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a lover's suicide, I guess

@buzzykrueger / buzzykrueger.tumblr.com

call me bea ☆ they/them | mostly meta and rb art ☆ asks open! read: txti.es/bzzykrueger #hxhmeta tag :)
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The moment when Gon’s priorities start to change - ch. 64 and 65

While working in my meta of the separation scene (which will take some time still, sorry), I came across these chapters again: 64 and 65. Two of my favorite. As a linguistic and literature student, I’m always trying to catch hints in Togashi’s writing - we know he carefully thinks about each word used. Have a good read and keep in mind is just a thought -  and the dialogues and panels chosen to be showed in here are meaningful. This is not a deep research with theory references, but just some of the various examples of how artistic and textual strategies work in Hunter x Hunter, that they are not random and how even the slightest changing of words and switching perspectives can impact the story in order to provoke a reaction, meaning something to the audience, leading us to a way

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I'm having issues trying to tweet something, app version is unstable, web version is gone for good already :')

Anyway, welcome to all new followers! Feel free to hit my messages

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ovulucas

“Magic is the miracle that color the world” Qifrey from Witch Hat Atelier.

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I've been thinking a lot lately about how Kabru deprives himself.

Kabru as a character is intertwined with the idea that sometimes we have to sacrifice the needs of the few for the good of the many. He ultimately subverts this first by sabotaging the Canaries and then by letting Laios go, but in practice he's already been living a life of self-sacrifice.

Saving people, and learning the secrets of the dungeons to seal them, are what's important. Not his own comforts. Not his own desires. He forces them down until he doesn't know they're there, until one of them has to come spilling out during the confession in chapter 76.

Specifically, I think it's very significant, in a story about food and all that it entails, that Kabru is rarely shown eating. He's the deuteragonist of Dungeon Meshi, the cooking manga, but while meals are the anchoring points of Laios's journey, given loving focus, for Kabru, they're ... not.

I'm sure he eats during dungeon expeditions, in the routine way that adventurers must when they sit down to camp. But on the surface, you get the idea that Kabru spends most of his time doing his self-assigned dungeon-related tasks: meeting with people, studying them, putting together that evidence board, researching the dungeon, god knows what else. Feeding himself is secondary.

He's introduced during a meal, eating at a restaurant, just to set up the contrast between his party and Laios's. And it's the last normal meal we see him eating until the communal ending feast (if you consider Falin's dragon parts normal).

First, we get this:

Kabru's response here is such a non-answer, it strongly implies to me that he wasn't thinking about it until Rin brought it up. That he might not even be feeling the hunger signals that he logically knew he should.

They sit down to eat, but Kabru is never drawn reaching for food or eating it like the rest of his party. He only drinks.

A crop from a black and white panel of Dungeon Meshi chapter 32. Mickbell is in the foreground with his profile partially facing the viewer, chewing on a piece of bread with crumbs around his mouth. Kabru sits opposite him, facing the viewer, and raising a wooden cup of wine to his lips.
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It's possible this means nothing, that we can just assume he's putting food in his mouth off-panel, but again, this entire manga is about food. Cooking it, eating it, appreciating it, taking pleasure in it, grounding yourself in the necessary routine of it and affirming your right to live by consuming it. It's given such a huge focus.

We don't see him eat again until the harpy egg.

What a significant question for the protagonist to ask his foil in this story about eating! Aren't you hungry? Aren't you, Kabru?

He was revived only minutes ago after a violent encounter. And then he chokes down food that causes him further harm by triggering him, all because he's so determined to stay in Laios's good graces.

In his flashback, we see Milsiril trying to spoon-feed young Kabru cake that we know he doesn't like. He doesn't want to eat: he wants to be training.

Then with Mithrun, we see him eating the least-monstery monster food he can get his hands on, for the sake of survival- walking mushroom, barometz, an egg. The barometz is his first chance to make something like an a real meal, and he actually seems excited about it because he wants to replicate a lamb dish his mother used to make him!

...but he doesn't get to enjoy it like he wanted to.

A cropped black and white panel from chapter 62 of Dungeon Meshi, showing simplified versions of Mithrun and Kabru eating. Mithrun's speech bubble says, "It tastes like crab." Kabru responds, "It does, doesn't it."
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Then, when all the Canaries are eating field rations ... Kabru still isn't shown eating. He's only shown giving food to Mithrun.

And of course the next time he eats is the bavarois, which for his sake is at least plant based ... but he still has to use a coping mechanism to get through it.

