Do You Sleep Anymore?
Summary: Phil has insomnia and Dan has bruises on his knuckles.
Word Count: 4916
Warnings: booty sex, punching walls, cussing
Title: Sleep - Citizen
A/N: ok I am working on a SHIT TON of fics rn ok so this one just happened to be finished first, as I was working on this one (or at least the idea) for like a couple months. Sorry I haven’t been able to write as much lately, I’m a bit overstressed due to school, and I literally have a month of school left before I’m graduating and I’m trying very hard to keep above a B in all of my classes so I graduate with an Academic Honors diploma! i hope you guys understand <3 But I would like to dedicate this to both wanksclifford, for helping me out with my ideas for this and telling me this was a good idea, as well as whalefairyfandom12 for keeping my ego up and being an all around wonderful person <3 I love you both and I hope you like this story haha!
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There was a breeze wafting through Phil’s window that made him shiver, but he didn’t move to shut it despite the fact that his hands were quivering and his nose felt like ice. The joints of his fingers were sore from gripping the pen for hours on end, and his eyes were burning from the lack of sleep, but yet release refused to come. So he kept writing as if that would stop his thoughts enough to allow him to sink into darkness.
He was longing for it, the dreams, the darkness that came with sweet sleep, and yet it wouldn’t come. He was left with bruised eyes, pale skin, and mussed hair, receiving looks from strangers because he looked like an actual character from the Walking Dead, and that was apparently socially unacceptable.
Phil was exhausted and he didn’t know what to do.
But tonight was different. The words stop flowing and he still couldn’t shut his eyes even though the green numbers of his alarm showed that it was three twenty-eight in the morning. He was restless, a ghost among the living, and maybe he needed some air despite the open window because the walls were whispering through his ears.
With shaking fingers, Phil allowed the pen to drop onto the desk with a loud clatter, too loud at a time so early, and pushed his chair back to stand. He was out of his flat before he could change his mind, feet stumbling over the pavement as if he was drunk.
Although, a hangover would be a much better fate than one of never ending exhaust and black eyelids.
His feet took him to a nearby park, the street lights illuminating the sky to make the stars invisible, casting long shadows across the ground like black paint. Phil shivered at the eerie atmosphere, but sat upon one of the swings anyways, suddenly too tired to even walk back home.
Maybe he would even consider sleeping here if it weren’t for the fact that he may get stabbed. At least then he wouldn’t be so exhausted, though.
Phil had just started dozing off when the sound of a crunching leaf made him stiffen, head whipping towards the offending sound. He made eye contact with a tall figure who had froze in spot as soon as Phil moved, and Phil’s heart was pounding so hard he was sure the stranger could hear, and Oh God, he’s going to die.
But then he realized that the figure seemed just as frightened as he was, so he relaxed, if only just a tad. “It’s okay,” Phil said loudly, trying not to acknowledge how his voice cracked from disuse. “I won’t hurt you.”
“How do I know that?” The voice was considerably male, lilted and wavering a bit in a southern accent. The man took a step forward, under a streetlight so that Phil could see his mahogany hair and warm chocolate eyes, lip sucked nervously between his teeth.
With a jolt, Phil realized that this unnamed stranger was, indeed, extremely attractive. “What’s your name?” Phil asked, pushing his feet on the ground to make the swing move a bit. “I’m Phil.”
The man hesitated before saying, “Dan,” in a strained voice. Phil noticed that he was clenching one of his fists, the knuckled bruised and red. It reminded Phil of his own eyes. “Why are you in a park at three a.m.?”
Phil chuckled. “I could ask you the same thing.” There was a moment where it was completely silent, both men searching over the other to see if they were in danger. Dan was pretty and looked nearly as worn out as Phil, with knuckles the colour of anger and sadness. “Is your hand alright?” Phil finally asked, gesturing to the swing beside him as an invitation.
Dan settled next to him, still a bit suspicious, but at least more welcoming. “It’s fine,” he answered curtly, leaving Phil to wonder if there were demons residing inside of him as well. “So why are you at a park this early in the morning?”
Now it was Phil’s turn to hesitate, kicking the ground a few more times to draw out the silence. “Couldn’t sleep, I suppose.”
