Agent of Chaos

'all age gaps problematic' people are so wild. "what can a 19 year old and a 28 year even have in common??? what do they talk about??" BITCH THEIR HOBBIES???????

Do You Not Have Hobbies Or Interests

being age appropriate??? to a NINETEEN YEAR OLD?????????

like yeah i do personally think it's weird to date a 19yr old as a 28yr old but let's not act like that 9 year age difference makes them different species that can't even interact even as friends. like can we be normal. i promise you can talk to younger people.

Uh oh. I think I just fucked up my friendship with the girlfriend of my ex-partner-now-friend who is dating my current partner also, because she (the girlfriend) is having trouble accepting polyamory and my current partner dating her partner, and I just talked to her about it pretty awkwardly I gotta admit, and she is not responding to my last text.

That was fucking incomprehensible, wasn't it.

Whatever. Point is, I feel bad because I was socially inept and a little rude and now I have to face the consequences of my actions.

NEVERMIND SHE REPLIED WE'RE GOOD :D

Idk if she'll be able to get over the poly thing, but that's not my thing to solve, and at least there's no bad blood. Phew!

being on the aro spectrum would be a lot easier if being single wasn't made to feel like a literal death sentence

it's all very well to say "friends are just as important as romantic partners" but in practice this simply is not the case lmao. you can share a flat with a friend but it's expected that sooner or later that friend will meet someone and will move out to go live with that person instead. if you're hanging out with friends you can bring your partner along but your friends can't come on a date night with you because that's third-wheeling and it's weird. you can know somebody for most of your life and still be second-best to some guy they met on tinder 6 months ago. you're meant to just accept without question the fact that your friends will prioritise time with their partners over time with you. being single is treated like a problem that needs to be fixed. we casually use expressions like "just friends" or "more than friends". everything we read and watch reinforces the idea that romantic love is what gives life meaning and therefore your life is meaningless without it. i try to keep my chin up but my god it is bleak out there

It’s weird to me when people try to put really hard boundaries on what cheating is in any relationship when the real question isn’t “do most people agree this is cheating?” but “does this hurt my current partner or make them uncomfortable?”

Like, the fact of the matter is, you’re going to date people who have different boundaries and the goal should be to communicate with them rather than try and logic your way into doing what you want.

Like porn. I personally don’t believe looking at porn is cheating, but if I was in a relationship with someone who said “it would be hurtful to me if I found you consuming porn rather than spending time with me,” it’s useless to whip out “um but actually it’s not cheating.” It is hurtful to them, and you’re choosing to hurt them. If you’re not willing to communicate and compromise, you should seek different partners.

“But what if their requests are unreasonable?” Then you should break up with them for your sake too! If they’re saying outrageous stuff like “talking to other boys is cheating on me” “not letting me go through your phone means you’re cheating” then you should break up because they’re being a over-controlling partner!

Good addition!

really need everyone to hold out for a partner you don’t need to handhold through the bare minimum of what’s required for your care and handling

see also:

Remember that the right person will never get tired of you even in the worst times

No, they will! But they'll work through it, or walk away for a bit (i'm talking minutes to hours) and then come back.

People can love you and still need to get away from you for a bit. And there is nothing toxic about that — it's good, in fact. It helps remind everyone involved that everyone has boundaries, and everyone needs time to themselves.

It's okay. Calm down before you talk about something that made you angry while your loved one is sick. Be sure of what made you mad so you can discuss it together.

Love isn't a one-way street, and it's something that takes work. Part of that work is knowing when you need to step away.

so judging by how astonished people are by it every time we explain it to anybody, it seems like my wife and I might really be onto something here

during the pandemic, we invented something we call "astronaut time."

when it's astronaut time, it's like we are two astronauts wearing the big helmets, moving around the station on totally separate tasks. one of us is outside the space station and one of us is inside the space station. our radios do not work and we have no way of communicating with each other. we might see each other through the lil porthole windows, but we ignore each other because we both have different things to do.

"astronaut time" is how we get total privacy when we live in the same apartment. I will pretend you don't exist. You will pretend I don't exist. we have a nonverbal, zero-contact signal for when astronaut time is over (usually "I'll draw a smiley-face on the whiteboard in the kitchen when I'm done"). No talking, stay out of each other's line of sight, we are actively avoiding each other, unless you are currently experiencing a medical emergency goodbye.

it has been. a godsend. imagine living with your partner and being able to close every single tab in your brain related to social interaction. no fear of being interrupted by a "hey, quick question--" or "sorry to bother you, but do you know where the scissors are?" or "did you want something to eat, too?" Once or twice a month, we look at each other lovingly, hold hands, and say "baby I think I need some astronaut time tonight," and the other person goes "okay cool. bye! have a nice night!" and nobody's feelings are hurt and we both go and have a lovely evening completely by ourselves.

like idk it's a small thing but it's made our lives so much nicer, so if you and your partner/roommate are both people who sometimes need total privacy in order to recharge, maybe try it

worst relationship status to have w someone is “objectively they’re a fine person who is nice but i don’t enjoy their company as much as they enjoy mine”

second worst relationship status to have with someone is “objectively they’re a fine person but they Bother You”

secret third technically more harmless but in practicality more frustrating relationship status is “objectively they’re a fine person and they like so many of the same things i do but they like them in a fundamentally different way that is harmless but reads wrong to my brain and it has made attempts at forming an actual bond with them aggravating more than anything”

tbh i think stuff like this is why so many people, especially younger people, fall into this trap of “well if i don’t like a person or thing, they must be bad”. it would be so much easier if you could dismiss them as bad and move on. but it’s like, no, Objectively Fine people or things can just not mesh well with you for totally subjective reasons. and sometimes when they’re people you mesh much better with their brain than they do with yours. and sometimes you have to live with that.

