“Be the same person to everyone.” is bad advice.
There, I said it.
It’s not bad in intent—just bad in execution by an autistic person.
I cannot "be the same person to every single person!" and be successful in socializing.
I cannot be as friendly as I am with my friends with a potential sales lead, because that would be weird on many levels.
I cannot be as surface-level as I am with cashiers as I am with friends, because that would be weird on many levels. (Or worse, my friends would think I’m mad at them.)
When you tell autistic people to "be the same person to everyone" in their life, they will take you literally like I did.
And the result of that little experiment was:
- strangers thinking I couldn’t hold my shit together
- acquaintances distancing themselves from me
- friends feeling disconnected from me
- partners not knowing what I needed
The result of this advice, for me, was never changing my approach to communicating.
Which is a really fucking bad idea.
The Real Advice Is To Change Your “How”
The problem with the advice, “Be the same person to everyone,” is that it doesn’t account for how much goes into being a person.
There’s not just the Who, What, Why, and Where—there’s a How that’s part of you, as well.
I think this advice is recommending to keep the Ws the same:
- Who are you? Why?
- Who do you like? Why?
- Where do you live? Why?
- What are you interested in? Why?
- What are you trying to do with your life? Why?
But the how is what they forget to account for:
- How you communicate
- How you present yourself
- How you act around others
that is what needs to change, if you can afford the energy.
Social success is dependent on your ability to be malleable to different expectations of you depending on the context.