Bury Your Flame (3/3)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck. Word Count: 17,366 / 45k Warnings: Blood/gore, angst, threats, major injury A/N: Chapter warnings include violence, blood, mentions of throwing up, amputation, and ableism. Ahhh it's finally done!!! At long last! I can't believe it! I've been working on this fic since last June so it feels a bit unreal! Thank you so much for your patience in getting the last chapter up, I had a few things come up that were unexpected so I wasn't able to get it up as soon as I would have liked. I'm just glad I was able to upload it at all! Thank you so much to @dandelionisonfire for your endless support and betaing. I could not have done this without you! I hope you guys liked this fic as much as I did.

part one | part two

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The trek to Dan’s house was a rather long one, both because they didn’t have Dan with them, and also because they were traveling by foot instead of horse and carriage. There wasn’t much talk between them, mostly because Phil was trapped in his own head, worrying about things that he couldn’t change and wondering if he would truly be able to change his father’s mind.

When they arrived at Dan’s hut, his attention was immediately brought to the dragons grazing in the garden, followed by castle guards ransacking the entire place. Looking through his belongings, tearing apart his furniture, searching for anything that would peg Dan as guilty. Ducking behind a tree to watch, Phil could tell by the way that they were yelling at each other from across the yard that they were getting frustrated.

If they had thought they’d find something, they were truly imbeciles. Even if Dan were the culprit, he wouldn’t hide his things in such plain sight.

Phil turned to Lennyx, staying low and locking eyes with her. “I’m going to try to get the attention of Dryas,” he whispered. “We can’t let them know we’re here or I might get in a fight with the guards.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it came out flat.

Bury Your Flame (2/3)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck. Word Count: 14,412 / 45k Warnings: Blood/gore, angst, threats, major injury A/N:Thank you so much to @dandelionisonfire for betaing this for me again! I’ll try to get the next part out shortly, but it may take longer than two days because I’m going out of town this weekend. We’ll see though! Thanks for reading, I love you all!

Part One

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Part Two

Phil had gone over to Dan’s hut early in the morning, and they were currently taking a break. They’d hiked further up the mountain so the air was slightly thinner and they were sitting on a steep ledge, looking out at the tiny appearance of Lilium. Phil could see his own home from there, the very home that he had grown up in and had even gotten lost inside seeming so small that he could simply crush it in his palm.

While Phil was sitting farther away from the ledge, trying rather hard not to die, Dan had decided to sit on the actual ledge, feet dangling over in a way that made Phil fear that he was going to fall. Dan was humming a song, even kicking his feet as he played with Ophelia. It was giving Phil a nasty feeling in his chest, something akin to fear, because if Dan fell over the edge then he would be falling to his death.

If it were up to Phil, he would get up and move Dan himself, but sadly he was immobile at the moment. If he were to move, then he would dislodge Atlas, who had curled up into a ball on his lap. That was simply just disgraceful and not something that was possible at the moment. So instead, he called out to Dan, a frown on his face. “Tamer,” he demanded, trying to keep his voice as emotionless as possible. It would be weak to show his worry. “Come sit against the wall with me.”

Bury Your Flame (1/3)

Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck. Word Count: 14,320 / 45k Warnings: Blood/gore, angst, threats, major injury A/N: At long last, I'm finally uploading the first part of my dragon tamer au! This fic will be approximately 45k words and will include some violent scenes and angst. But it's also just really fun at the same time! Thank you so much to @dandelionisonfire for betaing this for me and for helping me out with this story. You're the best and i couldn't ask for a better person to look at this fic. This fic is basically my baby after I've been working on it since last June, but hadn't been able to finish it until I had finished Sweet Pea! And now it's going up! I'm emotional lol. Thanks for reading i love you all and the next part will be up in a few days xoxo

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Two days after Phil’s grandfather had passed away, a loud knock resounded on Phil’s bedchamber door. He didn’t have the chance to grant access to the visitor before his door was opening, revealing his father.

