Meeting Dan in Phil in like two hours! Say hi if you see us 🌸
Look in the Mirror
Summary: As soon as Dan saw the mirrored ceiling in the back lounge of the tour bus, he knew he was in trouble. Word Count: 3378 Warnings: smut, barebacking A/N: Thanks to tumblr user, @7randomwords for the prompt! I suddenly got the urge to write this fic and ended up writing it in two hours which is a miracle considering I've been having writer's block! This is literally just an excuse to write shameless smut.
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As soon as Dan saw the mirrored ceiling in the back lounge of the tour bus, he knew he was in trouble.
He couldn’t stop thinking about it. Couldn’t stop thinking about lying on his back, head thrown back, eyes cast to the ceiling as Phil pounded him to oblivion into the seat cushions. There was something wrong with him. Phil was going to judge him so hard when he found out, would probably tease him for the rest of their lives.
But that wouldn’t stop him from trying, of course. The one thing that he’s learnt from being in a relationship with Phil was that hiding his ideas would get him nowhere, and would most likely upset Phil if he found out Dan was hiding information. On rare occasions, Phil may even have the same idea as he did.
He waited until they were on the road, the stars twinkling in the night sky from outside the windows. Phil was sat beside him, a notebook opened in front of him. He was writing something, his glasses perched on his nose, eyebrows cocked adorably. Dan always loved when Phil wore his glasses, giving him a sophisticated look that made Dan weak at the knees.
Love Scenario
Summary: When Phil first saw him in the spring, he thought he looked like bubblegum. Word Count: 5,325 Warnings: tooth rotting fluff, mentions of kpop, phil is thirsty af A/N: I got an ask a few months ago from someone talking about how this person they knew from high school was completely different and confident and they liked that, and this was inspired by that bc it was such a cute thing. I really wanted to write a fic where Dan wears makeup and soft things, so this is a very Dan-centric fic and I hella dig it. Also feel free to let me know other things y'all want me to write! The title of this song is from Love Scenario by iKon! Special thanks to @dandelionisonfire for screaming with me about this fic, ty ly bb Read it on ao3! Read it on wattpad!
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When Phil first saw him in the spring, he thought he looked like bubblegum.
His brown hair was curly atop his head, little messy ringlets that were so effortless yet still so stylish. His eyes were shining, framed by long eyelashes that kissed the freckles on his cheeks. Those very eyes were like pools of honey, sparkling with a light of their own and golden brown in the sunlight. His cheeks were pink, lips resembling cherry blossoms, and it was such a beautiful contrast to his porcelain skin that Phil could have sworn he was a walking doll. He was wearing makeup, that much Phil could tell from afar, with a light dusting of pink eyeshadow and winged eyeliner. There was a smattering of glitter on his cheekbones. Highlighter? Phil didn’t know the logistics of makeup, but he thought this boy was absolutely stunning.
He was wearing high waisted shorts, ones that showed off his pretty, rounded thighs and had six buttons on the front. Phil wondered if the buttons actually did what they were supposed to, or if they were just for show. He was wearing a light pink crop top with a small embroidered cactus on the breast. His pink converse matched his shirt and everything about him was pink and bright and Phil lost it completely when he saw the boy blow a bubble out of bubblegum he was chewing.
Bury Your Flame (3/3)
Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck. Word Count: 17,366 / 45k Warnings: Blood/gore, angst, threats, major injury A/N: Chapter warnings include violence, blood, mentions of throwing up, amputation, and ableism. Ahhh it's finally done!!! At long last! I can't believe it! I've been working on this fic since last June so it feels a bit unreal! Thank you so much for your patience in getting the last chapter up, I had a few things come up that were unexpected so I wasn't able to get it up as soon as I would have liked. I'm just glad I was able to upload it at all! Thank you so much to @dandelionisonfire for your endless support and betaing. I could not have done this without you! I hope you guys liked this fic as much as I did.
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The trek to Dan’s house was a rather long one, both because they didn’t have Dan with them, and also because they were traveling by foot instead of horse and carriage. There wasn’t much talk between them, mostly because Phil was trapped in his own head, worrying about things that he couldn’t change and wondering if he would truly be able to change his father’s mind.