A cropped black and white panel from chapter 73 of Dungeon Meshi, showing a close up of Kabru as he chews with a blank look on his face. His thought bubbles show that he is reciting the names of all "the world's major cities" in his head.
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I don't think Kabru does this all on purpose. I think Kui does this all on purpose. Kabru's Post Traumatic Stress Disorder should be understood as informing his character just as much as Laios's autism informs his. It's another way that Kabru and Laios act as foils: where Laios takes pleasure in meals and approaches food with the excitement of discovery, Kabru's experiences with eating are tainted by his trauma. Laios indulges; Kabru denies himself. Laios is shown enjoying food, Kabru is shown struggling with it.

And I can very easily imagine a reason why Kabru might have a subconscious aversion towards eating.

Meals are the privilege of the living.

now that youve spelled it all out, its really hitting me how much he grows during his time with mithrun--he still doesnt enjoy what hes eating, but he is doing it. he's making food for himself and is forced to caretake for someone else and in that process must be aware of his own bodys needs to guess at mithruns. mithruns condition is very much an exaggerated state of kabrus own ptsd: kabru ignores his body until he must attend to it, where mithrun cannot feel it at all.

his journey to get reacquainted with his needs is still in its infancy when the story ends, but it is a journey he starts, and starts it by having no choice but recognize he needs to survive and that takes food, no matter what kind.

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“who would win in a fight: killua or gon?????”

you fool. you buffoon. gon would blink his big brown eyes in confusion & say “but why would i fight against killua, my best friend in the world???” and killua would shove his hands in his pockets & pretend to be embarrassed but secretly be glad he didn’t have to try to come up with an excuse not to fight gon that would sound even remotely heterosexual

why do you think they’re depicted playing rock paper scissors so many times throughout the series?? bc that is the closest they will ever get to throwing hands with each other. keep up, people

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buzzykrueger

Like, they didn't say "I don't want to fight this friend I just met" during the Hunter Exam for people to think they would ever hurt each other like that. And their devotion to each other back then wasn't anywhere near what it is now.

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i-heart-hxh
Anonymous asked:

Does killua know gon loves him?

Hi anon! This is such a simple question, but not a simple one to answer. I'll do my best, though!

So, I think the answer is both yes and no, in different ways.

Yes, in the sense that Gon has directly expressed his appreciation of and admiration towards Killua multiple times, said he enjoys being with him and wants to stay with him, and even called him his best friend at the end of Greed Island (really BEST friend, 最高の友達, saikou no tomodachi--I think the translation of "best friend in the whole world" gets the emphasis of this phrase across pretty well).

He said it "Has to be Killua," (キルアじゃなきゃダメなんだ, Killua ja nakya dame nanda) in the dodgeball match, which has implications both during the match and outside of it, that Killua is the only one he fully trusts and the only one who can be by his side for something this pivotal. This phrase has romantic implications, essentially the subtextual meaning is "Killua is the only one for me," hence why Killua reacts as strongly as he does to it. Notice how much he hides his face on this page.

So, I think it's silly to say Killua has no idea Gon cares about him deeply and values him. There are so many moments where Gon says things like this. It's partly why Killua loves Gon so much, because Gon isn't afraid to express that level of love and care and appreciation towards him, as uncomfortable as he acts about it. He's just unused to that receiving kind of praise and attention simply for being himself, rather than being praised for his abilities.

With Killua's views of himself, it's hard for him to fully accept Gon's affection and take it to heart, but luckily Gon is straightforward and doesn't hold back, and keeps repeatedly telling Killua how much he means to him. As the series goes, they form a strong mutual bond and relatively good understanding of each other.

The problem is that multiple things happen in Chimera Ant Arc to disrupt Killua's sense of where he belongs in Gon's life.

  1. He "fails" by fleeing from Pitou with Gon and "leaving Kite to die." While Gon doesn't blame Killua for the decision he made and neither does Kite, Killua nonetheless certainly blames himself for this to a degree. (Remember the scene with Morel and Knov mocking him?) It doesn't help that Bisky tells him that because of his inability to face opponents he sees as stronger than him, he'll eventually leave Gon to die. Then he watches the awful ramifications of what Kite's death does to Gon, knowing he had a role in what happened.
  2. Gon goes on the date with Palm, and Killua variously misinterprets this whole situation to mean that Gon has been on real dates with women previously (I do not think he had been on any dates in an actual romantic sense), Gon actually might have romantic feelings towards Palm, and that they're in some degree of a relationship even after Gon tells her they can't be together and Palm quietly dumps Gon in favor of Knov after the date. This sends Killua spiraling into his whole "Are we friends? Or are we teammates?" concerns, in conjunction with the next factor.
  3. Gon's "I swear... I'll take on that bastard myself," about Pitou, and the later "This has nothing to do with you," line. Remember how much Gon relied on Killua in the dodgeball match, and how much that meant to Killua? Remember how Killua very nearly died and his last thoughts were apologizing that he wasn't more useful to Gon? Killua stakes his whole sense of self on being useful to Gon, so when Gon makes taking down Pitou a solo mission, Killua doesn't know what role he has at Gon's side any more.