“Same,” Dan muttered, resting his hands in his lap and staring at the discoloration.
“It’s almost like you punched someone,” Phil mused. Dan didn’t answer, making Phil stop swinging to stare at him. “You didn’t, did you?”
“Not ‘someone,’” Dan replied bitterly, “but there are definitely some holes in my wall now.”
“My hands aren’t, though.” Dan was grinning, showing a small indent in his cheek that made Phil feel faint. He’d always had a thing for dimples. “Why can’t you sleep?”
Phil shrugged, searching Dan’s brown eyes for some sort of emotion, but coming up short. “Don’t know, really. Haven’t slept well in about a year now.”
Dan smirked at that, looking absolutely mischievous. “Oh?” He hummed. Phil didn’t understand what was so amusing. “Maybe I could help out with that.”
Cocking an eyebrow, Phil smirked and nudged Dan’s foot with his own. “Are you suggesting something?” Phil teased, although his heart was pounding in his chest because Dan was one of the most beautiful strangers he had ever seen.
“Yeah, I suppose,” Dan laughed, his eyes shining with stars and streetlights, and his smile could definitely put Jennifer Lawrence to shame. “I’ll take it as a challenge.” He leaned closely towards the black haired man, so close that Phil could feel the breath on his lips. He was so close that Phil could even see the swirls of gold in his irises, like some sort of inhuman creature. It was breathtaking. “May I help you sleep, Phil?”
Phil let out a very manly whimper, nodding his head furiously. He longed to feel Dan’s lips pressed against the contours of his body, skin against skin, breathing in the other.
He nearly wasn’t prepared when Dan lunged forward to hungrily attach their lips, and Phil didn’t mind that they had only met 30 minutes ago because Dan’s lips were fire and lightening and Phil was melting under his touch.
“I want to do naughty things to you,” Dan whispered as he bit harshly at Phil’s neck, making the older man growl in the back of his throat, tangling his hands into locks of brown hair.
“Please do,” Phil whispered before reconnecting their lips so he could get lost in the mystery of Dan. Phil’s house wasn’t far from the park, and he was thankful of that, crashing through the door with Dan hoisted in his arms, legs around Phil’s waist. He slammed Dan into the wall, grappling with Dan’s shirt to tear it off, pressing kisses to the tanned skin of Dan’s shoulders.
“Wait,” Dan said, pushing Phil back to look into his face, pupils blown wide. “Can I suck you?”
“Fuck,” Phil rasped, grinding into him slightly. “Fuck yes, of course.”
Dan grinned, the dimple making a home on his cheek before dropping down to his knees, making Phil inhale sharply. “So hot,” Phil moaned as Dan smirked up at him and undid his trousers. Phil didn’t even try to hide his moan as Dan disappeared between his thighs.
Phil woke up feeling more refreshed than he had in months, which is rather strange because a quick glance at the clock told him he’d only slept for three hours. Although, that was a lot of sleep for him, he supposed.
Dan was curled around him, spooning him with a hand rested on Phil’s bare hip, face buried into Phil’s black hair. Phil pondered for a moment, wondering if he should wake the man up before deciding against it and sliding out from Dan’s arms as smoothly as he could.
The brunette looked so gorgeous when he slept, curling into a ball when Phil wriggled away, mouth hanging open slightly, bare chest tanned and toned. Phil smiled and hoped that Dan didn’t want just a one night stand, because it would be a shame if Phil never got the chance to get to know someone so gorgeous.
He settled for making breakfast, deciding that he may as well be a nice host and feed the stranger in his bed after a long night of actions that would make Jesus ashamed. Obviously, this consisted of pancakes and orange juice that Phil hoped would win over the heart of his guest and show that Phil is actually not a serial killer.
Phil turned at the voice, grinning at the curls that seemed to have overtaken Dan’s hair, watching as a light blush rose to Dan’s cheeks. “Morning, Dan! You hungry?”
Dan nodded, looking a bit embarrassed. “Erm, yeah.” He trailed off, leaving Phil to look at him curiously. “Can I… talk to you though?”
“Of course.” Phil slid the finished pancakes onto two plates, handing one to Dan with a smile despite the fact that his stomach was clenching nervously. Here’s the part where Dan is going to tell Phil that he doesn’t want him, that he was only a one night stand to satiate his sexual frustration.
