Ok, no more reblogging

Ok so to preface this, the only reason I know this off the bat is because I worked at a PC repair shop in high school.

These are the “meet'n'fuck” porn flash games which were for a while very widely re-uploaded on other websites and the mere sight of that art style provokes a fight or flight instinct in me. Odds are if you played this game on a 3rd party sight somewhere it would try to download a virus of some sort to your computer. These things totalled more windows XP Machines than nation-state hackers did to government computers back when (and currently) they use(d) them.

It wouldn’t always be a malicious virus either. Most of the time it just fucked with your mouse or your resolution periodically or something. But no matter what kind of fucking virus it was, it always made itself as difficult as possible to remove. I saw mouse lockers with code twice as complicated performing stack injections so that it could cut/paste itself somewhere else wherever it’s current file location was accessed by any other programs.

I hate these games with a passion. They’re the horniest Trojan horse I’ve ever seen. Bad dragon should name a horse dildo after them. These games meant nothing but agony hunting down some stupid program with some fucking asinine trick up it’s sleeve so I could get this horny teenagers mouse to stop changing skins or reversing inputs on movement.

THE ETERNAL MOOD

Confirmed

this is now gospel and canon

i put this picture of me joyously holding giant zucchinis on my tinder just cause i thought it was cute and ever since every first message i get, without fail, is “those are some big cucumbers hehe ;)” which has led me to come to two scientifically proven conclusions. the first being that men are aroused by anything remotely phallic. and the second, men have a generally unclear understanding of vegetables. together hopefully we can work to raise zucchini awareness among men ages 20-27

Quick! Youre on chopped, the basket ingredients are

Proscuitto, pirate berry cereal, smoked white cheddar, and nyquil. What do you make?

people seem to all be responding to this post with the same train of thought: prosciutto and cheese sticks, fried in cereal breading, nyquil sauce on the side. but do you know what counts against you in chopped? lack of creativity. congratulations, every single one of you with the same hivemind answer just got voted out. not to mention the concept of a nyquil sauce on cheese sticks (smoked cheese especially) is fucking appalling. and if you can’t taste the nyquil, that’s also grounds to get voted out.

take it from a fucking crocker, there isn’t anything that can’t be made into a good meal. especially this? at it’s base, all of these are strong, hearty flavors. not necessarily ones i’d opt to pair and i try not to make a habit out of cooking with menthol, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be made to work. 

i’m gonna hit this with a double feature, because i want this meal to happen. trying to force all possible basket ingredients into the smallest conceivable physical space, as is the case with the cheese stick ideal, may get the job done but like i said, it’s gonna taste like shit. breaking it into separate parts will cut you a little closer on time, but the dish itself will be better and your presentation will take a heavy bonus.

so here’s what you do.

take a two tablespoons of nyquil and put it in a small saucepan with two parts water to one part nyquil and pinch of salt. tiny, my man. a quarter teaspoon, maybe. let it steep over a low broil for 5 or so minutes* or until the water starts to take on a greenish tint. don’t stir it. separate the thicker part of the syrup from the ugly menthol-tinted water like you’d take out an egg white. dump the syrupy bit, but keep what is now a nyquil extract in the saucepan. 

take that off the burner and let it cool to room temperature and put it into a small bowl; mix it in with a dash of real mint, three teaspoons of lemon juice, a tablespoon of white wine vinegar, two teaspoons of honey, another teaspoon of salt and a half cup of olive oil. this little vinaigrette will serve the purpose of a standard mint, save for that glaringly artificial taste that there’s no fucking way you’re going to be able to avoid cooking with nyquil anyways. it’s the difference between real oranges and orange gummies, but since the hors d’ouvre we’re making is primarily sweet anyways, it won’t hurt anyone to slide into the candy-like flavor realm.

*while your extract is steeping, make the most of your wait time and peel and cut a few slim wedges of ripe sweet melon. personally, i prefer charentais, but the best the chopped pantry will probably have is gonna be canteloupe. (honeydew works too, but it harshes the color scheme.) half your wedges once you get them out into a nice finger-food size. you should still have time to strip your prosciutto into inch/inch and a half wide strips, but if you don’t, you can take that on while the saucepan is cooling.

once your vinaigrette is done and mixed, toss your melon wedges in it until they’ve got a nice, sweet sheen over ‘em, and then wrap the seasoned wedges in the prosciutto. this is an italian classic, and it’s super easy. like i said before, the artificial taste of the nyquil will give this a slight twinge of tasting more like a snack, but overall, it’s still a great appetizer. if you do it right, this is high marks city. 

