Hope & Honesty

We fall for people because there's some way they made us feel that we wanted to experience, and it was a good feeling.

Sometimes we aren't honest with ourselves though once we start investing hope in something...knowing that it isn't what it was. This is because we want it to still be what we originally believed, experienced, once had.

It's almost like that hope is all we have left of it.

So we hold on. And to hold on is to have hope, no matter how small a sliver. Holding on over time is investing in that hope.

The question is- why do you hold on to something and invest in it when it's not even what you originally wanted or experienced anymore?

Because it once was- so it could be again, right?

But it isn't. And that's a painful truth to face.

Just wanting things to be the way they were and entertaining dreams of how it could be distracts us from being actually free in the present.

The second that changes, or disappears- it's almost like you can gaslight yourself into believing it could change back again- or hinge on the possibility that someday in the future, we could experience it again. We feed ourselves a hope that isn't actually there because facing the reality is too painful to acknowledge. That it isn't that way now.

I romanticize the shit out of my desired experiences once I experience something that gives me hope, so I get it. I'm trying to save you the same self inflicted pain of hoping when the love you deserve isn't there. Your heart deserves to be free and open to everything you want for yourself- but stop looking to one person you had an experience or good feeling with when it's not that way now. Don't get caught up and invested in something that's literally only going to distract you from so much more that is available to you.

The mistake is to believe the only way to experience that feeling is with that particular person, and in turn, to attach your desire for it to them.

That's one of the things that keeps us stuck mentally on a person that we know -or realize over time- isn't right for us. Or maybe we see their potential to be the "right person" for us, but it's not the right time. Well, then they aren't the right person.

This is all about grounding yourself in the present reality.

There's a song lyric I really love & live by, from the band Household that says,

Live by that. Be honest, kind, true- with yourself and others.

It can be hard to accept that if you still want what you had with them on some level- because letting go means letting go of that, too.

It means letting go of the hope you want to hold on to for that fulfillment again.

But you don't have to give up hope, and you still can be fulfilled- probably sooner and better- if you simply let go of finding it in that person.

Make a list of the ways you felt, the experiences you had, the good feelings you still want (that can't happen with that person for whatever reason stands). Accept the facts: it's not coming from them right now, so it's not coming from them at all. Keeping it as a possibility in your mind is what keeps you hung up and stuck.

All you have is the present. Stop waiting on some "future fulfillment" you want to happen for you in someone who presently isn't capable of showing up in that way... when you deserve all that goodness now without them, regardless of them.

Then start creating it for yourself. And also opening up your heart to the many ways that feeling and experiences can come to you in your life- be open to receiving it, know you're 100% worthy of it, that it's possible, and that it will happen in the perfect timing as you trust and hope and keep believing it will. You'll set yourself free and open up your heart. You'll actually receive it.

Because what happens if you don't keep your hope fixed one person who used to fill your cup in some way and STOP looking to them is that you expand. Your heart opens up wider. You begin to actually receive; you begin to water yourself, nurture yourself, and let yourself be watered/receptive to many sources of nourishment and love. You blossom.

When you allow yourself to stay open and free apart from a specific person who can't offer that to you at this time, your big heart can actually experience all it desires.

If you stay in disappointment, loss, sadness, pain, grief- you'll feel the lack of what isn't there, isn't happening, isn't existing for you. That's not a good feeling, and you don't deserve to stay in it because you are worthy of all the beauty, love, excitement, joy that your heart could possibly experience...and then some. You deserve it all and more.

You actually don't have to do anything to be worthy of love. You already completely are, right now, fully deserving of all the love you desire for yourself. Anyone who makes you feel or believe otherwise isn't aligned with that truth & isn't a good match. You shouldn't have to wait for them to realize it. They either see it or they don't. It doesn't make them a bad person; but it doesn't matter either way- YOU just need to see and believe it, and make choices that reflect that.

Letting someone go or your hopes with them doesn't mean you don't value the connection you had or any good things you appreciated about them; it just means take a realistic look at right now & make a choice that honors what's best for you. And don't kid yourself because some part of you wants it to work. Be kind to yourself and don't torture yourself with some possibility that keeps you investing in something that isn't guaranteed to happen, ya know? Feeding false hopes. You gotta take that misplaced desire and set it free to have a more open heart. It doesn't mean never; but what is watering your hope here? And is that something that exists now?

This is all about grounding yourself in the present reality.

It's okay to be patient with people, allow them to have their own journey and wish them the best in it and hope they grow; but don't entertain yourself with the possibility of them changing in the future to where you're holding on to that. Let them go. Set them free. Set yourself free! You should just accept the truth for what it is, it doesn't have to always be a big letdown. You just need to be honest.

If someone isn't capable of showing up in the way you want, isn't offering you what you desire, has gone from hot to cold, has simply let you down- stop placing your expectations and hopes in them. Stop looking to them. Let them be the person they are, let them exist how they are capable of being in this world and don't get some false hope they're going to change- don't hold a space for them in your heart or life because there's a chance in your mind one day they will rise to the potential you can see they have, and you want to reserve a piece of your heart for that because you still want that from them. You have to let go of looking to them completely, because in the present time they are not that person- that's just the facts, and false hope only hinders you from being free to open up to so much more available to you right now outside of that person you need to set yourself free of.

And honestly any good connection is just going to be two people showing up as who they are in this present time, taking responsibility for themselves and making true, honest, kind choices within that. The more you pile on the responsibility onto each other, the heavier the weight in your own chest. Let people be free and exist in their truth. Let them show up how they can, and just make choices that are honest, kind, true to you and them.