Dan took a deep breath, pushing his food around his plate with a fork. “Okay, I’m just gonna come out and say it,” another large inhalation of air, “I… I have a girlfriend.”
Phil choked on his food, coughing violently while trying to dislodge the opposing pancake with a swig of juice. Girlfriend? Out of all of the things Phil was expecting, having a girlfriend after giving Phil one of the best blow jobs in his life wasn’t even on the list. “Girlfriend?” Phil asked quietly, clearing his throat. His face was burning rather hotly. “You mean…?”
“I cheated on her, I guess,” Dan whispered and his voice was so quiet that Phil strained to hear him. “Look, I don’t know what I was thinking, okay? It’s just- my girlfriend and I are having issues and I don’t even like her, in all honesty, so when I saw some drop dead gorgeous guy in the park right after having a fight with her, I just jumped on my impulse and I am so sorry.”
“It’s fine,” Phil lied, pursing his lips. He wanted to be angry, fuming, but he only felt slightly hurt. “I figured this would be a one night stand, anyways.”
“No, no, no,” Dan objected, flailing his hands wildly in the air. If they were in a different situation, Phil might have even laughed. “I’d really like to get to know you. You seem really great and I honestly don’t think Melanie and I will last much longer, anyways.”
“Then why are you with her?”
Dan was silent for a long time, lip clasped between white teeth. His brown eyes looked everywhere except Phil’s face. “My parents really want me to have a wife and two kids and have a perfect family like them. What they don’t know is that I’d rather be kissing pretty boys with blue eyes and black hair.” He smirked smugly at Phil, making Phil blush as he remembered that same smirk as Dan sunk down to his knees in front of him.
Phil smirked back, trying to push away the hopeful feeling in his stomach. “Well, if you ever have more girlfriend problems, you know where to find me,” he flirted, ignoring the whisper in his mind that said he was aiding Dan in his cheating. Did he care?
“What, at a park at three a.m.?” Dan teased back, the dimple appearing in his cheek.
Two days later at one in the morning, Phil’s phone starts to ring, causing him to grumble under his breath because he was almost asleep and now it was ruined (Or at least that’s what he tries to convince himself of). “Hello?” His voice was heavy, tinged with sleep, almost like he had actually slept instead of just laying in the same spot for hours with his eyes wide open.
“Phil?” It’s Dan.“ Phil immediately perked up at the name, a ball of excitement erupting in his chest as he remembered Dan’s pretty lips and how they wrapped around Phil’s length in a way that made him whimper. “Sorry if I woke you, I just really want to punch something.”
Now Phil could hear the slight tremble in his voice, the labored breathing of anger and hysteria. “I’m always awake,” Phil responded automatically. The numbers of his clock were burning into his mind. 1:57 a.m. “Did you need to come over? If you need to hit something, I’ll even let you spank me.” He immediately cringed at the words, wondering if he was a bad person for pining after a taken man.
But Dan only laughed, high pitched and endearing. Phil’s chest was warm. “Is that a promise?” Dan teased, and Phil could imagine him winking.
“I don’t know,” Phil flirted back and it was weird how he didn’t feel guilty in the least. “Wanna find out?”
It was probably the quickest goodbye that Phil has ever said before Dan hung up, leaving Phil to groan in anticipation for what Dan had in store for him tonight. He hoisted himself out of bed, trying not to think about it too much otherwise he would be hard before Dan even got here.
He was a terrible fucking person for allowing Dan to cheat on his girlfriend with him, but Dan did say they wouldn’t last much longer, right? And then he could have Dan all to himself.
There was a light knock on the door then, and Phil opened it wide, greeting the brunette with a large smile. Not even a millisecond after the door had swung open, Phil was slammed against the wall, a pair of lips planted to his neck, biting and sucking marks into his pale skin.
“Hi,” Phil breathed, tangling his fingers into Dan’s hair so he could tug the man’s lips to his own, sighing at the feel of Dan’s tongue sliding against his own.
“Shut up,” Dan murmured, making Phil chuckle lightly.
“At least let me shut the door first.”