“Philip,” the King said solemnly, and Phil sat up curiously on his bed, giving him a confused glance. His father, dressed in his usual elegant attire, had an odd looking box cradled in his arms. It looked like a small chest, with stained purple wood and sparkling golden plates to protect it from harm. It wasn’t too large, yet big enough that it obviously held something inside of it. Perhaps gold or jewels?

“Father,” Phil replied, trying his hardest to sound respectful. He stood from his bed, bowing his head. “To what do I owe you this pleasant surprise?”

The King took his time making his way over to Phil, gesturing his son to sit back on the bed. Still holding the box to his chest, they sat in a comfortable silence until his father finally broke it. “Before your grandfather passed, he confided in me that he wanted you to take care of this.” He handed the box to Phil, who took it in his hands gingerly. It wasn’t as heavy as he’d imagined it would be, but it was heavy enough for him to be aware that there was definitely something inside. “A letter is inside detailing what it is, exactly, but it was very important to your grandfather that you have this. He told me that he wanted you to keep his legacy alive by doing this favour for him. Do you think you can handle that?”

Phil glanced down at the box quizzically. He couldn’t very much tell what it was just by the outside, but the depth to his father’s tone made his stomach clench with nerves. “But what is it, father?” he asked quietly, running his hands down the sides of the chest. There was a lock keeping it shut but he didn’t have the key.

Sweet Pea (34/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Guys! Holy crap! This is... this is IT. It's the END. How can this be?! For an entire year, I've been writing this fic (since april!) and now it's done! First of all, I would like to thank irl Nico for making this possible and creating my greatest work yet, and also to my mom for birthing me. I'd like to thank you guys, my lovely followers, for reading and sparing your time for this fic. Yall are amazing and I couldn't ask for better people to read my fic. I've made a playlist with all of the songs from this fic, which can be found here. If you guys have any questions to do with the fic and true events, head over to my ask box and ask away! I love you all so much and thank you for everything :') I'm crying now hahaha. The song at the beginning of this is called Lucky by Aurora!

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Epilogue

What lies behind makes no sense in my mind but I know that it's time to let go. And I feel the light for the very first time; Not anybody knows that I am lucky to be alive.

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Phil used to think that the opposite of love was hate. That’s what everyone had told him ever since he’d been brought into the world, after all. If you hated someone, you didn’t love them. If you loved someone, you didn’t hate them. They were complete opposites and could never cross over into one another.

He didn’t believe in that saying anymore.

Throughout his time with Nico, Phil had gone through many emotions. He had been in love, he’d been afraid, sad, angry, jealous. For a long time, he was stuck between despising Nico and loving him, the two emotions coexisting alongside each other in a way that everyone had thought was impossible. Because how could you hate someone that you loved? Didn’t that defeat the purpose of loving them because they were both on different sides of the spectrum?

That’s why, about two years after Phil had finally said goodbye to Nico, he made the decision that love and hate weren’t very different after all.

Sweet Pea (33/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye

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Chapter Thirty-Three

Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.

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University starts before Phil is truly ready for it.

One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad.

The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even never went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him.

Sweet Pea (32/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Hey guys! Back at it again with another edition to SP 8) I've thankfully finished my midterms without dying, which is great news! Now I'm going to my parents' house, which is ironic considering the theme of today's chapter! Thank you for reading this fic and leaving such amazing comments. I love you all so much! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song I Found by Amber Run!

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Chapter Thirty-Two

I found love where it wasn't supposed to be: right in front of me.

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When Phil thought about meeting Dan’s parents, this hadn’t exactly been what he had in mind. He’d assumed that maybe they would have prior arrangements where Dan would lead Phil into a restaurant or something and introduce Phil as his parents sat smiling at the table. Maybe Dan’s parents would have to stand up to shake Phil’s hand and Phil would smile gleefully at them as he introduced himself. After that, they would have a nice dinner and Dan would cast little proud glances over at Phil as Phil chatted up Dan’s parents, effectively wooing them.

