Hope & Honesty

We fall for people because there's some way they made us feel that we wanted to experience, and it was a good feeling.

Sometimes we aren't honest with ourselves though once we start investing hope in something...knowing that it isn't what it was. This is because we want it to still be what we originally believed, experienced, once had.

It's almost like that hope is all we have left of it.

So we hold on. And to hold on is to have hope, no matter how small a sliver. Holding on over time is investing in that hope.

The question is- why do you hold on to something and invest in it when it's not even what you originally wanted or experienced anymore?

Because it once was- so it could be again, right?

But it isn't. And that's a painful truth to face.

Just wanting things to be the way they were and entertaining dreams of how it could be distracts us from being actually free in the present.

The second that changes, or disappears- it's almost like you can gaslight yourself into believing it could change back again- or hinge on the possibility that someday in the future, we could experience it again. We feed ourselves a hope that isn't actually there because facing the reality is too painful to acknowledge. That it isn't that way now.

I romanticize the shit out of my desired experiences once I experience something that gives me hope, so I get it. I'm trying to save you the same self inflicted pain of hoping when the love you deserve isn't there. Your heart deserves to be free and open to everything you want for yourself- but stop looking to one person you had an experience or good feeling with when it's not that way now. Don't get caught up and invested in something that's literally only going to distract you from so much more that is available to you.

The mistake is to believe the only way to experience that feeling is with that particular person, and in turn, to attach your desire for it to them.

That's one of the things that keeps us stuck mentally on a person that we know -or realize over time- isn't right for us. Or maybe we see their potential to be the "right person" for us, but it's not the right time. Well, then they aren't the right person.

This is all about grounding yourself in the present reality.

There's a song lyric I really love & live by, from the band Household that says,

Live by that. Be honest, kind, true- with yourself and others.

It can be hard to accept that if you still want what you had with them on some level- because letting go means letting go of that, too.

It means letting go of the hope you want to hold on to for that fulfillment again.

But you don't have to give up hope, and you still can be fulfilled- probably sooner and better- if you simply let go of finding it in that person.

Make a list of the ways you felt, the experiences you had, the good feelings you still want (that can't happen with that person for whatever reason stands). Accept the facts: it's not coming from them right now, so it's not coming from them at all. Keeping it as a possibility in your mind is what keeps you hung up and stuck.

All you have is the present. Stop waiting on some "future fulfillment" you want to happen for you in someone who presently isn't capable of showing up in that way... when you deserve all that goodness now without them, regardless of them.

Then start creating it for yourself. And also opening up your heart to the many ways that feeling and experiences can come to you in your life- be open to receiving it, know you're 100% worthy of it, that it's possible, and that it will happen in the perfect timing as you trust and hope and keep believing it will. You'll set yourself free and open up your heart. You'll actually receive it.

Because what happens if you don't keep your hope fixed one person who used to fill your cup in some way and STOP looking to them is that you expand. Your heart opens up wider. You begin to actually receive; you begin to water yourself, nurture yourself, and let yourself be watered/receptive to many sources of nourishment and love. You blossom.

When you allow yourself to stay open and free apart from a specific person who can't offer that to you at this time, your big heart can actually experience all it desires.

If you stay in disappointment, loss, sadness, pain, grief- you'll feel the lack of what isn't there, isn't happening, isn't existing for you. That's not a good feeling, and you don't deserve to stay in it because you are worthy of all the beauty, love, excitement, joy that your heart could possibly experience...and then some. You deserve it all and more.

You actually don't have to do anything to be worthy of love. You already completely are, right now, fully deserving of all the love you desire for yourself. Anyone who makes you feel or believe otherwise isn't aligned with that truth & isn't a good match. You shouldn't have to wait for them to realize it. They either see it or they don't. It doesn't make them a bad person; but it doesn't matter either way- YOU just need to see and believe it, and make choices that reflect that.

Letting someone go or your hopes with them doesn't mean you don't value the connection you had or any good things you appreciated about them; it just means take a realistic look at right now & make a choice that honors what's best for you. And don't kid yourself because some part of you wants it to work. Be kind to yourself and don't torture yourself with some possibility that keeps you investing in something that isn't guaranteed to happen, ya know? Feeding false hopes. You gotta take that misplaced desire and set it free to have a more open heart. It doesn't mean never; but what is watering your hope here? And is that something that exists now?

This is all about grounding yourself in the present reality.

It's okay to be patient with people, allow them to have their own journey and wish them the best in it and hope they grow; but don't entertain yourself with the possibility of them changing in the future to where you're holding on to that. Let them go. Set them free. Set yourself free! You should just accept the truth for what it is, it doesn't have to always be a big letdown. You just need to be honest.