Dan didn’t let up though, continuing to run his hands over Phil’s shoulders and under his shirt while Phil kicked the door shut. Phil growled under his breath and harshly bit at Dan’s bottom lip, forcing the man to make a high pitched moan.
Soon, both of their shirts were discarded and Phil basked in the feeling of Dan’s bare chest against his, skin against skin. He let one hand grip Dan’s waist, pulling him closer, while the other gripped his hair tightly, making it easier to access his mouth.
“Spank me, Phil,” Dan moaned after Phil had pushed down both of their trousers, teasingly rubbing Dan’s hard cock through the thin fabric of his boxers.
“I thought you wanted to do the hitting,” Phil mused but brought his palm down harshly, emitting a loud slap to vibrate around the room.
Dan moaned loudly again, dropping his head backwards to grant Phil access to his neck, rutting their hips together in a way that made Phil breathless.
This time, Phil pulled down Dan’s boxers completely as to make the friction between his hand and Dan’s ass harder. He brought his hand down into another hard slap, relishing at the feeling of Dan’s pert butt in his palm.
Dan pulled away, lips wet and swollen and hair flying in every direction possible. “Wait,” he breathed, one hand reaching down to strip Phil of his boxers while the other began stroking his length gently. Phil paused, wondering if he wanted to stop. He hoped not, because Dan was like a drug and Phil was addicted. “I want you to fuck me.”
Phil groaned at the tone of his voice, all lust-filled and husky and his eyes half-lidded. The other night, they had only gone so far as blowjobs and a bit of messy kissing, so even the thought of Dan sprawled in front of him, all ready and waiting, nearly made Phil orgasm right then and there. “Are you sure?”
“Stop thinking so hard,” Dan whispered, rubbing his lips on Phil’s jawline so lightly that it made Phil shiver.
So he did, hoisting Dan so that his legs were around Phil’s waist, and his hands were squeezing Dan’s bum. Dan sucked on his neck, scraping teeth against skin until Phil reached his room, where he threw Dan onto the bed before climbing on top of him, loving how easily they fit together.
“You gonna fuck me, Phil?” Dan whimpered, staring up at him with lusted eyes, lips the colour of red cherries. He was so beautiful that Phil couldn’t help but groan and run his hands down his torso, flicking at a pert nipple on the way. Dan’s hard cock was resting deliberately on his stomach, already leaking precome and twitching.
“Gonna fuck you so hard,” Phil grunted, leaning over Dan and holding himself up on one hand while the other reached between them to start stroking Dan. He watched as Dan’s head tilted back, his lips opening into a soft sigh, and Phil fell in love just a little bit.
Phil rolled his eyes and snickered but reached for the cherry lube in his bedside table anyways. “So bossy,” he chuckled, pouring the goop on his fingers to try warming it up. “How much do you want it?” He teased, circling one finger over Dan’s pink rim.
Dan’s face was flushed, cheeks dusted with pink and face already slick with sweat. “So much, Phil. I want you in me so bad.”
“Good boy,” Phil purred, pressing his finger into the tight ring of muscles, Dan’s sudden gasp music to his ears. He was so, so tight, and Phil only had one finger in him. He almost voiced it aloud before realizing that, of course Dan would be tight - he had a girlfriend! Not exactly too much gay sex happening.
“Okay,” Dan breathed after Phil had stretched him up to three fingers, “I’m ready.”
Phil raised his eyebrows but didn’t question it, knowing just how stubborn Dan Howell was. Slicking himself up quickly, he began to press his tip into Dan’s entrance, groaning at the warmth and pressure as Dan swallowed every inch. He tried his hardest to keep his eyes opened, enjoying the view of Dan sprawled out in from of him, hair curling, legs spread wide.
“So fucking big, holy shit, Phil!” Dan gasped, scraping his nails down Phil’s back when he pulled out and began to thrust into him at a steady pace. Dan was panting and he felt so good that Phil buried his face into Dan’s neck, biting at his collar bone to stop himself from calling out.
Dan let out a long string of curse words, cluing Phil in on just where his prostate was. He aimed from that spot every time, slamming into Dan so hard that the bed started to squeak noisily. “I’m close,” Dan moaned, reaching in between their clashing bodies to start frantically stroking his cock.
