banal nadas (for @pixdoodles)

Letters We Should've Sent

Eight years pass and they both keep track of it, words they didn't share but should have. Words that might have made all the difference.

(very minor DAV spoilers sprinkled throughout)

Rating: T? If that? Word Count: 4,880

[ao3 link]

Preview

Solas, 

I am on my way to Orlais, and the sunrise is clearing the fog from a meadow where I’ve made camp, and I am thinking of you. Thinking of moments like this from years past, where we would rise before the others and walk to the edge of our campsite for a few stolen moments alone at dawn. I cannot help but wonder if you might think of them too, wherever you are now. Is it warm there? Are you in a city? The mountains? 

To have known it all, or what felt like it all, for so long, and now to have nothing is a wound I fear will never heal. How am I supposed to look at these places we once walked together the same way? How am I supposed to continue on like this - like everything is just how it was?

You are gone and I am…this. A woman broken by grief and anger and duty. Someone I no longer like or recognize and I’m sure you wouldn’t either. 

All anyone sees anymore is The Inquisitor. Even with the inquisition disbanded. 

I am no longer a woman or an elf or a person at all. I haven’t been in so long. I have become something other, entirely not my own and yet not belonging to anyone in particular either. I am not a figurehead of the chantry or a single nation, I do not belong to the humans or the elves or anyone else. It feels as though I have given away a small piece of myself to everyone that’s ever asked and now I am hollowed out, staring at a sunrise and wishing I had left it all behind to end the world with you. 

I can’t keep myself from writing letters, filling pages and pages with thoughts I wish I were mindlessly sharing with you, knowing I’ll never send them.

I don’t even know if I ought to write vhenan on these letters anymore. To write my love on paper feels foolish, even if you’ll never see it. But then you know - you have to know. I will never love another as I loved you. I will never see another sunrise and think of anything but the mornings where you told me you loved me and always would.

Were you the god of lies even then? 

-Morinne

the only way I'll accept Solas dying in Veilguard is if he and Lavellan fuck each other to death. on screen.

your duty

it's (NEW solavellan) WIP wednesday

(if you like, you can find my finished solavellan fics here. 💕)

having my regularly scheduled weekly freak-out over "whats the old dalish saying? may the dread wolf take you?" -> "and so he did." -> "i did not. i would not lay with you under false pretenses". i think i could literally unpack this for a thousand years and never be satisfied its so fucking insane. its so full of meaning. its so expertly written. its the kind of thing you'd only expect from fanfiction except its REAL.

the way he acts like he doesn't actually know the saying. but of course he knows the saying. of course he knows exactly how the dalish use his name and legacy as a curse of bad fortune. OF COURSE HE KNOWS THIS. we literally hear mihris say it to his face if you choose to attack her during his very first personal quest. the forced casualness of this line in such an otherwise tense and monumental moment of confrontation, "what's the old dalish saying?" with his sad little self-deprecating smile. its insane that he's saying this. its INSANE that he's bringing this up to her, RIGHT NOW OF ALL MOMENTS?? he's dropped the mask and he is so mortal, he's Chuckles making a wry, sarcastic comment, except its all wrong - because it's not funny and its not lighthearted and its not sarcastic, its carrying the weight of all of his lies and manipulation. how was he expecting her to respond????? certainly not how she does. his tone and face immediately changes when she says, "and so he did." her voice and face reflects the severity of the moment that he was trying to break with his levity, she denies him the break in tension he was trying to create.

"and so he did." "i did not. i would not lie with you under false pretenses". WHAT???????? WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! the way his thought process immediately goes to sex and interprets this as innuendo is I N S A N E. it is such a tone shift from the rest of the conversation to just throw this line out - but it's not out of character. he does make a few similar comments; "getting you into bed is an enjoyable side benefit" and "i do enjoy the heady blend of power and sex that permeates these events" and of course the first haven flirt that always make players go "HUH!? SOLAS FUCKS!??!!?" but this one is just so inappropriate in the context of this confrontation that it speaks to how FUCKED his mindset is in this moment. WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT SEX RIGHT NOW??????????? its so interesting its SO INTERESTING. and the brilliance of the ambiguity of the line makes me go crazy. solas is unambiguously talking about sex. "i would not lie with you" is basically synonymous with "i would not have sex with you". which is especially bizarre because "may the dread wolf take you" isn't necessarily a sexual curse. it seems to be fairly equivalent to english's "fuck you". while "fuck" is a synonym for sex just like "take" is, its not only a synonym for sex. you can say "fuck you" to people and its not sexual, its just a rude curse. the dread wolf curse is used similarly, by mihris, by merrill, by other dalish throughout the series. it's never been explicitly sexual. but when he hears "and so he did" from lavellan's mouth he immediately takes it as sexual? WHAT? and its not necessarily a confirmation that they did have sex.

