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People who give pets a bit of chocolate when they know it’s their pets last day are a bit of a funny concept. Imagine being old and friends with an alien who will live ten times your lifespan and they’re like “ah shit he’s dying, well since you’re dying anyway haven’t you always wanted to know what uranium tastes like?”

In this scenario have you been asking to share the alien's uranium desserts for your entire friendship?

Well to be fair if I was friends with a heavy metal-eating alien and he LOVED uranium and loved to put it in various forms in his alien desserts or ate it on its own sometimes and his species had a guy who made intrictate edible uranium scuptures that everyone on Krunglr (Saturnian tumblr) lost their shit over then yeah I'd be quite curious too

the aliens:

hey. what the fuck does this mean

omg imagine being born and you are on a spaceship and everyone aboard is sooo so mad at you just because you burst out of some guy's chest to be born. like um sorry i've not been alive before i didn't even know that's not allowed please be nice to me um the spaceship floor is cold is no one going to knit me some little booties i am calling child protective services

I've been thinking about crop circles and how they kind of just stopped being a thing like 20 years ago and I've decided the obvious explanation is that they were all made by one individual alien who recently retired from the art world after a long career of controversial surrealist art in which he went from one pre-contact planet to another fucking with the indigenous species' corn

alien cats 💚‼️

funniest kind of alien to meet: a big bearlike species that cultivates a symbiotic population of bugs in their fur. the bugs distribute oils, eat dead skin and hair, and fight off parasitical species. it's like an external immune system for them. they only lose their bugs on death, when the colony flows from the cooling body into the warm fur of the assembled mourners. a bearlian with no bugs, due to fire or frost damage, is in need of immediate transfusion or they will be at risk of terrible infections.

unfortunately humans have no symbiotic bugs in our fur, and our ancient instincts are to remove all bugs from all fur, immediately. a body covered in swarming little pests is deeply horrifying: it's viscerally dangerous to us.

so each of us see one another as disgusting corpses. and our diplomats have to talk to each other across very wide tables.

For bearlians, a lack of fur means that there's nothing keeping the symbiotic bugs safe from external danger, so any bald patches they might have are prone to infection as the symbiotic bugs tend to stay in the fur where it's safe. A (relative to them) mostly hairless human would appear to be the very embodiment of plague, far more than even a species that lacks hair altogether: no hair is odd but understandable for other species, but having just a little bit of hair is viscerally wrong

we meet an alien race and they're like "oh, what is this thing you call 'gender'? and what are 'pronouns'?" and we explain it to them and they're like "that's so weird! we don't have that. I guess you can use they/them for our whole race?" and we're all trading science and technology and then someone looks at their medical textbooks and it turns out they have penises and vaginas just like humans, in approximately 50/50 distribution like humans. they just never thought that was something to bother categorizing people by.

like they don't divide people and talk to them different based on if they have brown or green eyes, or if they have attached or detached earlobes. it's just another thing that varies amongst their population.

i love how this implies that we gained access to their medical textbooks before someone fucked the aliens

It's a lot easier to email a copy of Gray's Anatomy across the vacuum of space than it is to get you and your genitals over there, so yeah. Don't worry, fucking them is still high on the todo

aliens determining that we fail the harkness test five minutes after first contact because jk rowling is the one they happen upon

I would love to know what sequence of events lead to the first human contact with aliens being with JK ROWLING of all people.

we finally gather the resources to launch her into the sun but she gets fucking intercepted

Kidnapped and experimented on by aliens but I was in the control group so nothing happened

First humans ever to leave the solar system suddenly drop out of communications and the ship can't be found with any equipment. After one month of no contact their home countries start reluctantly holding funerals for the space heroes only for them all to turn up, healthy, well fed and extremely disoriented, in the middle of Tokyo, talking about alien abduction. Turns out that aliens found the poor humans straying out of their solar system, presumably lost, and took them to Alien Wildlife Rehabilitation before dumping them back in the middle of their native habitat.

#bonus points if none if the crew are Japanese#aliens just dropped where they thought was best

I literally just googled "city with the highest population"

I’ll bet they have cool new tattoos that turn out to be tracking devices too. Just in case these spirited individuals try to make another break for it.

... do the tats make them stupid popular, like that time scientists gave birds tracker anklets and it accidentally made them ultra fuckable

Let’s say yes. Those alien scientists are learning so much, and none of it is accurate.

People who give pets a bit of chocolate when they know it’s their pets last day are a bit of a funny concept. Imagine being old and friends with an alien who will live ten times your lifespan and they’re like “ah shit he’s dying, well since you’re dying anyway haven’t you always wanted to know what uranium tastes like?”

In this scenario have you been asking to share the alien's uranium desserts for your entire friendship?

i put on the cow print bikini and am immediately abducted by aliens

Having fun imagining alien abductions as higher dimensional beings rescuing us from some sort of comical superspatial hazard we can't even perceive or comprehend, like having to hold a raccoon down and put grease on its neck to get its head unstuck from a peanut jar

"Fuck, man, I know we're not supposed to touch these things but did you see him? He was totally covered in a Neuemann-Andrugtshang Field and he didn't even know. Just drenched. Did you see how fucked up he looked? Poor thing, scared half to death. I need to go wash my hands."

take me to the moooon 🐄👽🛸

Real couples

English added by me :)