It did not go like that. Not at all.

No, instead, Phil had been in the shower when Dan’s parents randomly showed up at their flat. When Dan had knocked on the bathroom door before slowly cracking it open. The steam from the shower immediately began to leak out from the opening and Phil shivered as a breeze of cool air hit his skin.

“Close the door and join me!” Phil whined, poking his head out from the shower curtain. He pouted at Dan, his hair dripping into his eyes, and the sight made Dan laugh. He watched with bright eyes as Dan quietly shut the door behind him, which was strange because normally he would have just left it open or allowed it to slam shut. But he did neither, seeming to brace the door shutting with his fingertips.

Sweet Pea (30/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Thank you so much to everybody who leaves comments and stuff! It really makes my day :D finally the fluff you've been waiting for hehehe. The song at the beginning is called A Lovely Mess by Front Porch Step!

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Chapter Thirty

I’m not those men that made you cry, and I promise I will spend my life just trying to make you feel alive. ‘Cause you are broken and I am such a wreck. I swear I’ll love you til dead.

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Phil’s eyes fluttered open to the sight of sunshine leaking in through his closed eyelids. His cheek hurt and he could tell that his eyes were swollen, his arm asleep from where he was lying on it, and it was then that he realised that he was on the floor. How he went from the bed to the floor was beside him, but he didn’t question it and instead focused on the complete and utter embarrassment that coursed through his body as he remembered exactly what had happened yesterday.

He’d tried to get Dan to kiss him and Dan had flat out rejected him. Which is fine, honestly, Phil didn’t expect Dan to return his feelings just because he was there for Phil when nobody else was. Phil wasn’t entitled to him, didn’t have dibs on him, but it still hurt. It hurt because Phil’s feelings were real. He wanted to kiss Dan. He wanted to hold his hands and cuddle him and push his fingers through Dan’s hair.

He wanted to give Dan his entire heart and tell him just how much he meant to him.

Except he couldn’t, because Dan didn’t want that. Phil would much rather have Dan in his life as a friend than to lose him forever, but his chest still felt empty and his limbs were tired and his heart was tired, and maybe he should just go back to sleep.

Sweet Pea (29/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Warnings for this chapter are angsty things! The lyrics at the beginning are from the song All Them Changes by Thundercats! Thank you everyone who reads this fic i love you all very dearly!

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Chapter Twenty-Nine

Nobody move, there's blood on the floor and I can't find my heart. Where did it go? Did I leave it in the cold? So please give it back, 'cause it's not yours to take.

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Phil had been thinking a lot about Dan.

He’d been thinking about his damn feelings and what that meant for him. He’d been thinking about if he’d want to be with Dan, the way that he’d been with Nico. Would he like to kiss Dan’s pretty pink lips until they turned a bright shade of red? Would he want to run his hands all over Dan’s body and see if his skin was as soft as it looked? Would he like to take Dan to bed and ruin him in more ways than one?

It was hard and it shouldn’t be. Things like this, feelings, shouldn’t be this difficult. And yet Phil was torturing himself, gnawing at his lips until they turned red and raw, because he was a rubber band who’s elastic was worn thin, nearly about to snap. One side of him was screaming yes, God he wanted to kiss Dan and hold his hand and call him his, but on the other hand, he was torn and beaten and absolutely terrified of breaking the person who meant the most to him.

Sweet Pea (28/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N:  Hallo I'm uploading early because I'm going to chicago and won't have time to upload on saturday! so surprise update! The lyrics at the top are from Deep Sea Diver by Darwin Deez (rly recommend listening to this song as you read!) . Thank you, @snowbunnylester, for editing for me (:

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Chapter Twenty-Eight

You and I are sitting on the ocean floor. You were tired of swimming and you're so bored. Little yellow fish float past your sullen face. Shouldn't you smile once in a while?

