from their tools of fear. If they can’t scare you with threats of eternal damnation then one of their main weapons is taken away.

calling out @brightismarstonight because yes

“You’re supposed to fear your father/parents” this isn’t the first time I’ve seen someone say that someone told them this in the tags. Christianity as an institution is one of the biggest shelters for abusers out there and this shit right here is how they do it.

choosing breeds of Christianity like do you prefer austere and minimalist antisemitism and homophobia or ornate and baroque antisemitism and homophobia, or perhaps Russian antisemitism and homophobia?

In love with the usage of “breeds” here like

Catholicism owners: This is an 85th generation purebred system of antisemitism and homophobia, we feed it only the finest organic grass-fed teleological proofs for the existence of God

Protestantism owners: This is Luther he likes bigotry

I am losing my mind this is so funny

Moses: Behold, the power of God. *turns a stick into a live snake in front of everyone*

Rameses:

love this post

@apocrypals this is real

as much as the concept of Jesus being a fairly normal lad has its charms, im personally very intrigued by the idea of him being just… extremely weird. not even in a mystical sense, just…….staggeringly BIZZARRE. 

you go to the well to get some water, and here’s Miriam’s boy, staring at the sky, completely still. his expression is unreadable. you hazard a hello and ask how he’s doing, and he slowly, unblinkingly, lowers his gaze on you (he’s 8 and is missing his frontal teeth, not that this is making you any less uncomfortable) and says “I cannot speak of the state of my being, Nathan son of Saul, my brother, but rejoice for the water you shall take today will be as pure as the soul of the children of Heaven”

…you start sweating

normal person in 1st century Nazareth: making my way downtown, walking fast

*sees J boy, 8 yo, staring at you from across the street*

normal person: walking faster 

even funnier, the only person 100% on board with his Prophetic Kid Talk is his mother Miriam, an otherwise placid, absolutely normal woman around 25 or so

kid JC, coming home at twilight, a single white dove following him and chirping with weirdly human-like precision:

 moth̫́er,̦͌ ̮̉i h͙̉av͔̽e ͓͗b̘̃r̞̓o̮͘u̲̒gh̟͒t̺́ you a do̗͐ṽ͙e̢͘ ͈̾m͒͢a͈̽dē̝ ỏ̘f ͈̓c̆͜l͔̂aỷ͇ aṋ̑d̳̿ g͢͞i̹̾fted̖͡ ̻͐it ͓͂w̖̿it̎͜h t̥̃h͙͒e ̨̒m̧̂i̡̍ŗ͒â̫cḷ̔è̤ ̛̻of̞̅ l̘̈i̛̦fè̳

Miriam: ! that’s my little boy :) now let’s go get ready for dinner :) 

her husband Yosef, a carpenter who only marginally got signed up for this: 

This post is so Christian, but it’s the spicy kind of Christian that gets you murdered by other Christians for heresy, so I’m torn.

literally biggest form of compliment i’ve ever gotten

that means the angels are babysitters then

here have more

You guys really need to read Christopher Moore’s Lamb, if you haven’t.

Always reblog Cryptid Jesus

I made more. cause it’s fun

I love that you guys used their actual names

I did not consider Eldritch Baby Jesus.

I did not consider that the modern form of Yeshua is Joshua, meaning our lord and saviour can be referred to as Josh!

honestly Catholicism and Catholic culture are fascinating. from a distance! from a distance

it’s like seeing apex predators at the zoo. like it’s interesting but you’re grateful for the plexiglass and you cannot relate on any level to the people trying to jump over the fence

One time my rabbi told us, “imagine you had a box with a little bit of god in it. What would you do with the box?”

So we were like ?? “We’d protect it and keep it nice and clean and polished” and he was like “your body’s that box. Stop eating markers”

Every time I come across this post the last sentence smacks me in the face

i haven’t really seen anyone on here talk about this so i thought i’d share cause this is absolutely upsetting and scary and we need to do something about it!!!!

Hello, I am from Belgium and there is a petition against the ban, you can sign it here! 

outrageous, lemme just sign that seventeen times and boost this

Now listen, you rich people, weep and wail because of the misery that is coming on you. Your wealth has rotted, and moths have eaten your clothes. Your gold and silver are corroded. Their corrosion will testify against you and eat your flesh like fire. You have hoarded wealth in the last days. Look! The wages you failed to pay the workers who mowed your fields are crying out against you. The cries of the harvesters have reached the ears of the Lord Almighty. You have lived on earth in luxury and self-indulgence. You have fattened yourselves in the day of slaughter. You have condemned and murdered the innocent one, who was not opposing you.— James 5:1-6

At first I thought this was an angry Tumblr post but then it turned out to be the Literal Bible and it got 1000x better

i thought op was a witch and was cursing rich people and i got so into it

I have a really complex relationship with religion, but here’s something positive

I am OBSESSED with this tiktok

@bearfeathers​

My favorite catholic lore is that anyone can make holy water in a pinch but the church puts dumb restrictions on us like ‘do this only if someone needs their last rites’ like I WILL bless this McDonald’s sprite and I WILL enjoy the crispiness of our lord and savior

Another bit is that holy water cannot be diluted. When I went to the Vatican the tour guide was explaining this, if you put any amount of holy water into any amount of normal water, the whole bunch becomes holy. This is how they sell Pope Holy Water in the gift shop. This is how I've been drinking only holy water for two months now. I am immune to demons.

Homeopathic holy

It’s not actually any amount of holy water- according to the Church, the water has to be more than half holy water by volume. So if you take a half gallon+a few drops of holy water and a half gallon of secular water, you get one gallon of holy water, plus a few drops. You can then add a gallon of secular water to that and then you have two gallons of holy water. We’ve got a couple jugs of Pope Water in the linen closet at my parents’ house, because my mom used the heck out of this loophole after a trip to Italy in 2008. It was more than a decade ago at this point and we still have Pope Water. We no longer have that Pope, but by god do we have his water.

Here’s what a jug of Pope water looks like. Mom measured a fill line on them so that we never accidentally run out and just have old jugs of secular water lying around.

— Rabbi Joseph Telushkin, Jewish Literacy (via ourwakingsoules)