Obsessed with the total lack of progress Tuvok & Tom make with each other in the episode 'Gravity', especially in this scene. Typically with two characters in an episode together, especially with tension, you'd expect for them to grow closer and reach a new understanding of one another and this feels like the scene which SHOULD be just that: Tuvok finally opening up and Tom being able to understand him - but that doesn't happen.
First of all, Tuvok doesn't open up fully. He does reveal quite a lot about himself which he would normally consider deeply private. I'm sure for him this sort of admission is horrendously shameful but even when admitting to it he cannot help but hide the truth in an effort to paint himself in a slightly more flattering light.
He says "I chose to leave her," when it's shown in episode that Tuvok was disowned and essentially left for dead by his father and it's kind of a tragedy because I'm sure THAT would be the thing that Tom could connect to!!!!
Tom has also, much more recently, gone through this sort of 'losing everything' hell where he lost his place in the world and his father abandoned him. Granted, for Tom the reasons were criminal in nature but it's shown throughout the show that Tom was pressured by his father from a very young age to grow up to be the ideal Starfleet Man he thought Tom should be.
(Perhaps Tom wouldn't have even felt the need to lie about the error if it hadn't been for this pressure - though that could also be twisted the other way. If the importance of Starfleet Integrity and Doing What's Right hadn't been drilled into him so much he might have just 'kept his mouth shut' and been home free, as he said. Tom's inability to commit to one or the other is an important part of his character to me - just like how he cannot completely give up on wanting to be loved and valued in a system he pays lipservice to not caring about and how he says he hates his father while also clearly longing for his approval)
Tom's complete and utter failure to be the Starfleet Officer[tm] his father wants mimics Tuvok's, far more willful, failure to adhere to his father's Vulcan standards. Oh, but also? Tuvok's father is also in Starfleet.
We know for certain that Tuvok's father was on the Yorktown when Tuvok was serving under Sulu in 'Flashback'. I assume that this, in conjunction with Tuvok (in this same episode) saying he himself only joined Starfleet under pressure from his parents is implying that his father is a member of Starfleet in some way. What his rank and role was and whether he stayed in Starfleet is unknown but it, again, IS stated outright by Tuvok that he was pressured to join Starfleet - as was Tom.
Neither of them wanted to join Starfleet and they were both willing to join in order to gain approval from them. If I may speculate for a moment, I think they both probably felt like failures. Tuvok with his teenaged rebellion and Tom with what seems like his entire existence.
Tuvok failed his father once, spectacularly, so gravely that he was severed completely from him and I'm certain that a parent cutting off ties as perceived punishment for behavior (this is how Tuvok phrases it - 'because I will not obey, my father abandoned me') would deeply affect a person. Especially a child. I also imagine it would make them think thrice about doing anything else that warrants punishment in that person's eyes.
Tom seems to have always been a disappointment to his father, at least in his mind. He shares this sentiment multiple times - how he was scolded for crying, scolded as never finishing anything, had his interests deemed 'pointless'....in 'Persistence of Vision' the only thing Tom can imagine is his father berating him, telling him he can't do anything right and is always destined to fail. This is of course only his perception of his father but it shows how terribly devoid of support and love their relationship was that this phenomena which shows everyone else scenes of comfort, love, and home - can only show Tom hatred and derision. You might think it'd show him a stereotypical hot babe or his father actually praising him but it seems the episode implies, at least to me, That that's the only thing Tom (at this point) can truly get lost in, truly believe. Hatred and derision.
Under these circumstances it's no wonder the two of them want their fathers' approval so damn much. They dedicated YEARS of their lives studying at an academy for a job they didn't even WANT only for it to go to shit. Tuvok quits and Tom is kicked out.
But therein lies the difference between them. Tuvok QUITS and Tom is kicked out. The timeframe is also different - Tom worked himself up to the rank of lieutenant and seemed to be ready to keep on going while 'Flashback' occurs during Tuvok's very first deep space mission and he's already certain he'll quit as soon as they return and he makes good on it.
There's a certain resolve Tuvok has that Tom lacks, and that's not me trying to insult the guy - I'm just looking over the facts. There's no point in which Tom rejects his father, whereas Tuvok rejects his father's wishes twice. Tom says a lot about hating his father and not wanting him in his life and I believe every word of that but the truth of the matter is that Tom is saying all this when his father is already firmly out of his life, when there's no risk of his words putting him further out of favor because hey, how much further out of favor can he get at this point?
I like this complexity of Tom's, it feels like a very realistic way someone would react to a stifling, controlling, but very present parent. He only feels able to express negative things about his father when his father can't hear them. He wants to be good, the ideal his father was grooming him to be, but also feels unable to reach this ideal because he's a disappointment to his father - never good enough. It's almost contradictory.
