Pete's Conditions For Pooping at Work

By CNTributor Peter Harmon

1. There must be ample toilet paper available, like enough to wrap all of the Fast and Furious franchise cast members like mummies.

2. There must be only one toilet in the bathroom.  I ain't pooping next to anyone, ever, unless I'm in a foxhole and even then I will wait patiently while my fellow soldier does his business.

3. Preferably I will be the first dumper of the day, if not I will not even enter the bathroom within an hour of the last dumper.

     3a. I may never know the identity of said last dumper.  I don't want to associate you with your ass smell for the rest of our relationship.

4. No one may see me leave the stall, I must remain thought of as an entity that does not make waste, like cartoon characters and girls.

5. If I enter the bathroom and see that the stall door is locked I must return to my desk and write a list of conditions for pooping at work before checking back to see if the dumper has left.  Then I will wait an hour and poop.