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#b'elanna – @bumblingbabooshka on Tumblr

Probablea

@bumblingbabooshka / bumblingbabooshka.tumblr.com

18+ || My name's Probably Bea || He/They || 23 y/o ||Ao3: mystery_ink|| Art+Writing Commissions: OPEN
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I think Seven would tentatively confide in B'Elanna about dissociation problems and B'Elanna would be like "Seven, everyone deals with that kind of thing! Don't worry about it too much, okay?" and they'd both be like, quietly relieved that they're not the only one and thus think that it's normal when in reality they should both talk to like, a professional. AND THEY WON'T! Bc they both kind of know in their hearts that it's weird but it's ok, bc they found someone else who understands and won't try to analyze them about it <3 Seven Dissociation: Fragile sense of burgeoning identity. Goes between feeling 'too empty' (you're not supposed to be alone) and 'too crowded' - as if she can feel multiple identities within her. Feels as if the 'original' her has died and she is a completely different person than the pre-borg her, not as if she IS that child just grown up. At times of high stress, she sometimes has memory lapses which freak her out. Not connected much to her body. Is this body hers? Where did she come from? She was born when she was severed from the collective and she was born when she emerged from the maturation chamber and she was born at some distant point in the past beyond memory, to a Human woman she once called mother. At times she listens back to her personal logs and feels as if she's listening to someone else's thoughts and opinions. Sometimes she remembers saying these things but still feels this way. It reminds her of being Borg, where she can remember things she did but can't really...reach it. Can't empathize fully. Who is Seven? Is she that child, the Human? Is she Seven of Nine, the borg? No. No. Who is Seven? B'Elanna Dissociation: Has a very 'insecure'[?] sense of identity. Easily hurt by and conscious of what others think of her though most wouldn't think this is true. Long periods of feeling completely detached from her body and the world, though she's still going about her daily tasks. Looks into the mirror and doesn't really recognize herself or sees herself as revoltingly ugly in ways others don't see or understand. At times self-harms in an attempt to 'return to herself' if she's dissociating too long as it starts to scare her. Often goes back and erases personal logs made while she dissociating. As a child had an internal habit of blaming things on one 'half' of her, heavily demonizing "The Klingon" girl and this has persisted into adulthood. Views herself in a very 'split' way - "My Klingon side protected me from X" etc. Does not have a cohesive whole vision of herself but instead sees herself as essentially "Good Half" and "Evil Half". I can picture her saying it was like she had a twin sister growing up. This began further back than she can remember but solidified totally after her father abandoned her family. At times she feels she is the "good" version of her, berating the "bad" one and at other times she's the "bad" one being berated. Her body is ugly and she is half evil and if only she could get rid of it, disengage from it, escape herself totally....

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From Patreon: B'ElaDonna - Kes & B'Elanna In which Kes becomes interested in photography and has B'Elanna teach her about old school equipment. They go around taking pictures of pretty much everything and everyone with B'Elanna being reserved about it at first before getting into it and the two of them start having fun. Finally, Kes reveals that a large part of why she's so interested in photography is because she's worried about not leaving anything behind or being forgotten by the rest of them. In Kes' mind, their lifespans are like...centuries upon centuries. She'll be ancient history by the time they die. B'Elanna thinks photographs can be painful and initially doesn't really want to take photos of anything meaningful to her. She doesn't want the reminder for when it's all inevitably lost. She shows Kes a photo of her and her dad that she saved when her mother destroyed all the rest. She doesn't know why she even kept it, it's stupid. Kes observes it then looks at B'Elanna seriously. She doesn't think it's stupid. She thinks B'Elanna must have cared a lot about it, to keep it safe for so many years. Episode ends with a shot of the photo of B'Elanna and her father. It's slowly covered up by all the other photographs of her and her friends on Voyager. The final photo is, of course, Kes. B'Elanna smiles briefly then shuts the drawer. [Patreon | Commissions]

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leohtttbriar

Fear, depicted as an accurate detector of vulnerabilities and anxieties, to b'elanna:

  • "you're like me. a little of this. a little of that" - implying b'elanna fears being a combined or recombined symbol of diversity, fears the ways she is not fully one thing or another, fears that she is drawn and constructed by people around her instead of by herself, fears that this is evident in some way, fears that she is simply an evolving program unoriginal and unable to sustain her own being, fears that she inspires the same things Fear does in those around her
  • [gives her flowers] - implying b'elanna fears being mocked, fears romance for the fact that she doesn't trust it, fears interest for what what might have inspired it
  • "ooh what a temper! that's from your mother's side, isn't it?" - implying that b'elanna fears she is out of control, fears control might mean abandoning her mother in some way or the other, fears she would do so, regardless, for the sake of control

and then Fear sends b'elanna away and keeps harry, sensing that they have a combined anxiety about janeway loving harry more. the double-edged nature of this--harry fearing he is particularly protected by janeway, b'elanna fearing she isn't--of course doesn't reveal what janeway actually feels, only that harry and b'elanna think about it. b'elanna must have walked away from this experience like emily-"how dreary to be somebody / how public like a frog"-dickinson.

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Society if Seska was obsessed with B'Elanna as well as Chakotay and they tied her betrayal of the Maquis into Tuvok's betrayal of the Maquis and we got to see what B'Elanna & Chakotay's differing feelings on each of those betrayals was. I'm picturing Seska has them captured somewhere and they're trying to get out without resorting to some violence Seska wants them to. (Psychological torture* is a great way to get people on your side, so say the Cardassians). Absolutely no input from the others during their scenes, it's all them. I want to see more of B'Elanna & Chakotay's friendship/backstory as well as their relationships with Seska. What do they think of violence (systematically, in general, as a means to an end)? What counts as violence? What do they think of the Maquis? What are their morals and how do they differ? What do they think of each other? Also in this au Seska 100% offers B'Elanna, in honeyed tones, the chance to reconstruct her face so she looks entirely Human. Wasn't that what you've wanted all your life~? *I imagine that this is a torment, it's unclear whether what they're doing is having any impact on the outside world at all. Is this real? A simulation? Are their sacrifices actually sacrifices? [Tying, perhaps, into the feeling that maybe their time in the Maquis was useless as they were fighting against two different governments and ended up here, essentially forced to be Starfleet. How do they feel about Starfleet? The crew? Why did they choose to be in the Maquis?] <- Ending does not definitively answer these questions but says that if there is hope there's an obligation to fight for it and if there is injustice, violence from a so-called 'higher power', there is an obligation to fight against it. (Star Trek would NEVER allow this 'higher power' to be Starfleet but OH WELL)

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