Meanwhile, Tuvok seems to have gone in the opposite direction. He's had time that Tom hasn't since The Falling Out and though he spent that time separated from his father ('in seclusion' he says, studying the kolinahr - perhaps, if I can speculate again, in an attempt to become a more Perfect Vulcan....one might say...the Ideal Vulcan, in substitute of a Perfect Starfleet Officer, not that I think Tuvok would do this consciously)
One might think that in this time Tuvok would carve out his own path and he does - he becomes a professor of archery on Vulcan, raises a family...but he, very interestingly, DOES come back around to reinforce his father's wishes as true and good.
He's like "It took fifty years of soul searching but I finally realized that my father was right, he was right all along and I was the one who was foolish and wrong." He even asserts that his FATHER'S desire for Tuvok to join Starfleet [like he did] was actually in TUVOK'S 'best interest' - assigning an altruism to the desire that makes it seem like he was morally in the wrong or stupid for his disobedience.
It isn't addressed explicitly, the fact that Tuvok's father (explicitly his father, whereas he says 'parents' in 'Flashback' he says his FATHER specifically banished him in 'Gravity') literally left him to essentially go to the temple or die - and the fact that it isn't addressed feeds into the above perception he has of his father. It's fine that his father did that. It was honestly? Good that he did that. It was Right and Tuvok was stupid and selfish and wrong if he at any point felt hurt by it.
And this, this implied tendency of Tuvok's to blame himself when his father specifically finds fault with his actions - is very similar to Tom's constant and obvious self-hatred. Tuvok reacts to this with "My father is right and good, I just didn't understand" and Tom reacts to it with "I hate my father, who cares what he thinks?" and yet they both obviously yearn for that paternal approval. They want to be their father's special boy deep down. This is also why I'm saying I'm not insulting Tom's lack of resolve, over the years it's obvious that Tuvok's resolve, when it comes to his father, has also been worn away.
It's interesting that Tuvok used to be so rebellious, brash, arrogant in a different way. Bright eyed and not really caring to fit in with others - certain he could forge his own path. Now he's by-the-book, an enforcer, he's come back to the system with a willingness to lay down the law he once bucked against. He seems to be a person who somehow gained positive experiences from these types of things and thus views them as good and doesn't understand why others would view them as bad. His own rebellion has been labeled stupid and bad, in his mind and so in his mind ALL rebellion is stupid and bad.
Tom is still in that rebellious phase (it perhaps only just solidified since he was dedicated to following in his father's footsteps before the accident) but he also still cares about his father's opinion of him and so it's perhaps obvious why he'd be so fixated on Tuvok's life. Tuvok is both Tom and his father. Tuvok is the Ideal Starfleet Officer, the Ideal Vulcan, the Perfect Family Man - all in Tom's eyes, and he wants (speculatively) to break that, to show it isn't real or show that it'll crumble under pressure like he did.
Tuvok plays into his perception of himself. He enjoys being seen as above others, separate from them, and at times goes out of his way to cultivate that image - send that message: I'm Not One Of You.
So, back to the conversation in 'Gravity' : Tuvok is opening up IMMENSELY in this moment to Tom. He's admitting to something which he sees as deeply shameful, a terrible blight on his life and something which will leave cracks in Tom's perception of him.
However, to Tom, Tuvok isn't admitting to anything that bad. He's a Human and a self-described playboy and he's judging Tuvok's admission by his own standards. 'I went crazy over a girl' is probably something he's said before, heard Harry said before, etc. You can really see this in how differently they're speaking in this moment.
Tuvok is speaking gravely, talking about how he almost lost himself, how he would have done anything to be with her, and to him this is deathly serious but Tom almost shrugs and goes "What's the big deal?" and perhaps because of that Tuvok seems to become defensive, almost irritated. Tom again doesn't seem to care to explore the statement that Tuvok's emotions, Vulcan emotions, are different from Humans and cannot be held to the same standards and instead asks for the end of Tuvok's story.
Then, maybe because of how Tom's behaved up to this point, Tuvok, instead of being honest, lies. He says he "chose" to leave Jara - choosing to better maintain his image as the Perfect Wise Vulcan who knew what was best for himself, who didn't fight with and become disowned by his father, whose school didn't kick him out, who was left with no choice but to join a temple or die. No, instead of that messy truth Tuvok chooses to feed Tom the image of him as better than that, the closest to Perfection he can get at this point and this is the closing of what had previously been opened, just a crack. And Tom's apathetic "Too bad," at hearing this (more unrelatable perfection, the ideal reinforced) is the final click of a lock.
It's honestly somewhat tragic and I love that, I love it so much.
