The story of the Distant Goddess is absolute proof that it’s a crime that Ancient Egyptian mythology hasn’t entered the popular conciousness in the same way as Greek stuff.

Short, super paraphrased version: Ra is sick of humanity being rebellious wee bastards, so he sends a goddess as an embodiment of his vengeance, usually Sekhmet in the form of a great fuckoff lion - first to the southern deserts to wipe out the followers of Set. She does so, and then for unspecified reasons, Ra decides maybe humanity is redeemable hey call off the murderlion. But being an embodiment of pure divine retribution, she isn’t really having it.

So Ra sends Thoth out in an effort to soothe the goddess before she arrives in the north and wipes out everything including the gods (she’s just that strong). He’s terrified, but he tries all sorts of cunning and wisdom and trickery and tells her moral tales and all that, but all he can do is delay her.

In the meantime, Ra’s priests of the north are hard at work. They brew thousands of barrels of beer, and mix pots and pots red dye. And when the goddess inevitably arrives, they mix it up and pour it into the reeds of the nile. Believing it to be the spilled blood of her enemies, she drinks it up proudly… And gets EXTREMELY drunk, calming down and transforming into Hathor, goddess of joy and love.

And once a year to celebrate this momentous occasion, Egyptians would get Absolutely Plastered.

I didn’t find details on the exact date, but some cross-googling suggests the festival occured around the start of the Nile flood season, which is in mid-July.

Anyone got a more precise date?

Well, the traditional beginning of the flood season varies from year to year based on the first rise of the star Sirius before sunrise, and also marks the beginning of the ancient Egyptian new year. The Festival of Drunkenness would be held about 20 days after that.

Sirius’ rise - which varies around the world based on longitude, but basing it on Egypt for consistency’s sake - happens on the 24th of July in 2018.

So if you want to get smashed on behalf of an angry cat, the 13th of August is the day to mark down.

Today’s the day fuckers, get smashed on behalf of a cat.

I am Upset that I was not informed of this in time, so I am scheduling this post for next summer so we can plan properly next time

Thanks for the reminder.

This year the ancient new year is roughly the 2nd of August in Cairo.

Therefore Turbosmash For Angry Cat Day 2019 is the 22nd of August

Now that seems like a fun holiday to add to the year.

According to huscat’s math, in 2020 it is the 24th of August

@systlin

which is a monday 

just saying

Happy get smashed on behalf of a cat day!!!

I know tumblr really loves Persephone and Hades, which I get, but my favorite Greek Mythical figure has to be Ariadne.  Until this year I had pretty much only ever heard of her in the context of the Theseus and the Minotaur myth, but her story actually continues past that and I love it.  (Disclaimer, as with any Greek myth there’s a billion versions, but my favorite goes like this)

Ariadne is practically the personification of “the best revenge is living well” and I think that’s great.

this is good shit.

Hell yeah XD

what’s christmas even like in non-christian families? in completely non-religious families? like what do you tell your children? “well, kids, we’re eating a whole lot of food and spending a fuckton of money spoiling you because some other people somewhere believe their holy lord and saviour and the greatest person to walk the earth was born 2000 years ago. here’s a playstation.”

yeah pretty much

i legit didnt know non-christians celebrated christmas… literally never crossed my mind 

We do, and basically it’s like “Hey kids, let’s decorate a tree, exchange presents, eat a fuckload of food, and get a picture with the creepy mall Santa that probably will be arrested next week”. I didn’t even know it was a religious holiday until I was 9

Christmas was celebrated here (in Norway) for several thousand years before Christianity got here. There was literally nothing Christian about it in the beginning, the Christians just figured it’d be easier to say that Jesus was born on a day that was already celebrated than to make up a new holiday and force it on people

Pretty much every culture in the northern hemisphere has had a celebration in the fuck-all heart of winter purely because it’s depressing as fuck when it’s cold all the time and dark for 90% of the time

So long before jesus was born someone was like

“k it’s cold and dark and the view outside is literally identical to our concept of hell but I made you this candle stop being sad”

Yep, Easter existed before Jesus died on this day. Basically pretty much every “Christian” holiday was put on a pagan holiday, like lots of churches were also built on pagan places of worship. That’s how they made Christianity a success. We call that marketing now. 

