Ovi‘s Dick Piercing

,,,, ok now look just remember you said INSANE

the crack is god tier tbh, paralleled only by genopotash

LOOK i’m nothing if not a parody of myself when it comes to being a meticulous motherfucker, which is not a personality trait i can ever turn off but especially not for crackfic— and definitely not when it actually makes the premise even funnier.

like imagine wayne being like so exasperated with himself that he fucked paul “ahegao girl for famous hockey players” bissonnette AGAIN and not even being able to talk to his wife about it. like, if he were the type of man who could talk about the open part of his marriage, then his wife could talk some sense into him and maybe he’d stop sticking his dick into a man who prefers to go by biz (“it’s short for biznasty, haha, you can call me that too if you like” is what he’d said when wayne shook his hand for the first time and politely called him paul). but no, back in ‘89 janet had kissed him on the cheek and said, in her lovely missouri drawl: “honey, a good marriage lives off of not getting answers to questions i didn’t ask and not asking questions i don’t want no answers to. i love you, i trust you, and if you make a fool of me i’ll take the kids.”

thirty years later the kids are all out of the house and wayne has very rarely if ever done this type of thing; that’s just how solid and fulfilling their marriage is. the only person he’s making a fool of is himself in his own mind. but now he’s stuck his dick into a man almost half his age who voluntarily goes by biznasty over the age of thirty and yet insists every single time he vulgarly and explicitly offers his ass up to wayne that he’s not gay— multiple times. if he could talk to janet about this, there might be a hope of stopping this ill-advised bad habit. alas, he’s a happily married man in his early sixties unable to keep his dick out of a man he probably loathes.

if this is a mid-life crisis, wayne finds himself thinking, it’s damn late.

not as much as biz is (tears of joy) from getting to have wayne’s dick in his ass

he may or may not get “NO REGRETZKYS” tattooed as tramp stamp afterwards. when someone asks he says it’s the best way to sum up wayne’s “you miss 100% of the shots you don’t take” quote

wayne’s the number one leader in:

- points

- assists

- regretzkys about fucking biznasty

- goals

i need biz to be the most toxic man about having gay sex (while having gay sex) so bad. he would absolutely nut just from the CONCEPT of gretz putting the tip in

([podcast biz voice]: so you’re saying— wait. you’re saying ya wouldn’t let gretz put the tip in? if he asks— no i’m just sayin’— if he asks, you’re tellin’ him no? that’s WAYNE right there ya know! he’s the man! [whit, offscreen: yeah, i’m saying no, i don’t want a dick in my ass dude.] look i don’t give a shit if you’ve only slammed the hottest pussy in your life, you’re gonna let that man in when he comes knockin’, y’know. ain’t no one sayin’ no to that. [whit: i don’t know bout that biz] ‘ey besides. how many people can say they’ve had wayne gretzky’s dick in their ass, huh? who knows if he even does that with his wife. you don’t know. you might be the only person who’s ever had wayne gretzky’s dick in their ass)

anyway wayne has number one leading regretzkys about the whole hookup, especially because afterward biz somehow becomes MORE adoring and clingy and annoying in public, not less. which is :/. awkward for wayne. as the orgasm was about mid-tier and the rest of the experience was abysmal. it’s the only time in his life he’s ever had to pull out all the stops to make himself come faster so the whole experience could be over bc biz is terrible to have sex with if you’re a guy. outrageous internalised homophobia. (he’s also terrible to have sex with if you’re a woman but for entirely different reasons.) wayne had to fantasize about the green line for a hot minute there

also— someone tagged that post as gretznasty and like. truly ship name of all time, that’s exactly how biz sees it

(biz: i’m about to get gretznasty heeeey haha [smacks the back of his hand against wayne’s chest in a bro way while they’re walking up to the room]

wayne: :/ (is this is a mistake? hmm i’ll give it a shot)

wayne 15 mins later dick-deep in biz’s ass: (this was a mistake.))