Abusive parents will often attempt (and succeed) to hold their adult children hostage. This is done by a line of sabotage, destruction of confidence, destroying chances for independence, demanding adults to live in the environment of child-like surveillance, isolation from support, catastrophizing, denying access to survival skills, money, healthcare, and generally keeping the person so badly traumatized they will be physically and psychologically unable to support themselves. This is even done to disabled and mentally ill individuals.
These are the signs it’s happening to you:
- I’m told I’m incompetent, ill, useless, nobody will want to hire me or help me survive
- I’m told to be grateful I’m allowed to eat and sleep
- I’m blamed for my mental illness/sickness and berated for it
- I’m being monitored and all privacy is denied to me; I have to keep a report of my activities, or I am gps tracked by parents
- I’m disabled but heavily discouraged or denied to ask for gvt assistance to gain independence
- Any independent action from my side that could lead to me gaining support, stability, new skills or connections, is being used to ridicule and humiliate me, so I feel stupid for even trying
- I’m not allowed proper clothing for public appearances
- My appearance/habits are being criticized to the point I always feel anxiety over what other people must think of me
- They’re refusing me transport to wherever I need to be in order to find work/educate, or use it as blackmail if they do end up letting me go
- I’m denied or heavily discouraged from getting medical assistance or tools that would help me function, or I was so neglected I learned to ignore all my medical needs until it’s life or death
- I’m not allowed to make food when I want to, and they refuse to teach me how to cook
- There’s always reasons why I’m not allowed to learn to drive or have a vehicle at my disposal
- I’m not allowed to own any big amount of money or carry money with me
- Some of my property/papers are locked and I can’t get to them
- I get berated for putting a toe out of line and am expected to exist for my family’s convenience only; I’m accused of being selfish if I do anything for myself
- My siblings or pets are being held hostage if I leave, I feel responsible for them
- I’m being told terrifying scenarios that would happen to me if I left
- I’m not allowed to have a job, or I’m heavily discouraged from working for anyone but parents
- I was stopped by parents from finishing my education
- Whenever I’m on the brink of gaining a skill or a job, or support, inevitably some drama happens to prevent it
- My accomplishments are treated as trash and not considered accomplishments. I am not celebrated or encouraged to grow beyond what is convenient to keep me home
If you’re going thru any of these, know that it is not your fault you’re still being held at home; it was made impossible for you to live your life freely. This is not your failure, not a proof of your incompetence or stupidity, or your lack of ability to survive, you are being held hostage, and to do this to you is in fact, inhumane.
There is a person hidden inside you perfectly capable of independence, who could thrive and live a happy, free life without these people standing in your way. If you were in any way incapable, they wouldn’t have to do any of the above to keep you hostage, they wouldn’t have to sabotage anything. The reason they do all this is they know you’d be able to escape otherwise, and they fear it. Stay strong and bide your time, gather support and don’t lose faith.
You were failed by your family, and your society, you were not nurtured or raised for freedom and happiness, but for servitude and hostility; it is not right. You are a valuable and important part of society, whether you’re allowed to feel that way or not. Your worth will never be less than any other human on this planet.