Christmas is rooted in pre-Christian Solstice celebrations. By Dec. 25th, days are getting noticeably longer. Light is triumphing over the dark. Spring and life will eventually return. In the dead of winter, the promise of renewal. It’s an ancient and powerful thing, that has been integral to human culture and religion in every culture around the globe. 

Christians couldn’t get people to stop celebrating their solstice feast days, so they replaced the ‘rebirth of the sun’ celebrations with a ‘birth of the son’ celebration. Literally all they did was tweak existing mythology and relabel old traditions. 

Christmas is far, far older than Christianity. Don’t flatter yourselves. 

Additionally the birth of Christ was probably sometime in the spring or summer. (we base this on tax times and lambing seasons). By and large*, Christians didn’t start celebrating the birth of Jesus in December until 336 when Roman Emperor Constantine did a whole bunch of shady stuff to give his momma’s religion more power/importance and basically set Christianity on the sucky ass path it’s been on every since. (fyi it was Pope Julius I who made it an official holiday a few years later).

*There is some speculation on why this was so easily accepted. One reason being that for reasons not quite known the date was already associated with Jesus’s birth. In the second century Hippolytus wrote in passing that Jesus’s birthday was on December 25th and I think this gets largely ignored because it doesn’t fit with the currently popular historical narrative. That said humans have long had traditions of combining/appropriating regional holidays as populations move into and out of areas and we have ALWAYS had a mid winter holiday for reasons.

tl;dr: The most readily identified secular Christmas observations/symbols/etc aren’t Christian at all, so it’s not remotely odd to me that Christmas is celebrated by nonchristians. It’s odder to me that nonchristians get all riled up when those secular symbols are attacked. (like holiday reindeer cups, etc)

ps. I realize that those symbols are not secular to everyone, but in most current observances there is little knowledge or understanding of their religious roots. 

“CLIMBS UP ON SOAPBOX”

ALSO BECAUSE I’M NOT DONE

Christmas trees? Why the fuck do we drag a tree into our house and decorate it in the middle of winter? Because the evergreen is an ancient pagan symbol associated with immortality and rebirth, as it’s the only tree that is green in the dead of winter. Romans used fir branches to decorate their homes at Saturnalaia. Pagans in Europe used fir and holly branches to remind themselves that rebirth and growth would return, as even the coldest winter could not kill all the green growing things. It doesn’t have fuckall to do with Jesus, kids. 

Santa? The wise old man who rides a sleigh drawn by eight reindeer through the sky on Yule Night? Based on Odin, the Allfather of the Norse Gods, who rode his eight-legged steed Slepnir on a hunt through the sky on Yule night. Children would leave their boots out, filled with hay or root vegetables for Odin’s mount as an offering. If this pleased Odin, he would leave gifts in return, for all gifts must be returned in kind. 

Sound familiar?? (Right and the reindeer? A hugely important animal to most of the Northern European cultures where solstice celebrations originated. They also have ties to the Horned God, the god of the hunt, which associates them with Odin’s ride with the Wild Hunt on Yule Eve. Again, ain’t got shit-all to do with Jesus.) 

Christmas. 

Ain’t. 

Christian. 

*builds a soapbox big enough for the both of us, passes you a cup of eggnog and a spiced cookie*

Don’t get me started on St. Nic. 

Saint Nicolas (the Wonderworker) was a wealthy, 4th century Turkish saint (so the likelihood of that round white man with the white beard…yeah…pretty slim *snickers at pun*) with a reputation for secret gift giving, ie putting coins in shoes…which I wonder where that notion would have come from? I mean on the one hand, yes, previously existing traditions from others, but also, shoes are handy? and a place someone is likely to absolutely not miss a thing.