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After Phil’s conversation with Dan, he felt a lot more confident about his decision to go back to school. It was going to be rough, that was definitely for sure, but there was no longer that unsettling feeling of dread sitting in the pit of Phil’s stomach at all hours of the day.

Of course, Phil was definitely worried. He worried a lot. He worried about going back to school and getting in the swing of things. He worried about his friends and making friends in his classes. He worried about the course load and if he could handle the homework on top of his shitty mental health.

He worried about Nico.

Nico was the one thing that Phil was the most concerned about, and he didn’t think that would go away any time soon. There was a looming fear inside of him that screamed in his face, spiting him, telling him that as soon as he stepped outside of the flat, Nico was going to appear and make things worse for Phil again. He was going to control Phil’s life, tell him that he was a whore, that he couldn’t believe how quickly Phil had gotten over him. Despite the fact that Phil wasn’t over Nico and didn’t think he ever would be.

Sweet Pea (27/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Kind of a short chapter, but that's alright. I think it's important! I'm excited about the next few chapters ahhh. Chapter 28 MAY come out a little bit early? Not positive? Because I'm going to chicago this next weekend, but it depends on if i have internet connection or not. If I have internet connection then i'm gonna upload it on saturday as usual! Thanks for @snowbunnylester for editing for me. The lyrics at the beginning are from The Fire by Tonight Alive.

ALSO, thank you SO MUCH to everybody who voted for this fic in the phanfic awards. I am super proud to announce that this fic won many awards! Sweet Pea was officially voted first place Best of the Best fic, Best Angst, and Best Chaptered, and second place in the Edge of the Seat Award, and Slow Burn, for the phanfic awards 2017! I appreciate and love all of you and i'm gonna cry wtf!

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Chapter Twenty-Seven

But I made it out alive. I’m here to say I breathe; at least I try. I won’t go without a fight. You can’t stop me.

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Phil has been doing a lot of thinking.

Truth was, he was bored. He was bored of life. His life had become an endless cycle of the same things over and over again; get up, go to work, get back home, clean the house, make dinner, play video games, talk to Dan, go to sleep. Over and over and over again. There was nothing for him to be excited about, nothing that made the wheels in his head turn to make him think, nothing to expand his knowledge about subjects that he cared about.

He missed school. He missed his friends. He missed going out. He missed how he would go to school and giggle in the middle of lectures because his friend had decided to make a lame sex joke under their breath. He missed going to the dining halls on campus and watching the people walk past as he ate a sad enchilada. He missed how he had to stay up late to finish essays because he’d procrastinated way too much. Okay well, maybe he didn’t miss that part, but he missed the other stuff and it almost made him long for that as well.

He was trapped in an endless cycle of boredom and he didn’t really know what to do about it.

Sweet Pea (26/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was  nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you’d like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars

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Chapter Twenty-Six

No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives I live I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames.

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There was something on Phil’s mind and he couldn’t seem to get it to go away, no matter how hard he tried.

Recently, Phil had been feeling a bit strange around Dan. Not necessarily a bad strange. But he didn’t really know if it was a good strange either. He thought it was fine most of the time, almost as though nothing was amiss, but then suddenly, Dan would say something and Phil’s entire body would feel hot all over, almost like he was going to faint. His chest would feel like it was going to collapse in on itself, and Phil would often obsess over the words that Dan had said all throughout the day.

Normally the words were just small comments, ones that weren’t unusual for Dan. Phil would sputter when Dan told him that he looked nice. He would inhale sharply as Dan told him how he had fun with Phil. Fuck, sometimes Dan didn’t even have to say anything, would just smile brightly, and Phil’s lungs would suddenly give up on him.

Sweet Pea (25/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: This chapter has a slight panic attack in it. Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was  nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you'd like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers!

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Chapter Twenty-Five

Pour my life into a paper cup; the ashtray's full and I'm spilling my guts. She wants to know am I still a slut? I've got to take it on the other side.

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“Come on, we’re going out.”