When they arrived at Dan’s hut, his attention was immediately brought to the dragons grazing in the garden, followed by castle guards ransacking the entire place. Looking through his belongings, tearing apart his furniture, searching for anything that would peg Dan as guilty. Ducking behind a tree to watch, Phil could tell by the way that they were yelling at each other from across the yard that they were getting frustrated.
If they had thought they’d find something, they were truly imbeciles. Even if Dan were the culprit, he wouldn’t hide his things in such plain sight.
Phil turned to Lennyx, staying low and locking eyes with her. “I’m going to try to get the attention of Dryas,” he whispered. “We can’t let them know we’re here or I might get in a fight with the guards.” It was supposed to be a joke, but it came out flat.
Bury Your Flame (2/3)
Summary: After receiving a dragon egg when his grandfather passed away, Phil is forced to ask for help from the local dragon tamer. As he soon finds out, Dan Howell is nothing he’s been expecting. Infuriating, ludicrous, and completely lacking respect, Dan is everything Phil hates. But Phil will do anything to make his grandfather proud, even if that means getting help from the local cluck. Word Count: 14,412 / 45k Warnings: Blood/gore, angst, threats, major injury A/N:Thank you so much to @dandelionisonfire for betaing this for me again! I’ll try to get the next part out shortly, but it may take longer than two days because I’m going out of town this weekend. We’ll see though! Thanks for reading, I love you all!
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Part Two
Phil had gone over to Dan’s hut early in the morning, and they were currently taking a break. They’d hiked further up the mountain so the air was slightly thinner and they were sitting on a steep ledge, looking out at the tiny appearance of Lilium. Phil could see his own home from there, the very home that he had grown up in and had even gotten lost inside seeming so small that he could simply crush it in his palm.
While Phil was sitting farther away from the ledge, trying rather hard not to die, Dan had decided to sit on the actual ledge, feet dangling over in a way that made Phil fear that he was going to fall. Dan was humming a song, even kicking his feet as he played with Ophelia. It was giving Phil a nasty feeling in his chest, something akin to fear, because if Dan fell over the edge then he would be falling to his death.
If it were up to Phil, he would get up and move Dan himself, but sadly he was immobile at the moment. If he were to move, then he would dislodge Atlas, who had curled up into a ball on his lap. That was simply just disgraceful and not something that was possible at the moment. So instead, he called out to Dan, a frown on his face. “Tamer,” he demanded, trying to keep his voice as emotionless as possible. It would be weak to show his worry. “Come sit against the wall with me.”
to everyone who’s complaining about the video possibly being a yoga vid: y’all ever hear of couples yoga?
Is it just me or do dan and phil look even more like a domestic gay couple in this video than usual?
Sweet Pea (33/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Holy crappu! Chapter 33! Only one more chapter left and then this fic will be finished! I literally am in shock right now honestly. I'll save all the gushy stuff for the next chapter, but i'm still in shock lol. The final chapter is more like an epilogue so it may be out before Saturday since I already have half of it written! So keep your eye out for that! Sorry this chapter is late, i had a lot going on these couple of weeks and then like three hours ago I was almost finished with this but my roommate asked if I wanted to watch The Killing of a Sacred Deer (it's a movie i promise) and i was like. Um yeah who do you take me for OF COURSE! So here we are, three hours into sunday, and I'm an ass! Thank you all for reading this and for your lovely comments! The song at the beginning is from Somebody That I Used to Know by Gotye
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Chapter Thirty-Three
Now and then I think of when we were together. Like when you said you felt so happy you could die. Told myself that you were right for me, but felt so lonely in your company. But that was love and it's an ache I still remember.
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University starts before Phil is truly ready for it.
One moment, he feels like he’s just minding his own business working and lazing around the house, and the next he’s scrambling to do last minute school shopping (i.e., buy a pack of pencils and that’s it). It hits him hard, but his friends are there for him and he even shares his creative nonfiction class with Charlie, so he can’t be too terribly mad.
The first couple of weeks go by rather slowly. His professors are all nice, and Phil had gotten a doctor’s note from his psychologist saying that he may have to miss school sometimes due to an ‘underlying mental illness’, which really just meant his post-traumatic stress disorder that occasionally flared up here and there. While it had gotten better, he wasn’t completely healed yet. Apparently that shit either took years to go away, or even never went away. But Phil was optimistic and every time he could smell Nico’s old cologne or watch Nico’s favourite show without going into freakout mode was a win for him.