“Come for me, Dan,” Phil whimpered, feeling his own orgasm building in the pit of his stomach. A moment later, Dan threw his head back and let out a high pitched moan, a string of white shooting onto both of their stomachs. Just the sight of his face, so blissed out, made Phil follow shortly, collapsing on top of him and burying his face into Dan’s hair.
“You’re so sweaty,” dan whined after a few minutes laying together, and Phil chuckled and reached on the floor to grab a dirty shirt to clean off the mess they made.
“You’re so whiny,” Phil teased back, brushing Dan’s curled fringe aside to press a kiss to his forehead.
Like this, he could even imagine they were actually together.
It had been a month since Dan and Phil had begun to see each other in secret. A month since Phil had started falling in love with the perfect brunette with the chestnut eyes and large dimple. And even though it’s been a month, Dan is still going steady with his girlfriend - Melanie - who Phil even had the absolute pleasure of meeting one day at Tesco.
She was pretty, with blue eyes and short blonde hair and a wide grin with white teeth. She and Dan had been holding hands at the time, and Dan looked in pain when he had seen Phil zero in on their clasped hands. He had tried convincing himself that it was okay, that Dan didn’t love her if he was screwing Phil behind her back.
But the fact of the matter is that it did hurt, and that night was spent taking his frustration out by angrily fucking Dan against the kitchen counter at 2 a.m.
Phil hoped Dan thought of him when he had sex with her.
His little sleep problem had also gotten considerably worse over the past month, but the bruises on Dan’s knuckles slowly started to disappear until there were just scars of memories, scattered against smooth skin. He tried to tell himself that Dan may love him too, but then Phil would remember the way their hands were clasped tightly and how Dan had been smiling widely at Melanie before they had seen Phil, so large that his dimple showed, and then Phil wasn’t so sure anymore.
So he told him one day, staring at the ceiling with a head of curly brown hair nuzzled against his naked chest. Their breaths were in sync, a beautiful symphony that showed hey were now just one being instead of two separate lives intertwined.
“I love you, Dan,” His words were quiet, a breath of hope in the silence.
Dan lifted his head from Phil’s chest, smiling at him sleepily and pecking his lips softly. “I love you too, Phil.”
Phil cleared his throat to dislodge the sleep that settled into his voice, one hand cupped over Dan’s cheek, the thumb running through the indent there. “It’s been a month,” he whispered, trying to hide the anxiety in his chest. “And you’re still with Melanie. I want you all to myself.”
“I know, I want you to myself too.”
“No, Dan,” Phil said, voice quivering. He kept his gaze locked onto Dan’s brown eyes, trying to ingrain the image into his mind. “I can’t keep doing this with you. Every time we sleep together, I keep falling deeper in love with you and it hurts. It hurts knowing that in the morning, you’ll go back to her.”
“You want to stop seeing me?” Dan’s eyes were brimmed with crystal tears and his voice wavered and Phil almost took back what he said before he remembered a pair of clasped hands.
“Not completely. I still want to be friends. But I emotionally can’t handle this.” He gestured to their entwined bodies, where naked skin tangled with naked skin. “I love you so much, Dan, but I’m also very selfish.”
Dan’s lip quivered, matching Phil’s own, and he buried his head into Phil’s chest, the wetness leaking onto Phil’s skin. Phil held him close, running a soothing hand down Dan’s back, and whispered soothing words into curly hair.
But he didn’t understand why it was so hard to leave a woman if you never loved her.
The words were rattling through Phil’s skull, haunting him as soon as they were uttered, ghosts crawling through his ears and into his brain. And there was Dan, standing in his door with perfectly straightened hair and a nice white dress shirt with black skinny jeans. In broad daylight.
After seeing Dan only in darkness, the sun made him look too pale but made his eyes shine a wonderful mahogany colour. But he was still as gorgeous as ever even in the light of day.
“Is everything okay?” The door shut hard behind Dan, rattling the door frame and the vase that sat on a nearby sill, threatening to fall.
Dan’s eyes were wide, verging on hysterical, and Phil couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that something bad was about to happen. “I need to talk to you,” he repeated, backing Phil up against the wall.