Phil glanced up from his laptop, giving Dan an alarmed stare. Dan was standing by the couch with his winter jacket on and a soft smile on his face. Instead of the pyjamas that he’d been wearing all afternoon, he’d finally put on some black jeans with rips in them and a long plaid shirt that was poking out from the bottom of his jacket. His dimples were caved in and the warmth in his eyes made Phil’s chest cave in a little bit too, despite his apprehension. “Out? Out where?”

“Outside,” Dan answered sarcastically, putting his hands on his waist. He gave Phil an expectant stare. “Go put some trousers on or I’m dragging you out in your disgusting emoji pyjamas for the world to shame you.”

Phil pouted but he put his laptop to the side anyways, standing up and whining all the while. “You are the worst friend,” Phil told Dan, pointing at him accusingly as he backed his way into his room.

Sweet Pea (24/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Hi friends! I am SO SORRY for not updating last week! A lot of you guys are following my tumblr so you were aware I wouldn't be updating, but i'm sorry to those of you who didn't know! Basically I went to my mom's house and her internet wasn't working so I wasn't able to upload. Anyways, I hope you all had a good holiday and a good new year! This fic was also nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best)!!!! You have NO IDEA how much this means to me. If you want to vote for this fic, I believe voting opens up in a week! Anyways, have fun reading this chapter! Thanks to @snowbunnylester for betaing this for me and the lyrics at the beginning are from the song Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive (:

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Chapter Twenty-Four

Lonely girl it looks like you are out of luck. Tell me how it feels to watch your friends give up. I was on your side, I stood by you. So go ahead and cry it's just like you.

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It had been a few weeks since Phil had started to go to therapy. and he had grown a bit more accustomed to talking to a professional about what he was feeling. He liked that he could be open about literally anything, whether he was talking about what he had for breakfast that morning or how his body image was so ruined from Nico that he could barely look in the mirror anymore without feeling like he was an entirely different person.

Nate always had helpful handouts to give him, things about changing his behaviors and ways of thinking. He had handouts about how to handle panic attacks, how he shouldn’t fight against them but just accept that they were happening, that he should focus on breathing so he didn’t hyperventilate.

Nate didn’t mention anything about Phil being diagnosed with a disorder. He hinted at certain things, of course, gave Phil information about panic attacks and anxiety, but then he handed Phil a paper about how to deal with post traumatic stress disorder and how it didn’t have to be something only a soldier experienced, and Phil felt his heart stop.

Sweet Pea (23/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: the lyrics at the beginning are  from Everything Went Numb by Streetlight Manifesto. Thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me as usual. And thank you to all of you who are still sticking with this story! I love each and every one of you!

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Chapter Twenty-Three

Himself ain't a lot when he's got nothing left of what was once a man, loved and loving.

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As it turned out, the act of going to therapy was much harder than just the thought of it.

Firstly, there was the fact that healthcare was free, which was a great and wonderful thing, but if he wanted to get therapy, he’d have to wait six months to be able to even get an appointment. That was six whole months of Phil feeling like he was empty inside and not being able to function like a regular human would, six months of random crying spells and nightmares and taking out his frustrations on Dan. He definitely didn’t want to do that.

So the second option was to call his mum for financial help to see if she could help him pay for therapy to get an earlier appointment. He didn’t really want to do that either, but it was either that or a six month wait, and after weighing his options and having about five panic attacks, Phil picked up the phone and called his mother.

Her voice was cheery when she answered, and it made him feel slightly nostalgic. He missed her and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been neglecting her slightly, but he was just super depressed and not really okay, and talking to his mum when he was on the verge of a breakdown 24/7 wasn’t really on his list of top things to do.

Sweet Pea (22/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: warnings for PTSD and angst. the lyrics at the beginning are I Get Overwhelmed by Dark Rooms. I’m currently obsessed with this song and the movie I heard it in. If y’all wanna watch the best movie of 2017, watch A Ghost Story bc it wrecked me. I just finished my finals and now i’m slightly less stressed (? maybe??) and i’m also on my final year of college! i am scared. Thanks to snowbunnylester for editing this for me as usual.