But really, THAT’S IT. He didn’t leave toys for children or build them or any such thing. What we have is just have a good ol’ case of FUSION going on wherein the Christians were super excited to have someone of their own who could take on the traits of a figure most likely already common in their time/geography. Because I’ma guess folks really didn’t want to give up this kind of fun.

It REALLY helped that St. Nic’s feast day was early December. 

The holiday took off during the Middle Ages in areas where anything pagan had better be rebranded as Christian or folks couldn’t keep it. St. Nic was handy, became Sinterklass and heck yes took a whole bunch from Odin cause you know…Odin needed a Christian face if he was going to continue spoiling kids with sweets. 

As it stands now, St. Nic is nearly lost in all but name, but man…when people start getting super passionate about their white santa I like to drag him out and wave him around.

GESTICULATES WILDLY AT ABOVE POST WHILE SHOVING COOKIE INTO MOUTH

And St. Nick became associated with the earlier Odin myth BECAUSE he shared some features compatible with the Odin myth and was a suitable Christian figure to use to cover up the older, pagan roots of the tradition!

SANTA IS EITHER A TURKISH MAN OR THE POWERFUL KING OF A PAGAN PANTHEON TAKE YOUR PICK EITHER WAY YOUR JOLLY LITTLE WHITE SANTA IS A LIE.

AND THEN THE ELVES. FUCK ME THE ELVES. 

Tied inextricably to the myths of the ‘little people,’ and of course to the powerful Sidhe and the dwarves of Norse myth, who crafted wondrous gifts for the gods in their marvelous workshops.  

The Fair Folk were well known for punishing those who crossed them, and conversely richly rewarding those who pleased them. Or, in other words, “The Naughty and Nice.” 

“Swigs eggnog, drops mic.” 

Okay so like my favorite awful Christmas movie is the Life and Adventures of Santa Claus because holy heck it takes all the pagan elements cuts them up and stitches them into this wild but somehow historically honest (not accurate, honest, there’s a difference) quilt and yes, the naughty and nice fair/forest folk just– *flails until you reassure me that you’ve seen this claymation masterpiece*

This is why our tree is basically forest, fey, and mythological creatures because honestly the magic and wonder of the season is what I love the most.

Also, I sorta hate round fat jolly santa and I think we could have largely helped me get over that as a child if he had just ridden a beautiful giant grey horse.

NOW

DO WE EVEN WANT TO GET INTO THE MESS THAT IS YULE LOGS?

OH FUCK I THOUGHT NO ONE ELSE EVEN KNEW ABOUT THAT MOVIE MY MOTHER WATCHED IT WITH US WHEN I WAS A LITTLE BUDDING FILTHY HEATHEN AND SHE WAS ALREADY A FULLY FLEDGED FILTHY HEATHEN.

My tree is all vintage glass ornaments that I’ve gotten from thrift shops because I love the sheer beauty of them and because I feel like my pagan ancestors would have also loved them. 

And OH FUCK YULE LOGS, traditionally cut from an oak tree, which has such deep rich symbolism in old pagan mythology that it’s worthy of a whole essay on its own, decorated with evergreen and holly for rebirth and immortality, and burned on the solstice to celebrate the return of light and warmth.

There’s an old, old rhyme for this; 

May the log burn, May the wheel turn, May evil spurn, May the Sun return.

And then of course the ashes were used as powerful protection and fertility charms. 

CHRISTIANITY CONTENT; 0.000000%. 

“Offers spiced mead and gingerbread.” 

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this and…

HOLY CRAP, OTHER PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT THAT MOVIE?! IT’S MY FAV FUCKING XMAS MOVIE AND WHEN I SHOW IT TO PEOPLE THEY’RE LIKE…WTF DID I JUST WATCH?!

Now….can I get on this spiced mead and cookies business?!

Reading this next to my family’s Saint Nicholas shrine just nodding my head. Let me tell you all a story about medieval Serbia. It was full of pagans until Christianity came in and basically changed all of their pagan traditions to be more Christian.