I'm sure there are plenty more factors I'm leaving out, but these are the main issues that lead to the gulf that develops between them during the course of Chimera Ant Arc.

Ever after all of this, they're still friends, they're on reasonably good terms when they part even though it's complex and fraught, but there's just so much they're not saying to each other about how they really feel.

I think Killua still knows Gon cares about him with the way they leave off--they agree to stay in touch, say they'll meet again, Killua even teases Gon about the way he treated him a few times and sees that Gon feels awful when he brings it up. I'm sure Gon apologized to Killua when they first saw each other again after all of that, no matter how non-comprehensive that apology may have been.

But, I do think Killua sees his feelings towards Gon as deeper and of a different nature than how he assumes Gon feels towards him. He may even feel a degree of guilt about the extent and nature of his feelings, with an assumption that, as much as Gon cares about him, Gon doesn't reciprocate Killua's romantic feelings. It may be one of many puzzle pieces contributing to the separation.

I think Killua has strong beliefs about Gon not returning his feelings in a romantic sense, which is part of what leads to how much pain he goes through in Chimera Ant Arc and beyond. But these beliefs are less about what Gon does or doesn't do--because *I* believe Gon has romantic feelings for Killua, even though he likely doesn't recognize them as such yet, and obviously in CAA his relationship with Killua is not at the forefront of his mind--but more about how Killua sees himself and how he projects that self-perception on Gon.

The thing is, Killua hasn't directly expressed his feelings (even on a friendship level) towards Gon either. and even hides how much he does for Gon, so Gon also doesn't fully understand the weight and degree of Killua's feelings for him either. He sees what Killua does for him and I'm sure he knows that's a way Killua expresses friendship to him, but at the same time, the reasons or feelings or depth behind those actions remain unspoken, so how is Gon supposed to know fully where Killua is coming from?

As much as he may have some inklings of Killua's feelings from reading his body language and all the time they spent together, it's not something that has been confirmed or stated the way Gon has expressed his feelings. So, it makes sense that these two boys might assume the other doesn't love them back the same way they love each other, because their own self-esteem is so low and they don't see themselves as deserving of the kind of love they have for each other.

So, in response to your question, both yes and no, and "It's complicated," too.

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buzzykrueger

Adding my two cents (sorry, OP, for the invasion, but I genuinely love the answer you wrote): Remember how Killua was given a purpose since birth? To be an assassin, to be the heir? Well, all of that originated from his own family, the very people who is responsible for providing our earliest perspective on love dynamics.

Since Killua was a baby, love was presented to him with a strong sense of duty in order to belong. Through abuse and torture, he came to believe that this was what 'love' meant.

Then he meets Gon, and Gon is... unlike his family. And he is everything. But, growing up amidst all that trauma has left indelible marks on his behavior, as we see when Bisky calls him out for fleeing the battlefield. It was only natural for Killua to adjust to his new life while inadvertently replicating a previous mindset: he found genuine affection, but does he know how to love without this sense of duty?

Not that I think it's an intentional feeling, but in Killua's case, lacking experience in displays of love beyond what he learned from his family (which is quite common in real life! Don't we all grow up replicating what we learn at home until we figure out how we want to love and be loved?), speaks volumes about his relationship with Gon. He's still, constantly and desperately, trying to tie that love to a role in Gon's life. Earning affection through sacrifice, through "work" - because he grew up working for the family, because 'work' meant 'bonding' at the same time it wasnt and he grew tired of not knowing what love without suffering feels like - doing a lot for Gon without him even knowing, trying to clean and fix everything by himself. The moment Gon cuts him off, it shatters Killua's sense of security about love. He "doesn't have a purpose" in that specific moment, he can't do anything for Gon (or so he believes), therefore, that can only scare Killua in regards to what Gon feels about him - shouldn't he be granted a purpose to serve?

That's why I believe Killua freezes when Palm says "you're the one Gon needs the most". That was not a joyful or confident reaction - he looks scared and broken. I don't think he knows what he can do or how he is needed if self-sacrifice and a specific role aren't valid options in the moment. What can he offer? How can he earn love if he can't fight alongside Gon against Pitou?

So yeah, basically, it's complicated. As we've seen, he ends up struggling with what he means to Gon, and he's on his own personal journey to figure out what it means to be needed and loved as he travels with Alluka. But someday she will "let him go" (as she promised before), and that will help him come full circle with this struggle. I could go on for another three paragraphs about Gon's own patterns, but that's more complex to put into words. Anyway! *hides in the darkness after an unwanted text wall misleadingly called 'two cents'*

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