If someone isn't capable of showing up in the way you want, isn't offering you what you desire, has gone from hot to cold, has simply let you down- stop placing your expectations and hopes in them. Stop looking to them. Let them be the person they are, let them exist how they are capable of being in this world and don't get some false hope they're going to change- don't hold a space for them in your heart or life because there's a chance in your mind one day they will rise to the potential you can see they have, and you want to reserve a piece of your heart for that because you still want that from them. You have to let go of looking to them completely, because in the present time they are not that person- that's just the facts, and false hope only hinders you from being free to open up to so much more available to you right now outside of that person you need to set yourself free of.

And honestly any good connection is just going to be two people showing up as who they are in this present time, taking responsibility for themselves and making true, honest, kind choices within that. The more you pile on the responsibility onto each other, the heavier the weight in your own chest. Let people be free and exist in their truth. Let them show up how they can, and just make choices that are honest, kind, true to you and them.

The thing is, holding on is kinda saying you wish them to be different for you- which isn't letting them to authentically exist or either of you to be free. Wouldn't you want the authentic version of someone anyways? And if you don't like that authentic version of them for you, then why are you playing yourself?

We often are afraid to let go of things we don't want to lose, but the truth is- did you ever really have it if that's not your experience? If they always had the potential but it was never your reality?

It's feeding yourself an imaginary illusion of a future you want, hoping they can fit into it someday- while living in the disappointment of how things are- that's how you create false hope. You ignore the truth to create a better one in your mind to cope. Stop closing your eyes to the truth and face it. Face it straight on. Let yourself really see. Let the truth stare back at you and speak what you've been avoiding because you want it to be different.

"The truth will set you free." You will be liberated the second you actually acknowledge it and are honest with yourself. The truth will liberate you from the things you've attached and chained yourself to, bonded to, linked yourself to- the truth is what gives you the power to take a hacksaw to that cord and cut it for good.

You can do it with any emotion you end up feeling because your heart has probably repressing a lot in order for you to feed yourself that fantasy you once believed, and once you lift the blinders and really see- you're gonna uncork your true feelings and they might explode out. If you were hurt, there will be anger. If you were betrayed, rage. If you were simply let down... disappointment and sadness. There may be a well of mixed emotions that can all be valid and true. Let them out. Acknowledge them. Love them.

And don't blame anyone. Just let emotions flow. Most of all, let them flow out of you. Cleanse and purge yourself of everything they made you feel, of every up and down. Then in the emptiness, fill yourself back up with love. Take responsibility for what you want to create and change for yourself and with your own self moving forward- release the rest. They are not your responsibility, and you can't change them; let them be responsible for their own self, you have enough to focus on with your own self anyways. You have healing to do. You have truths to rediscover. You have wholeness to create without them. You have so much love and goodness to open yourself up to now. You have hope to redirect and expand more freely than ever. You have a whole world to explore.

People will disappoint us, let us down, won't show up fully as we hoped they would. Just don't attach yourself to it. Let them be who they are and continue on creating your life and staying open to receiving all the goodness you want for yourself. It is possible. Stay open to all the endless possibilities open to you and receiving. You are loved. You are worthy of all the love. Keep loving yourself enough to not settle for less- because you deserve the fullness of every desire you have for yourself and you don't have to imagine it in your future- you can experience it in your present. Once you believe that, it's easy to let go of experiences that aren't that.

If not this, then better. Invest your hope honestly.

The Sweetness of Singleness

I remember wanting a friend. I remember late at night wishing I had strong arms to hold me. I remember writing him, not knowing who he was, or where- just because I wished I could talk to him. I remember longing for more. I remember feeling ready. But all those prayers never fell on deaf ears, and while I wanted to be impatient, I gave up all these things to Him. I spent some nights in tears, crying out, hoping He hadn’t forgotten me- but I let Him lead me to what He had in store. I had no idea it would unfold so wonderfully.

Sometimes, that desire for a companion can well up so intensely you almost feel miserable. It’s okay to desire something good so deeply. I did. Over and over, I had to turn that desire over to God and entrust Him with it. If you are single, please- do not despise your singleness. I know if you have the desire for more, it can be hard- but listen, singleness is such a special time.

Take it from a young woman who spent 25 years single, had one break-up, and married her best friend less than a month ago. I love being married; but coming back to where I spent most of my time single, I was reminded of the sweetness of that time. I wish I could speak to the girl I was and reassure her how beautifully God had everything planned out. But then, I realize- isn’t that what He whispered in those moments to me?

Yesterday, I took the familiar wide open road to visit the home I grew up in. My parents weren’t home, so I cleared the table and took my favorite spot in the kitchen. I spent so many mornings there –every morning there- with God, studying the Bible, alone with Him. Feelings rushed to me being there again.