Phil’s heart was pounding hard in his chest at the close proximity. It had been two weeks since Phil had last held Dan romantically, and he wanted nothing more than to crush his lips to Dan’s. “What are you-?”
His words were cut off by Dan’s soft lips pressing to his own, familiar and tasting of coffee. “Please,” Dan begged when Phil pushed him away. “Just this one time. I need you, Phil.”
And Phil gave in, just like old times. He kissed Dan furiously, pouring all of his frustration into it, hoping that Dan might have realized he would rather be with Phil than some blonde woman. He lost himself in the feeling of Dan’s bare skin, worshiping his inner thighs and all of the other more intimate places that made up Dan Howell.
When they were finished, Phil was grinning, but as soon as he saw the tears running down Dan’s face, the awful feeling of being on the edge of a cliff returned. “Dan?”
The sound of his name made Dan burst into loud sobs, the kind of sobs that crinkled his face and jerked his whole body. “i’m sorry,” Dan wailed, curling into himself. “I’m so sorry, Phil.”
“It’s okay, Dan,” Phil soothed although he didn’t know if it really was or not. “Can you please tell me what’s wrong?”
“It’s going to be alright, I promise.”
Dan looked up at him, eyes bright red and rather swollen, but Phil still thought that he was the most gorgeous human he’d ever seen. “I’m- I’m engaged.”
And just like that, Phil could feel all of the breath leave his life. All hope he had for a future with Dan, for any type of romantic relationship with Dan, was suddenly trampled into the cold ground. And he didn’t even warn Phil until…
“You used me,” Phil whispered, realization swimming in his head. He felt like he was going to pass out, the heartbreak and lack of sleep suddenly catching up with him. “You got engaged and you were scared you would lose me because of it so you came here, installed hope into me, and had sex with me. Only to break my heart right after I thought I had you.”
“I think you need to leave,” Phil cut him off quietly, untangling himself from Dan’s limbs. He could already feel his fingers shaking and felt like he was going to throw up, covering his mouth with one hand so he wouldn’t do just that. He couldn’t look at Dan, gathering his clothes instead to distract himself from his quivering lip and cracked heart.
“Phil!” Dan’s voice was definitely hysterical now, but Phil could barely hear him over the roaring of his own ears.
“Get. Out.” Phil threatened with gritted teeth, finally meeting Dan’s gaze with a menacing glare despite the fact that he just wanted to curl in a ball for the rest of eternity. “Or I swear to god I will tell your fiance,” he spat the word, "that you let me fuck you right after you proposed.“
Loud sobs racking his body, Dan gathered his clothes and walked out of Phil’s bedroom. A few moments later, Phil heart a loud crack, and knew that Dan had undoubtedly punched a hole in the wall.
Three months later, Phil received a wedding invitation that he left to rot, and he didn’t really feel anything at all.
Phil rubbed his eyes tiredly as he emerged into the blinding sun after a day long meeting with the manager at the journalism company in which he worked at. Although he slept a full eight hours last night, the stress of the meeting had worn him out to the point where he had been hiding yawns the entire time.
But as soon as he stepped out of the building, a body collided with his and he stumbled back, surprised.
"Sorry!” The culprit squeaked, and Phil chuckled at the little boy who had run into him. Wild brunette hair, wide brown eyes. He looked to be about four years old, so Phil couldn’t exactly be mad at him.
“That’s alright,” Phil laughed, ruffling the boy’s hair. He was about to ask where his mum was before a voice interrupted his thought process.
Phil blinked, turning in the direction that the boy - Winnie - had started running to, yelling ‘daddy!’ with wide arms. The boy’s father looked exactly like his son, with warm brown eyes and cinnamon hair that was swept back into a perfectly straightened quiff. There was a large dimple caved in his cheek that gave Phil a strange feeling of nostalgia.
But where had he seen a dimple like that before?
Only when the man’s eyebrows raised in surprise did Phil realize that he was staring, face heating up under the chocolate gaze. “Sorry,” Phil stuttered, turning away. He sort of just wanted to curl under his covers and sleep forever.
And then, as he took a step away from the father and his son, Phil’s memory came to life just as a hand appeared on his shoulder, scars littering the knuckles with stories that would never be shared.