So i just got home from a long drive, hopped on tumblr, and saw that there’s a dnp meetup going on to talk about our love for these men? And even though im probs late (as always) i just HAD to join in because i love them with my whole heart :(( Ive been watching Dan and Phil since i was a tiny baby in 2010 and they quickly took over my life. It wasnt until 2013 that i started this blog and found this amazing community of people to freak out about them with! During tatinof i wasnt able to get VIP tickets, but this year, I’m lucky to be meeting them twice at their tour! I can’t wait to have them sign my high school yearbook from three years ago :’) theyve done so much for me and for so many others and i hope they know that!
glad to see dan’s getting that philussy tonight
Sweet Pea (27/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Kind of a short chapter, but that's alright. I think it's important! I'm excited about the next few chapters ahhh. Chapter 28 MAY come out a little bit early? Not positive? Because I'm going to chicago this next weekend, but it depends on if i have internet connection or not. If I have internet connection then i'm gonna upload it on saturday as usual! Thanks for @snowbunnylester for editing for me. The lyrics at the beginning are from The Fire by Tonight Alive.
ALSO, thank you SO MUCH to everybody who voted for this fic in the phanfic awards. I am super proud to announce that this fic won many awards! Sweet Pea was officially voted first place Best of the Best fic, Best Angst, and Best Chaptered, and second place in the Edge of the Seat Award, and Slow Burn, for the phanfic awards 2017! I appreciate and love all of you and i'm gonna cry wtf!
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Chapter Twenty-Seven
But I made it out alive. I’m here to say I breathe; at least I try. I won’t go without a fight. You can’t stop me.
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Phil has been doing a lot of thinking.
Truth was, he was bored. He was bored of life. His life had become an endless cycle of the same things over and over again; get up, go to work, get back home, clean the house, make dinner, play video games, talk to Dan, go to sleep. Over and over and over again. There was nothing for him to be excited about, nothing that made the wheels in his head turn to make him think, nothing to expand his knowledge about subjects that he cared about.
He missed school. He missed his friends. He missed going out. He missed how he would go to school and giggle in the middle of lectures because his friend had decided to make a lame sex joke under their breath. He missed going to the dining halls on campus and watching the people walk past as he ate a sad enchilada. He missed how he had to stay up late to finish essays because he’d procrastinated way too much. Okay well, maybe he didn’t miss that part, but he missed the other stuff and it almost made him long for that as well.
He was trapped in an endless cycle of boredom and he didn’t really know what to do about it.
Sweet Pea (26/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you’d like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Hurricane by 30 Seconds to Mars
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Chapter Twenty-Six
No matter how many deaths that I die I will never forget. No matter how many lives I live I will never regret. There is a fire inside of this heart and a riot about to explode into flames.
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There was something on Phil’s mind and he couldn’t seem to get it to go away, no matter how hard he tried.
Recently, Phil had been feeling a bit strange around Dan. Not necessarily a bad strange. But he didn’t really know if it was a good strange either. He thought it was fine most of the time, almost as though nothing was amiss, but then suddenly, Dan would say something and Phil’s entire body would feel hot all over, almost like he was going to faint. His chest would feel like it was going to collapse in on itself, and Phil would often obsess over the words that Dan had said all throughout the day.
Normally the words were just small comments, ones that weren’t unusual for Dan. Phil would sputter when Dan told him that he looked nice. He would inhale sharply as Dan told him how he had fun with Phil. Fuck, sometimes Dan didn’t even have to say anything, would just smile brightly, and Phil’s lungs would suddenly give up on him.
Sweet Pea (25/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: This chapter has a slight panic attack in it. Thank you for all of your comments for this story and for all of the love! As you know, this fic was nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best) and those awards are now open for voting!!! So head over to the phanficawards blog on tumblr if you'd like to vote for this fic for any of those categories :D As always thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this! The lyrics at the top of the story are from Otherside by Red Hot Chili Peppers!
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Chapter Twenty-Five
Pour my life into a paper cup; the ashtray's full and I'm spilling my guts. She wants to know am I still a slut? I've got to take it on the other side.
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“Come on, we’re going out.”