Please don't ask me for relationship advice unless you are prepared to receive some truly upsetting information because some people are ready for the "He's exhibiting the literal textbook signs of a psychological abuser and you need to get away from him before he successfully cuts you off from your support network" talk and some people aren't

FOR WHOEVER NEEDS A REMINDER:

This applies to ALL relationships btw

Hey, today I learned that my catalogued lack of dating experience is cited in an academic paper

Jokes aside, this quote is how the researchers kick off an exploration of the under-researched concept of “friends to partners” with a call to social researchers to reframe their (apparently exclusive) focus on “dating” as the sole initiating event of romantic relationships. It’s actually a very interesting paper; apparently social scientists and pop culture focus their attention on the process of “dating”, a frankly heteronormative lens that insists on very specific behaviours and scenarios, in which single people market themselves to each other at bars. Meanwhile, in the actual people surveyed in the study, it appears far more common for people to prefer “friends to lovers” as a relationship pathway.

Like holy cow did you guys KNOW that relationship science was dominated by studies on dating? A thing that in which good grades are not possible to achieve?

And it’s kind of good for ME to hear as well! As a (weird queer) person, dating always seemed so artificial and undesirable to me, but so important to everyone else, that it was clearly just One Of Those Things that is programmed into the Normal Hetero Brain that folks like me simply miss out on, forever. But possibly not! Possibly “dating” is one of those heavily marketed products that nobody particularly wants. Like the Metaverse. And nobody, until these plucky social scientists, has been brave enough to call it out!!

But yes. At the expense of elodie glass’s dating history being notably sparse (Stinson, 2021).

question: do ppl ACTUALLY say things they don’t mean when they’re angry? or is that just an excuse after letting something true slip? i wouldn’t ever say something i don’t mean in anger, so the concept confuses me.

but something was said to me that is bothering me, though apparently was said in an argument and wasn’t meant. but i don’t rlly believe it wasn’t like, deep down true thoughts/feelings??? anyone have any insight? anyone say things they don’t mean in anger?

To my understanding (also autistic lol), there’s two things people mean when they say this, whether they know it:

1. “I said something I didn’t mean to say and I’m sorry I said it.” There are lots of things people leave unsaid because they know it’s unfair, irrational, or unnecessarily hurtful. Also lots of things that are just hurtful, so it’s a mixed bag

2. “I made a dumb leap of logic because my angry brain wasn’t working like my calmed brain.” This can apply to projection (“Why are you mad at me?”), paranoia (“I just know you’re about to break up with me.”), jumping to conclusions (“Oh, you just want to run off to that friend of yours, don’t you?”), etc etc

I think people usually mean the former but the latter definitely exists. Hope this helps

I'm not autistic but I have been in plenty of very angry arguments and so I can tell you that there is a Secret Third Thing™, which is "I said something not because I actually believe it's true but because I was angry and wanted to hurt you."

You'd be surprised at how often that one happens.

Theres also "i said something that was true *in the moment*, but this does not reflect how I feel 99% of the time". Think kids screaming that they hate you before storming off.

Area Man Experiences Consequences, Whines About It

If you're in the notes thinking this is really only about little origami stars

Red flags such as:

- Dismissing his girlfriend’s hobbies and interests.

- Talking her out of buying fancy paper because HE doesn’t think it’s important. (Why does it matter if she spends her money on something she likes for her hobbies?)

- Destroying a thing his girlfriend made, repeatedly

- Disregarding when she asked him to stop, because he just couldn’t help himself.

- Ignoring that this thing he’s doing clearly upsets his girlfriend

- Lying to her repeatedly

- That whole mess of homophobic nonsense in the update, and acting like he’s the victim when he actually experiences consequences.

Classic DARVO response (Deny, Attack, Reverse the roles of Victim and Offender).

- First he says it wasn’t him, must have been her roommates destroying her things.

-It’s not a big deal, they’re just little paper stars, why are you making such a big deal about this? It doesn’t matter.

- Trying to guilt-trip her about how she could have seriously damaged his computer with that glitter!  Why is everyone being so MEAN telling him he’s the asshole? And how dare she date someone else! Can’t you see how unfair and TERRIBLE she’s being to him? And he’s ALL ALONE for Thanksgiving because she’s just being so UNREASONABLE. (Totally ignoring that these things are all consequences of his actions.)

Reminder: You can break up with someone for ANY REASON. Even if it’s “not a big deal” - if they’re not respecting you, your belongings, or your boundaries, that is TOTALLY a valid reason to break up with somebody or end a friendship.

This is about memes, I know, but it is PAINFULLY accurate to when a nuerodivergent person wants to connect to another via special interests. Like, that is how I show my affection like when a cat gives you a dead mouse. You may not care for the dead mouse, but you understand ‘hey, this is a sign of love. It is a weird ass sign of love, but a sign nonetheless.’

Saw this on r/LGBT and figured my aspec followers would enjoy.

I dislike how clumsy it is to share Twitter threads but here is a portion from a guy I follow (for his trans porn and monster fucking content at that) echoing a sentiment that aces, traumatized people, people with low libido, etc. can fully relate to. The rest is here and it’s absolutely worth the read.

“Sex isn’t special” 

Thank you! I’ve always been fascinated by how sexuality is viewed in such a dramatic, over-criticized way when it’s just another one of those things we do in life, no different from eating, sleeping or playing.

This is also why sex workers don’t appreciate being pathologized for having sex for no other reason than ‘hell yeah money’ or ‘sure, beats an office job’.