i know people get confused about this line but it does work with any player headcanon about the nature of the relationship. it can be interpreted as two ways. "i would not lie with you under false pretenses" can mean either "i did not lie with you because the pretenses under which it happened would have been false" or, "i did lie with you, but the pretenses under which i did so were not false, because i love you". it's less about the "did not lie with you" part and more about the "pretenses" part that allows for the ambiguity. are the pretenses he's referring to the lie about his identity? "i refused to lie with you without you knowing the truth about who i am"? or are the pretenses about whether or not he loved her, that "what they had was real" and that they lay together because he loved her, not because he was acting as the dread wolf to trick and manipulate her. lavellan could have meant "and so he did" both ways too. it could have been a "and so he did take me (sexually)" or "and so he did (trick me, betray me, lie to me, catch my scent like the curse implies), but honestly the sexual one doesn't make a lot of sense? the fen'harel myths are not explicitly sexual so there is no reason for her to interpret the curse she would have used and heard all her life in such a way. its really more him taking it in a way it is not intended, and thus revealing a sort of insecurity or at least a sticking point in his mind regarding their relationship, which is fascinating.

whether or not they were intimate is entirely up to the player because of the brilliance of the line, but what's canon in this conversation is his own anxiety about the ethics of sexual consent in their relationship coming to a head in this climactic moment of catharsis. he is so defensive. "I DID NOT." its the culmination and final acknowledgement of the push and pull, indulgence vs. restraint present in every scene of them together. he dives in, he pulls back. he can't help himself, but he can't give in. it would be kinder in the long run, but losing you would-. he's telling her how aware he was of the wrongness of what he did to her while simultaneously trying to defend himself. it shows how much this issue was truly on his mind the entire time, how much the guilt weighed on him to have him acting like this. id also probably argue this could factor into his spirit vs. physical struggles. he is bad at controlling himself physically in this context, even if he knows its wrong. he is off-kilter in this one area of physical intimacy, he is not as in control and composed as he should be. he knows it. he hates himself for it, so much so that he connects this situation to the curse that has been uttered about him for thousands of years with a sad, brittle little laugh. anyway if we get more lines like this in veilguard im so cooked

When Solas says

"I was trying to determine some way to show you what you mean to me."

and

"For now, the best gift I can offer is the truth."

it makes me cry SO MUCH because that "for now" really implies he was planning ahead, that he was hoping Lavellan would accept his full identity, and they would stay together.

That "for now" means he already had more gifts in mind, more ways to show her what she meant to him. In that moment, in that glade, under those circumstances, he could only give her the truth she deserved - so words, knowledge, love and respect in the form of a spoken revelation -, but what about later? What was his next gift to her going to be? Something tangible, like a love memento, something precious to wear and show everyone? More knowledge and wisdom to share with her? Memories and scenes from his old life?

Weekes said Solas was ready to tell her the truth, forget about his duty, and lose himself in Lavellan, but chickened out at the last second. So I'm really curious to know what kind of future he envisioned in those blissful last moments before he lost his courage - what other presents and displays of love he was ready to give to her.

not usually a solavellan person but imagining the companion dynamics changing post-breakup and especially if lavellan decided to let solas take their vallaslin?? many thoughts. because without the context of solas being the dread wolf and then his refusal to give lavellan any solid reason why he's breaking up with them, the entire scene just feels like he takes lavellan out presumably for some sort of date night or hookup, tells them a key part of their culture is actually not what they thought at all and are actually slave markings, and then immediately breaks up with them without explanation no matter what they choose. how. how does that not rewrite at least a little of what the other companions and advisors think of solas.

It always seemed to me that the first night after the finale of "Trespasser" Lavellan and Solas would cry. Everyone has their own reasons, but... it's sad 😭

I need a solavellan reunion, yes, but I also need solavellan meeting each other for the first time again.

It’s been an entire decade.

Give me solavellan not meeting each other as elvhen apostate and dalish hostage but as the Dread Wolf and the Inquisitor.

Give me solavellan meeting each other again on the other sides of their own apotheosis, free of pretense and masks.

Give me, “Is he still the man who hates tea, the curious man who wonders at the mundane beauties of life, the gentle man who supported a grieving spirit, the silly man who set his own coattails on fire, the loving man who called me his heart?”

Give me, “Is she still woman who surprised me at every turn, the strong woman who faced a would-be god so that others would be spared, the cunning woman who made an entire empire dance to her tune, the compassionate woman who would go out of her way to help the hurting, the open-minded woman who hadn’t scorned an outside view, the loving woman who vowed time and time again to protect me, the woman who changed everything?”

Give me solavellan meeting each other the first time again after 10 years and realize that, yes, you are still my vhenan.

I have things to do and I draw kisses instead