The thing is, holding on is kinda saying you wish them to be different for you- which isn't letting them to authentically exist or either of you to be free. Wouldn't you want the authentic version of someone anyways? And if you don't like that authentic version of them for you, then why are you playing yourself?

We often are afraid to let go of things we don't want to lose, but the truth is- did you ever really have it if that's not your experience? If they always had the potential but it was never your reality?

It's feeding yourself an imaginary illusion of a future you want, hoping they can fit into it someday- while living in the disappointment of how things are- that's how you create false hope. You ignore the truth to create a better one in your mind to cope. Stop closing your eyes to the truth and face it. Face it straight on. Let yourself really see. Let the truth stare back at you and speak what you've been avoiding because you want it to be different.

"The truth will set you free." You will be liberated the second you actually acknowledge it and are honest with yourself. The truth will liberate you from the things you've attached and chained yourself to, bonded to, linked yourself to- the truth is what gives you the power to take a hacksaw to that cord and cut it for good.

You can do it with any emotion you end up feeling because your heart has probably repressing a lot in order for you to feed yourself that fantasy you once believed, and once you lift the blinders and really see- you're gonna uncork your true feelings and they might explode out. If you were hurt, there will be anger. If you were betrayed, rage. If you were simply let down... disappointment and sadness. There may be a well of mixed emotions that can all be valid and true. Let them out. Acknowledge them. Love them.

And don't blame anyone. Just let emotions flow. Most of all, let them flow out of you. Cleanse and purge yourself of everything they made you feel, of every up and down. Then in the emptiness, fill yourself back up with love. Take responsibility for what you want to create and change for yourself and with your own self moving forward- release the rest. They are not your responsibility, and you can't change them; let them be responsible for their own self, you have enough to focus on with your own self anyways. You have healing to do. You have truths to rediscover. You have wholeness to create without them. You have so much love and goodness to open yourself up to now. You have hope to redirect and expand more freely than ever. You have a whole world to explore.

People will disappoint us, let us down, won't show up fully as we hoped they would. Just don't attach yourself to it. Let them be who they are and continue on creating your life and staying open to receiving all the goodness you want for yourself. It is possible. Stay open to all the endless possibilities open to you and receiving. You are loved. You are worthy of all the love. Keep loving yourself enough to not settle for less- because you deserve the fullness of every desire you have for yourself and you don't have to imagine it in your future- you can experience it in your present. Once you believe that, it's easy to let go of experiences that aren't that.

If not this, then better. Invest your hope honestly.

This is an excellent Biblical perspective on when someone lets you down. I struggle more with when I let people down and disappoint them -even though I'd never want to and try my best not to, I will and I do- and reading this encouraged me. Because when I fail, it's not the end of the world like I feel it is. God is bigger than our disappointments, and He's greater than our failures.

Letdown.

I will let you down.

I will.

I won't intend to, I will hate that I did, but it will happen.

In relationships with other human beings, there is one thing I can always be sure of-

I am going to disappoint people.

I am going to fail them.

I am going to screw up miserably.

They may not be able to accept and love me unconditionally in response when I do.

They may not have mercy or grace in them to give me.

Do I carry the weight of that with me? Do I wallow in self-shaming and let myself sink down in guilt? Do I let myself be brought down in knowing I fall short?

I would constantly be beating myself up.

I cannot perform for people. I cannot meet every expectation; I will always end up letting people down at some point.

All this says about me is I am human.

I have flaws.

I am no less loved, no less valued, no less worth being in relationship just because I can't be perfect.

Part of relationships is learning how to make whole when things fall apart- no matter who's to blame, no matter what's the cause.

You acknowledge it, you do what you have to do to restore things between each other -sometimes, it will take a lot, sometimes, it will take very little- and you stick with it.

I may want to never fail anyone, but the point is, sometimes you do. How we get back up from that, how we move forward, is what determines how much you value that relationship.

Am I willing to give up my pride? Can I not only ask for forgiveness, but forgive myself too? Am I willing to face my fear? Am I willing to confront issues head on and deal with them?

People are worth it. Working through it is worth it.

Sometimes it's harder when you are dealing with the guilt of knowing you let the other person down. Sometimes it's hard when you are processing the pain of being letdown or hurt. It may never be very easy. Once in awhile it's simple and not hard to work out. But usually the first thing you do right after the failing happened is the hardest, but most important.

I'm still learning how to process when I disappoint or fail people. When you have to come face-to-face with your shortcoming, I think the first step is you have to give it up to God. You already know you screwed up, it's already happened, so let it go. You can't  let one (or many) mistakes speak a lie to you that you're not good enough for someone because of how much you fail. It's not about how good you are. It's about the fact you love each other 'as is', right now, regardless of what state you're in, or how good you're doing, or how bad you're failing. You love. It is not dependent on what the person does or does not do that you like or do not like. It's about truly loving them and trusting they'll love you too. If not, you still love them. Even when you suck at it yourself. You commit to loving them and not giving up just because you screwed up again.

After you've let it go and reminded yourself about how it's about loving each other, and commit to keep doing that no matter what, I think it's important to find rest in God. You already know you need grace and mercy to love and be loved. So to remember even after being or experiencing 'letdown', you can rest in His perfect love that is unchanging for you. His love is still there for you. Lastly, ask for God's peace and grace to walk forward 1) free from pleasing people, and 2) purposing to love not to their expectations, but from following Christ's example. When you follow His kind of love, it will lead you better than any other measure another person could hold up for you to meet. Because His love exceeds our ideas of what love is, of what relationship has to be.

I do not have to be perfect.

I just have to learn to be more like Jesus.