“The slava is a reinterpretation of a pagan rite: the ancestor-protector became a Christian saint, frequently St. Nicholas, with the pagan rite being reduced of many religious elements and frequent ceremonies and becoming a social event with the annual meeting of the family and friends.” Wikipedia.

The pagan tradition was for each family to have a feast in honor of that family’s protector, usually a pagan god or something close to that. This was later replaced with a Christian saint, like Saint Nicholas in the case of my family.

Say hi to Santa, kiddos!

HI SANTA!!!!!

Review of the book Zeus Grants Stupid Wishes by Cody O’Brien.

To sum up this book in a single sentence - “What would happen is Deadpool wrote a mythology book.”

Yeah, this guy-

Wrote a book. Here are some examples of why I think this.

GREEK MYTHOLOGY 

The Greek creation myth.

The story of Hephaestus god of Blacksmithing and Aphrodite Goddess of Love.

The story of the Minotaur. 

NORSE MYTHOLOGY

Norse creation myth.

Odin orders Loki to steal Freyja’s necklace. He does. This is so in character for both of them Freyja instantly knows who to blame.  

EGYPTIAN MYTHOLOGY

Ra gets mad at humanity and creates Sekhmet Lion Goddess of Killing Stuff. 

How Isis retrieves her huband’s coffin from the support pillar it got stuck inside.

MAYAN MYTHOLOGY

How to try and kill the god Zipacna and fail. 

CHRISTIANITY MYTHOLOGY

How God made Eve from Adam’s rib. 

The story of how King Solomon judges proper maternal instinct. 

HINDU MYTHOLOGY

Men ask Shiva to stop Kali’s murder rampage.

And this is how he does it. 

JAPANESE MYTHOLOGY

The Goddess Izanami gives birth to the whole island of Japan. 

A story about Tanuki.

AFRICAN MYTHOLOGY

Creation myth

SUMERIAN MYTHOLOGY

Creation myth

The Epic of Gilgamesh: Being born

The Epic of Gilgamesh: Meeting his best friend.

NATIVE AMERICAN MYTHOLOGY

Do I really need to explain why I feel the Merc with a mouth was involved in the retelling here?

I have this book. I’ve read it about ten times and I love it.

@systlin

This guy has a whole website

It’s called Better Myths, and it is a GIFT

I need this book!

@infernoking @d20-darling @askkakuro @thefingerfuckingfemalefury @windows-operating-system

“Daedalus, who is a fantastic genius inventor with no sense of right and wrong…”

I lost it at that line :D

im Rabbit

AMAZING

THIS IS AMAZING

Athena blessed her with the ability to protect herself and men beheaded her for it.

That’s actually a really intetesting intpretation of it I hadn’t thought of. Most people seem to think Athena turned Medusa into a gorgon as punishment for defiling her temple, but thinking that she did so to protect her from being abused again is interesting and I like it!

Athena’s hands were tied. Yes, she was a powerful Goddess, but she was very much a woman in a “boys club”, and the true offending party (don’t think for a moment that Athena blamed Medusa for being raped in the temple, Athena knows better) held all the cards. There was nothing that Athena could do to punish the true criminal, and she was expected to punish Medusa by everyone else. What’s a Goddess to do when she cannot punish those who need to be punished and is expected to punish not only the truly innocent party, but her most beloved follower? Use that incredible brain power she had to protect Medusa at all costs, and of course the men would see it as punishment, to be have her beauty stripped from her and sent to live in the shadows. Medusa should have been KILLED for supposedly defiling the temple, whether she truly did or not, but she was given the gift of life, and the ability to protect herself and her daughters (who she bore thanks to Poseidon). This is why Medusa’s image was used to signify woman’s shelters and safe houses.

Medusa means “guardian; protectress”, and she was.

holy shit.

Feministic mythology is what I’m here for

THIS ALL THE WAY

ME