Demisexual “So you mean a normal person?” Don’t hate on things you don’t understand.

Person: What’s demisexuality?

Demisexual: It means you don’t get attracted to people unless there’s an emotional bond.

Person: Oh, so like, a normal person?

Demisexual: Actually, no, although I can see how you’d think that. Most people don’t have sex with people unless they have an emotional bond with them but that’s not really to do with sexuality, that’s just staying safe and having common sense.

’Normal’ people, although not intending to sleep with someone right away, still know, usually, whether they would be interested in doing that within a short amount of time, sometimes immediately. People come up to me and say “You’re attractive, can I have your number?” after just seeing me from across a bar. They’ve never spoken to me, don’t know who I am but still found me attractive and are thus interested in getting to know me more to see if they’d like to start a relationship.

Demisexuals don’t experience that. We don’t see underwear adverts and find the actors desirable. We don’t look at someone from across a room and think “they’re hot, I wonder if they’re single”. ‘Sex sells’ goes over our heads. Dating apps where you swipe pictures across the screen are useless. We literally don’t get attracted to people that quickly.

Person: Oh, I see. So it’s not just being picky or abstaining from sex, it’s literal lack of attraction?

Demisexual: Yes, you’ve got it.

Person: That must make dating difficult.

Demisexual: It does. Many of us are interested in dating but are limited to people we know emotionally. If someone asks for my number I then have to say to them ‘can we be friends for roughly two to three years, by then I should know whether I find you physically attractive and if I do we can start dating’. It’s sad because I don’t want to get people’s hopes up or seem like I’m leading them on. But I literally do have to know them for a while before I can get attracted to them if I do at all. It also meant growing up was a strange experience because everyone would be pointing out attractive people on TV, in magazines and when walking down the street and I just didn’t understand.

Person: Well thank you for taking the time to explain that to me. I understand now that there is a difference between abstaining from sex and actually lacking attraction.

Demisexual: No problem. It’s nice to be accepted and understood.

Demisexuals, you are real and valid. Just because people don’t understand what you go through that doesn’t mean what you go through is fake. Pride is about respecting and celebrating all sexualities and their nuances. 

You should also note that demisexuality is common among those on the autism spectrum. To deny demisexuality is not only illogical but it’s also ableism. You’re erasing people’s symptoms because its convenient for you and because you don’t understand them. 

Demisexuals just want to chill and exist. They don’t want fame and to be mollycoddled. They just want awareness and acceptance. 

Let’s not hate on people just because we don’t understand. 

Not demisexual, but I see these same issues in people’s understanding of asexuality. Demi folks, I feel your frustration!

GOOD post OP. I’ve been wondering “is this me” for some time and you’ve hit several nails on the head, from the confusion/vague distress at being hit on by apparently-sincere complete strangers to the way people become attractive over months and years once you get to know them.

On Celebration and Repression:

While homosexuality is not universally celebrated, accepted, or even remotely tolerated (in some places), there is a sharp contrast between sexualities that are deeemed worthy of celebration, and those that are constant repressed - in a word, those that are celebrated are the hypervisible, and those that are repressed are the invisible.

Above are two sets of pictures in conversation with each other: various gay pride celebrations, and the top Google search results for “ace/demi/pansexuality is…” Whereas gayness is a thing of a celebration, a thing of pride, other queer sexualities do not receive the same treatment. The narrative of ‘queerness as a sin’ is common among all non-heterosexual sexualities, but for asexuality, demisexuality, and pansexuality, another narrative has also become incredibly apparent: is my sexuality even real? 

This question is the result not only of lack of information due to erasure and invisibility, but also the result of repression and oppression. Gay pride is a time to celebrate homosexuality, and gay men in particular; meanwhile, non-gay and non-lesbian queer people often find themselves questioning everything about their sexual identity because they do not fit under the label of homosexual. Both inside and outside of the LGBTQ+ community, pansexuality, asexuality, and demisexuality are pushed aside to make room for gay men and lesbian women to celebrate their sexualities instead. 

In no way is this meant to say that pride shouldn’t happen, nor that gay men and lesbian women shouldn’t celebrate and be proud of who they are. Rather, it is quite simply this: queer sexuality can be very hard to come to terms with in a heteronormative society, and we should be giving bi/ace/pan/demisexual people the same amount of love and attention and understanding and celebration that we give to gay and lesbian people. When a queer person’s sexuality doesn’t line up with hypervisibile queer sexualities like lesbian or gay, even finding reassurance that their sexuality is real can be a difficult thing to come by - it’s imperative that those with non-gay and non-lesbian queer sexualities are given the opportunity to celebrate their sexuality, just as gay men and lesbian women are given the chance to celebrate theirs. 

i made this blog (@queerlyvisible) for a class assignment about a year ago, and my marginally queerphobic prof didn’t like it so go and check it out!! i’m pretty proud of all of the research i put into this!