I'm going Sleepcycling

An important message for the people of Dearth.

Please watch this 3 second clip from an actual George Washington documentary.

first I pet my werewolf

then I kiss my werewolf

AND THEN YOU TUCK ‘EM INTO BED TO SLEEP AND GO AWAY ‘CAUSE YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS ENTIRELY PLATONIC YES THERE IS NOTHING SINNY GOING ON HERE GOODBYE

and then I fuck the werewolf

in which sportacus meets an owl

can elves, like, talk to animals? or is he just weird

Some people are talking to animals. It’s like not that weird. Hehe. Right?

oh 

anyway

This tea is awful. It’s fucking disgusting. Don’t believe that lazy shit idyllic pastoral landscape on the goddamn cardboard box. It’s a damn lie and if you drink this tea you’ll know the heart of minty darkness

Like OK I appreciate that it tries to prepare you for whats inside by a cute picture on the box. Fresh green mint leaves, and some candy cane sticks to get you in that shitty assfaced Christmas mood. Look it’s even tied with a repugnant little red bow. fuck this tea.

So if you open the box and immediately steep a cup prepare to get one of those cute lil candy canes up your FUCKING NOSE and in your FUCKING EYES because this shit doesn’t know personal space in the same way a demon from hell doesn’t know a loving God.

I hope you like drinking your throat lozenges because here’s a blistering stream an actual menthol golem would piss down your fucking throat while you gag on its candy-striped wiener. 

So you lock this shit in a box for 3 months while you recover from the worst toothpaste-flavored blowjob of your life and maybe get yourself together again. You recover. You move on. Things are looking pretty up and you think back, well maybe that godforsaken tea didn’t really taste like a peppermint Siberia. So you make a cup like the foolish piece of shit you are

and you’re right, but so wrong about the character and nature of your mistake you might as well star in Greek tragedy. You pathetic bag of bollocks.

because in the months its been locked in a top-shelf tomb the life and vehement mint-based hatred for the physical world has withered and desiccated out of its soulless teabag husks.

Now what you have got in your fucking unfortunate mug is a hot steaming cup of fuck you that tastes like the inside of the birch tree on the fucking box, or maybe Santa’s tears mixed with mummy dust, or midwinter leaf litter a vaguely minty dog only rolled in once.

The aftertaste stinks of wax. Why wax? Because it wants to remind you that you’re the kid who ate birthday candles in first grade, that’s why. And every single other bad decision you now regret.

fuck this tea. fuck it, it tastes like a hollow  mannequin of a tea, hot leaf swill unfit to fertilize even fake fucking flowers.Maybe you could tan leather in it. I don’t fucking know but get it away from me and the human race. Fucking shoot it at the moon where it belongs with all of the other celestial fucking seasonings. fuck

me, at a fine dining restaurant: give my compliments to the chef

waiter: what would you like me to say

me: good shit OP

Christians call The Bible “the greatest story ever told” almost as if they’ve never heard John Mulaney’s Salt and Pepper Diner

Percy, calm the fuck down  (x)

mary shelley: hey, you wanna go grab a burger king? me, percy shelley: Good morning, are you perchance tempted to acquire a Meaty Sandwich Royal?

The original “me, an intellectual” meme

this is either the best dub ever or the most atrocious thing of mankind

“Step in to my office. Please, take a seat”

“oh, that? It is a hand-painted erotic statuette imported from the far east. Now, about the upcoming merger…”

im sorry wx fans

someone stop me

last one i swear