You don’t get married and everything is good now- because we were created for more than another human heart can satisfy. We were created for an infinite God with infinite love for us!

If you think, being single, dating, or engaged that all your issues will just go away if you were just married already- know that the main purpose of marriage is to sanctify you.

Exactly the same thing God is doing when you are single. 

There is nothing to covet in being married as opposed to being single. Be content where God has you! It is good. It is meant to be enjoyed. Find your joy there, in Christ. Because if you can’t find your joy in Christ while being single, let me just confirm it will just as difficult when you are married. Let Him be your source of joy. Don’t make a relationship your goal. Make your heart resting in Him, closeness with Him, your desire.

Everything is good for our growth in God’s perfect timing. The wrong timing brings a different kind of growing- one that’s painful. Don’t seek something for the pleasure. Every other pleasure will fade away and not fully satisfy if you idolize it, no matter how desirable it may seem. There is no pleasure greater than knowing God. The safety of singleness or marriage, they’re both good. The delicate balance of what you pursue between is the hardest. In marriage, there is only a new level of relationship shared, one where the bond is greater. Because you are not just one, you are one with someone else. It’s not one plus one plus God equals three. It’s one plus one equals one plus God equals one. You all are striving for one. There’s nothing like that, relationally, until marriage. That’s the main difference between being single and being married and your relationship with God.

I love my husband. I love being married! I love loving God with my husband. I love being one with him, and seeking to have one heart with God together. There is so much beauty in growing together. There’s probably nothing more awesome than when you feel one. One mind, one spirit, one heart, one desire, one purpose, one physically. When you marry, you both are two different people and it takes work to become one- it’s not automatic. “One” doesn’t mean the same person, it more means in agreement, not separate or divided. I’m not going to be Kyle, he is his unique self. He is not going to be me, either- he can’t. But together, we balance and complement each other in a way that were one is weak, the other’s strength plays in. This is how we serve each other. This is how we work as one together. And it’s a beautiful picture of how God sustains both of us in loving each other- where we are weak, He is strong.

You don’t want to desire the right thing at the wrong time. You don’t want to be distracted with the wrong thing in the right time. You want to trust God’s timing and seek Him every step of the way. If you are demanding Him to bring what you want to you, chances are you not being patient with His timing. I know it’s hard, it was hard for me. Still, you can trust Him. If you have given up, chances are you are doubting His ability to fulfill that desire. Have hope. Leave that hope in His capable hands. He can do way better than your plans for yourself. I promise.

I’ve forgiven and healed from the times I’ve gotten hurt. I’ve learned from the times I suffered. The best advice I can pass on is always turn toward God. Never stop. If you have to, run to Him. He’ll catch you. He’ll embrace you. He’ll comfort you. If you need anything, Jesus is the one you need to look to. He always loves you, He cares for you, He’s going to be there. Also: never, ever believe the lies that come to you when you’re weak. Tell them to shut up, and shut them down immediately. Don’t even ponder them, don’t give them room. Reject them. Speak the truth instead. Repeat it and stand firm on it. Lies will destroy you from the inside out and mess with your perception. Don’t even let them in.

Marriage is vulnerability. Marriage is not stapled by being alone or keeping your heart hidden. It’s laid bare, swung wide open- and you not only entrust it to God, but also to the care of your spouse. That’s a wild adventure!

If you are single, enjoy the sweetness of that time. It can be sweet. Be alone with God. Grow. Learn contentment. If you are dating, don’t idolize that relationship and stay free in God’s will for you. If you are engaged, keep accountable and patient. God has good for you. He is the greatest love you will ever enjoy, so get lost in that and let Him care for you. He’s got you.

“God, Where Is My Husband?”

Sunday morning, seven rows back I sat. Pastor Alan Yung was hitting home.

“Are we acting like we’re entitled to God’s grace? Are you praying for a godly spouse and yet not putting in the work to be worthy to be a godly husband/wife? We are not entitled to ANYTHING.” Amen was escaping my lips as fast as the rush of conviction that followed. Yung continued on God’s grace: “To understand it, you must understand you do not deserve it.”

The thing about grace is it humbles you, and it is only seen clearly in the light of the gospel.

The only thing I ever deserved was death, the only reason I have been forgiven of the sin that brought that punishment was God made flesh coming to take my place. He died in my place, atoned as the perfect sacrifice and stood before God in heaven for my justification. It’s only because of His blood being shed and His advocacy for me that I am free. Not only are my sins no longer counted against me, but I am given an inheritance with Christ and have been made a son of God. I have been adopted as a daughter of the King, I am a co-heir with Christ. He tore the veil and now I have become His temple; He gave me His Spirit to reside in me. He made me a new person as I died to my old self and came alive in Christ. Everything I have is become of Him. All I am is because of Him. And it’s all by grace.