“oh, fucker, but you didn’t even touch the berry cereal or the cheese!”

you are absolutely fucking right. because you know how bad it would’ve tasted if i did? i’m giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you don’t. so here’s the long-awaited fabled part two.

from the pantry, you’re gonna need some good apples. they don’t specify which wood the cheese was smoked with, but i’m going to assume it was hickory as that tends to be the favorite for cheddar flavors? so you can compliment the hickory smoke with a tart apple that’s got a sweetness to it - honeycrisp or braeburn are gonna be on the money.

put a whole apple (not peeled or cored, but make sure to take the stem off), a cup of apple cider vinegar, a cup of water, a cup of sugar, a tablespoon of salt, two teaspoons of cinnamon, and a tablespoon of lemon juice into the food processor and light that shit up. put your mushy applesauce-style mix into a large, wide pan into it until it caramelizes and evens out. it’s butter now.

now take two cups of berry cereal and take the actual berries out. with a mortar and pestle, grind up those weird yellow square bits into cereal dust. cut 6-8 slices from a thin loaf of french bread, brush the crusts in olive oil, and roll vertically in the cereal dust. once the outside of the bread has a second crust of cereal around the outside, arrange all of the pieces on a non-stick cooking pan. (you won’t use all of them in your plating, but it never hurts to have a little extra in case they burn on the edges or something gets fucky.) 

take the apple butter you made and spread it thinly but evenly over the bread slices. cover them with a layer of folded prosciutto, a layer of thin apple slices, and a layer of sliced smoked cheese. bake for 15-20 minutes, or until the bread (and cereal) is golden brown. 

plate on a flat square dish with one baked cheddar and apple butter tea sandwich fixed to one corner, your prosciutto-wrapped melon wedge in the opposite corner with the core-curve facing the center of the plate. accent the sandwich side with two apple slices forming an angle, and divide the plate with a colorful drizzle of the nyquil vinaigrette and a mint leaf.

last, but most certainly not least. while you’re on chopped, in that cute little cutscene after your plates have been served and you’re monologuing your final thoughts before the judges try your food,

look directly into the camera and invite tumblr user @tedallen to suck your dick.

Jesus christ, you win all of chopped. Are you happy? Are you happy the network canceled chopped because of you? Unbelievable. Well, take your pants off, let’s go.

I didn’t even finish the sentence and I was on board

do u ever wish you could be like. a greco-roman lady in a 19th century painting. just lounging all day, looking bored. probably got ur tiddies out. thats the life

every neoclassical/early romantic piece of art is the dream honestly like

hang out in this rose garden with your girlfriend while she dumps flower petals on you. nice

alternatively hang out with your whole squad of nymph gfs in some water. just you and your gal pals, and this guy i guess. letting your tiddies hang out and all that

take a nap on these pillows surrounded by beautiful ancient frescoes, what’s not to love

tiddies out, nap game on, divine boyfriend, not a care in the world. these ladies have it so good

Dressed in gorgeous flowing clothes, hair game on point, sitting on warm marble by the seaside, responding ambiguously to yet another handsome suitor’s advances

h*ck yes

the worst internet phenomena is like mlp porn rp or diaper fetish blogs or fucking whatever trying to contribute to serious discussions and expecting to be taken seriously

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WELCOME TO THE DISCOURSE DOME!!! TONIGHT’S TUMBLR RUMBLER US SURE TO BE MEMORABLE

IN THIS CORNER, WE HAVE SNAKEGAY WHOSE OPENING MOVE IS TO THROW A “SHOTS-FIRED” GENERALIZATION OF DOOM! WHAT A STRONG OPENER!! WILL OUR CHALLENGER SUCCEED IN DEFLECTING IT?

Why, yes. Yes, I am a character designer that works in the game industry. How could you tell???

“SEXUAL DIMORPHISM? WHAT’S THAT?” 

O M F G

by thumbcramps

*already crying*

Aauuugghhh my hand D: Uhm- redraw from an Eschergirl’s post. Played up on the Demon(?) lady’s bark/stone/scale-like growths into a sort of natural armor, thus meaning she’d need less manufactured cover. I was far too lazy to draw a proper chain. The second girl; I had no idea she was a cat girl until I zoomed waaaaay in. Her ears are painted super dark and the tail a sort of passing thought to the original artist. Played up on cat light features and reflexes, turning what ever it is that the original is carrying into a spear while giving her leather armor of a reasonable style. Dynamic poses, opposition hinted at due to the colour scheme (dark/light, red/blue, hot/cold etc.), and facial expressions implying more than feigned interest and passing curiosity. My hands hurt, dear gods. ow ow. ow.

Another redraw of the Alvegia Online “butt high five” picture. :)  I think a lot of promotional material would be more interesting and probably more effective if the female characters were put in contexts that weren’t just primarily about posing them sexily.

Edit: skeletyson in the notes has an excellent name for the original poses that is just awesome:

Yes, yes we can.

Pharah please your wife is dying ———————————————————————————— Patreon ¦ Commissions ¦ Donate ¦ Shop¦ Twitter ¦ Facebook

This is my Overwatch OC they are called Venus De Milo With Robot Arms and they also have a gun. They were created by a scientist with an aesthetic. 

If Aphrodite had stomach rolls then so can I

This is veryveryvery important. My wife was feeling down about herself the other night and asked me “why do I look like this?” And I immediately brought up a photo I had taken of a sculpture of Aphrodite I had taken at the Chicago MOMA. I said, “look at this picture. What does she look like?” And my wife very shyly answered “Me…” (Literally her body is IDENTICAL to the sculpture) so I replied “that is the Goddess Aphrodite. THAT is why your body looks like this.”

I very rarely reblog miscellaneous posts but there are some followers of mine who really need to see this.

Oh shit I’m crying thank you

Remember, a lot more of you have the bodies of goddesses than you might think.