Some friendly (canon) Stan Pines reminders:

I have had to block a few people for responding to my Ursa post with all the ways Azula really isn’t at fault for her actions, and Ursa is awful. Hilariously, one of the people writing this also wrote that there was no point in writing meta asserting Azula’s culpability for her actions, because everybody thinks she is. Okay.

Anyway, other than Azula’s supposed blamelessness, there is a common theme to these reblogs, and that is the idea that Ursa and Iroh focused on Zuko, and if they had given Azula equal effort she could have been saved like her brother.

Iroh obviously did focus his efforts on Zuko. He went into exile with him after all. But the show and a little logic makes the reason for this apparent. Before Iroh even arrives home from the front, Azula makes it clear that she does not respect him, in fact she scorns him and is happy at the prospect of his death:

Azula is even crueler after Lu Ten’s death:

This is of course Ozai’s influence. Azula hasn’t seen her uncle since she was six. However, it does go to show that Azula is not receptive to any overture Iroh might make upon his return, while Zuko is. Ozai has done an excellent job of isolating Azula from his brother’s potential influence, and ensuring that she will listen to her father, and dismiss any advice or affection Iroh might give as worthless. The only way Iroh would have any real hope of building the kind of relationship with Azula he would need to be able to help her, would be to extract her from her father’s influence and power for a very long time, something he does not have the power to do. Iroh focuses on Zuko because Zuko lets him in. Zuko isn’t getting the glut of affirmation from Ozai that Azula is, so Iroh has something to offer him that he wants desperately. And then Ozai banishes Zuko, giving Iroh exactly the opportunity he would never get with Azula.

Ursa meanwhile does not in fact focus all her attention on Zuko. We actually see her trying to curtail Azula’s cruelty, and just as importantly, trying to reinforce pro-social behavior and healthy interaction with her brother:

Critically, before Azula approaches, her mother, she says to Ty Lee, “Watch this.” This shows Ursa’s attempt to encourage her daughter’s good behavior is not a one off. It’s a pattern that Azula can predict and manipulate.

However, Ursa is unable to overcome Ozai’s influence because he is always there to praise Azula and tell her how unjust her mother is every time Ursa tries to stop her cruel behavior, and because she had no access at all to Azula, or for that matter Zuko, after she turned eight.

The idea that Iroh and Ursa are responsible for Azula’s choices and emotional problems, and that they unfairly favored Zuko over her, and this is why Azula and Zuko turned out the way they did, presupposes the two of them having magical healing abilities that they used on Zuko and not on Azula, instead of acknowledging the ways in which Ozai’s power and favoritism shut off any opportunities they had to help Azula as a child.

i was re-reading “how to talk so little kids will listen” earlier today, and it reminded me of how much of our culture is so thoroughly punitive – every facet of the way we behave, and expect others to behave, is connected by the concept of punishment. there has been a rise in respectful parenting theory in the past 40-ish years that goes directly against this punitive parenting style.

i have some books that have helped me with respectful parenting here:

https://www.goodreads.com/review/list/2168390?shelf=parenting

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something i was thinking in my re-read of this book earlier today is how my first impulse while parenting tends to be a reactionary, punitive impulse. sure, you might be patient when the kid is being cute and you have lots of energy. but on an off day? you have to fight against what you’ve learned. even if the kid does something incredibly naughty.

i was reminded of a time when my kid was left alone with the cat, and she started rubbing lotion all over the cat. i think she thought she was doing something nice for her; she was only 2.5 at the time. when i saw the cat, my anxiety spiked. i spoke to her sternly and had her help me clean up the cat, but i was wracked with fear and nervousness – “oh no, what if the cat licks herself and gets sick? what if the cat dies? what if the cat dies because of what my kid did?” i started to feel like just talking to my kid about it wasn’t enough… should we say, “time out”? no dessert? no more cat? no more trips to the bakery? i promised myself i would never spank, but inside, there was a part of me that felt like spanking!! that’s what my parents did!

but after i stewed for a while, i came to my senses. my kid was just being a kid. little kids have no impulse control! but me? i’m an adult, i should have known better! it was really my fault for leaving the kid and the lotion and the cat all together, unsupervised. in a way, my strong reaction to her behavior was just myself projecting the guilt at having a bad parenting moment onto her. 

how effective is punitive speech, and punitive acts?

do you think she would have learned something if i had hit her? or locked her in her room? or took away her snacks? (these are not what those in the respectful parenting community would call natural consequences – these are just unconnected punishments, things that have nothing to do with the cat.)

no. i still would have had a lotioned cat.

what if i had lectured? yelled? gone on at length about how terribly naughty it was, and what a bad girl she was?

no. i still would have had a lotioned cat.

the actual consequence in this instance was for me. because i messed up. the natural consequence: now i have to clean up the damn cat and put the lotion where my kid can’t reach it… and supervise the kid more closely, because she’s only a toddler.

my kid felt bad as soon as she saw how bad i felt. she didn’t show it at the moment – just nervous laughter. but i could tell she felt bad, and sure enough, later that night, she cried about it, and we got to talk more about how the lotion was not good for the cat, and how i was going to put it out of her reach for now.

and that’s…. enough.

it really is.

and it’s so fucking hard to wrap your mind around it. because our entire culture revolves around law and order, crime and punishment! if people mess up, hurt them! lock them away! demolish their self-esteem!

none of that shit helps anyone. it only feels good as a short-term solution.

in the long-term? we have to start believing in the inherent preciousness of every life. it will be hard as fuck to change our collective mindset. but we have to do it. because everything is connected to it, from huge things like climate change, all the way down to a little toddler learning how to interact with a cat.

once you see it, you’ll see the punitive attitude in everything. you’ll see how little it actually fixes. and hopefully you’ll become an abolitionist too.

Katara: I've done as much as I can for the lightning wound, but it's gonna leave a scar, sorry Zuko

Zuko: eh, what's another scar from a family member amirite lmao

Sokka: ...what?

Zuko: the scar on my eye? did I never tell you guys my father did that?

[Later in Ozai's cell]

#zuko: [casually reveals major trauma caused by family members]

#the gaang: '..... life changing field trip time'

#the gaang: 'it's to ozai's cell and we're all bringing knives'

Aang: I utterly refuse to kill the Fire Lord, no matter how bad he is.

Katara: He’s the one who scarred Zuko’s face.

Aang: *Pulls out gun and cocks it* Alright lets fucking do this.