It’s more than I could ever ask for, yet here I am discouraged that I don’t have a love here on earth. When the greatest love of all has given me all things in Him, and it’s better than anything my soul will ever experience or know.

I live in an entitled generation, but we’ve slipped to not realize how that has poured over into Christianity. We need the gospel –to understand grace- to live satisfied in Christ. We need to understand all He has given us to remain humble and grateful.

It is received by grace and sustained by grace. And it is only a reflection of the greatest love story of all, of Christ and His bride- those He has chosen to love and redeem for His glory. His love is great. What He has done already is greater than all I could ever ask for.

Has God entitled me to a godly husband and marriage?

He has not.

He has promised me good in Him; He has made promises to me that I can put my faith in.

He has promised to always be with me.

He has promised me eternal life, that I have salvation in Christ- I will live forever with Him.

I know nothing can separate me from the love I have in Christ.

He has given me many promises that I can trust, that are good, that give Him glory. Maybe at times we twist His words to promise us things that we think we deserve because we are His, when really, everything from Him we receive is all grace. 

Where is my husband? I don’t have one. That is not something that is mine, but His. I have given Him everything, my whole life along with all I could have chosen for myself. I choose Him, I want Him more. I have received in my surrender more than I ever deserved. Anything He gives to me is soley His goodness.

If I do someday marry, it will only because God blessed me by grace with that gift; it’s not something I deserve. I don’t “get” it because I waited, because I trusted Him, because I didn’t have sex or read Ludy books. It would only be because of His goodness- which I am not deserving of, thus it has to be all grace. If He does give me a husband, I will give that gift back to Him continually in thankfulness. I will receive it for His glory. I am not waiting on a godly man to marry to come into my life, or asking God to give it to me. I need to know Jesus as enough, His love as more, and live in that daily. I am choosing to live in the grace God has given me and remember with gratefulness all I already have in Him. Nothing is going to satisfy me more than God my Savior.

All the goodness in my life is not because of my goodness, but His. That is why He receives all the glory.

Singleness of heart

A friend messaged me one morning and wrote,

Oh my heart.

It has been divided over what I want and trying to discern what the mysterious will of God is for me. I've been saying, "This is what I wanted, but I want what you want more." But my heart was still holding on to what I wanted even though my mind was telling me to trust God.

I prayed, "Teach me to gracefully let go of things not meant for me." And that has echoed in so many other hearts. How do we gracefully let go? Gracefully means with peace, a heart that can say 'it is well', love extended that may not be deserved, a cost of sacrifice to yourself that frees another. But first you have to be willing to open your hand and let it leave your grasp. I never wanted that relationship to end, so in my heart, I held on to my desire for it even knowing it was over. How do I accept what is not to be? You have to set free your desire for it. Otherwise that desire will keep competing with the intentions of your heart.

When you have singleness of heart, there is only one desire, and that is Christ. All others fade and fall away next to Him. They literally don't matter. Because you have chosen Him. Because He is worthy. Because His love is better.

My heart still had affection (care and love) for a man who has none for me, and I did not know what to do with that. I struggled so much. You know what is the answer? Having greater affection for Christ. Having singleness of heart for Him. Giving Him everything out of love for Him because He is the only one worthy.

It takes repentance. It’s cleaning house, moving everything out so He fills all the room. Love for Him takes up every inch. It’s all His- and He fills it with all His goodness.

Singleness of heart is not lonely, it's satisfying.

That morning, I felt a voice speaking to me, tearing down my doubts. Did you know God wants you to be with someone who cherishes you, who adores you, who will be affectionate to you, who will not be selfish but would be willing to lay down anything to protect and love you? Did you know God wants the right kind of man in your life? Did you know He was protecting you? Did you know that He hurts for you? Did you know He has been longing for you to come home to His heart? Did you know His heart breaks for you? Did you know He wants to heal you and make you whole? Did you know you are beautiful to Him and He desires you? Did you know He just wants to take you away from that pain to a safe place in Him?

My healing has come, my heart is free, I am being made whole. I wrote this a week ago and am just now sharing, because I wanted to just enjoy this new place with Him. I know healing is like layers: you get through one, and there's a deeper place He wants to restore and renew. It's sanctification. It's purifying out every place within me as He makes me holy, as the lies go and truth enters, as the cracks and chasms of brokenness are sealed as love floods in and fills me.

One last thing that God brought me back to was His faithfulness. I was single for 25 years before my first relationship. You know how I was able to be single for 25 years? Singleness of heart, and the grace of God. He came first. And that is how I will continue the rest of my life- loving Him, putting Him first, and giving Him all my heart. There is no real ‘cost’ when you realize in the depths of your heart: how worthy is He? He is completely worthy of all.