shoot au wedding vows (bc they would probs only get married in an au)

root: i promise always to leer at your boobs and touch your butt like it is the stanley cup and i am a career hockey player. i promise not to trick you into drinking soymilk, not to drug you or kidnap you unless it’s for consensual sex purposes, and not to steal any more of your sexy tank tops. i promise to give you space and to stare at you for no more than ten minutes when you are sleeping. i promise to love you as much as if not more than the machine. amen.

finch: is that how vows are supposed to go?

shaw: i guess i promise not to face punch you. or shoot you again. um, i promise not to trick you into eating meat ‘cause that makes you really sad. and i promise not to disappear on you or go away for a while without checking in. um… i also promise to always come find your nerdling ass wherever you are and bring you home again. and not to resent the machine. as much.

root:… and?

shaw: and i promise never to disconnect the wifi again on pain of death.

root: amen. we are now married.

reese: i don’t think this is how any of it is supposed to go.

finch: well they have the making out part right..

reese: oh god.