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Chapter Twenty-Two

I get overwhelmed; Can’t sleep at night, can’t convince myself to turn it off, to let go. Gotta make sense of the fucking war.

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Phil wasn’t really sure how it happened.

One day, seemingly all at once, he woke up and it seemed as though Dan had decided to move into his flat with him. There were hair straighteners in his bathroom, a toothbrush in his cup holder, extra shampoo and body wash in his shower, and even another shaver that Phil didn’t remember buying.

Upon opening one of his drawers, Phil found that his drawer wasn’t even his drawer at all anymore, because it was filled with Dan’s jumpers, shirts, and pyjamas. There were even boxers in there, and Phil couldn’t help but smile at the sight. Hell, he’d even gained an extra ten towels or so, which he didn’t mind. If Phil had a kink, it was definitely buying hand towels.

Dan moving in didn’t bother Phil much. In fact, he rather liked it. He’d lived alone for the majority of his university career after the disaster that his first roommate had been. He still shivered whenever he thought about how his roommate had peed all over the floor one very drunk night. After that, he’d opted out of roommates unless he was absolutely sure that he would like living with someone else.

Sweet Pea (21/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N:  Firstly, sorry if I haven't responded to your asks yet ): It's hell week at my uni so it's the last week before finals and i am DYING basically. i've been so busy that i haven't been able to breathe! But I love you all so much and i read every single comment! They give me life! This chapter includes warnings for a panic attack and mentions of rough sexual activities. Things are looking up soon! thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Bury Your Flame by La Dispute!

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Chapter Twenty-One

You came back and you brought floods, wearing a necklace made of hearts that you'd dragged through the mud. And I guess I wasn't quite sure what to say to you, but then I saw mine, almost reached out to grab it, said, “darling, you're the only one on earth I want to have it” but now I'm not so sure that was true after the hell you put it through.

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Phil broke up with Jace three days later.

He tried to make the relationship work, he really did, but the guilt was too strong, never leaving Phil, the knowledge that he’d slept with someone else while dating someone as amazing and undeserving as Jace. Every time they kissed, Phil felt his heart crack just a little bit more until it felt like he was actually going to split in half.

So he ended it. He sat Jace down, told him that Phil had gone through a lot of shit, and that he needed time to heal. When Jace questioned him, Phil told him with a straight face that he had thought he was ready for a relationship, only to realise that he wasn’t ready at all.

“Then why did you let this go on for so long?” Jace asked through tears, and Phil knew that he should feel bad for making Jace cry, but he didn’t. He was numb, he was a robot, he was no longer humane, and it was about time that he understood that.

Sweet Pea (20/34)

Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: This chapter includes warnings for anxiety, cheating, and non-descriptive sex.  thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Call Your Girlfriend by Robyn!

I have started a patreon account for those of you who would like to support me and my writing endeavors! You can find my patreon account here, and also find more information about perks of this here!

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Chapter Twenty

It won’t make sense right now, but you’re still her friend. And then you let her down easy.

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“Where are you going?”

Phil turned, flinching, his heart beating fast. He didn’t know why he’d flinched, but the sudden voice, paired with the words, made him feel as though he were going to die, and he didn’t really know why. His heart was a train in his chest, and it didn’t calm down even when he recognised the voice, knew that it was Dan, knew that Dan was just asking him in genuine curiosity why Phil was suddenly leaving the house with no explanation.

The words had been said curiously, not angrily, and suddenly Phil had no idea why he’d reacted the way he had.

Phil took a deep breath before he answered. He knew that he was being strange, kind of secretive. He knew that he was a piece of shit for abandoning Dan at his own house while he went out for the first time in weeks. “I’m meeting up with Ledjon,” Phil responded quietly. He messed with a loose string on his jeans, looking at his boots.