Phil glanced up from his laptop, giving Dan an alarmed stare. Dan was standing by the couch with his winter jacket on and a soft smile on his face. Instead of the pyjamas that he’d been wearing all afternoon, he’d finally put on some black jeans with rips in them and a long plaid shirt that was poking out from the bottom of his jacket. His dimples were caved in and the warmth in his eyes made Phil’s chest cave in a little bit too, despite his apprehension. “Out? Out where?”
“Outside,” Dan answered sarcastically, putting his hands on his waist. He gave Phil an expectant stare. “Go put some trousers on or I’m dragging you out in your disgusting emoji pyjamas for the world to shame you.”
Phil pouted but he put his laptop to the side anyways, standing up and whining all the while. “You are the worst friend,” Phil told Dan, pointing at him accusingly as he backed his way into his room.
Sweet Pea (24/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: Hi friends! I am SO SORRY for not updating last week! A lot of you guys are following my tumblr so you were aware I wouldn't be updating, but i'm sorry to those of you who didn't know! Basically I went to my mom's house and her internet wasn't working so I wasn't able to upload. Anyways, I hope you all had a good holiday and a good new year! This fic was also nominated for the @phanficawards for many awards (Edge of the Seat, Best angst, Best slow burn, best chaptered, and best of the best)!!!! You have NO IDEA how much this means to me. If you want to vote for this fic, I believe voting opens up in a week! Anyways, have fun reading this chapter! Thanks to @snowbunnylester for betaing this for me and the lyrics at the beginning are from the song Lonely Girl by Tonight Alive (:
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Chapter Twenty-Four
Lonely girl it looks like you are out of luck. Tell me how it feels to watch your friends give up. I was on your side, I stood by you. So go ahead and cry it's just like you.
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It had been a few weeks since Phil had started to go to therapy. and he had grown a bit more accustomed to talking to a professional about what he was feeling. He liked that he could be open about literally anything, whether he was talking about what he had for breakfast that morning or how his body image was so ruined from Nico that he could barely look in the mirror anymore without feeling like he was an entirely different person.
Nate always had helpful handouts to give him, things about changing his behaviors and ways of thinking. He had handouts about how to handle panic attacks, how he shouldn’t fight against them but just accept that they were happening, that he should focus on breathing so he didn’t hyperventilate.
Nate didn’t mention anything about Phil being diagnosed with a disorder. He hinted at certain things, of course, gave Phil information about panic attacks and anxiety, but then he handed Phil a paper about how to deal with post traumatic stress disorder and how it didn’t have to be something only a soldier experienced, and Phil felt his heart stop.
Sweet Pea (23/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: the lyrics at the beginning are from Everything Went Numb by Streetlight Manifesto. Thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me as usual. And thank you to all of you who are still sticking with this story! I love each and every one of you!
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Chapter Twenty-Three
Himself ain't a lot when he's got nothing left of what was once a man, loved and loving.
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As it turned out, the act of going to therapy was much harder than just the thought of it.
Firstly, there was the fact that healthcare was free, which was a great and wonderful thing, but if he wanted to get therapy, he’d have to wait six months to be able to even get an appointment. That was six whole months of Phil feeling like he was empty inside and not being able to function like a regular human would, six months of random crying spells and nightmares and taking out his frustrations on Dan. He definitely didn’t want to do that.
So the second option was to call his mum for financial help to see if she could help him pay for therapy to get an earlier appointment. He didn’t really want to do that either, but it was either that or a six month wait, and after weighing his options and having about five panic attacks, Phil picked up the phone and called his mother.
Her voice was cheery when she answered, and it made him feel slightly nostalgic. He missed her and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t been neglecting her slightly, but he was just super depressed and not really okay, and talking to his mum when he was on the verge of a breakdown 24/7 wasn’t really on his list of top things to do.
Sweet Pea (19/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: This chapter includes warnings for a bad panic attack and hints of PTSD. i work all day tomorrow so im uploading this slightly early. pls remember that this fic is based off of real experiences, so this fic is not true for everyone who has been in an abusive relationship, but it does hold many truths to it and many real feelings! thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Pine by Basement!
I have started a patreon account for those of you who would like to support me and my writing endeavors! You can find my patreon account here, and also find more information about perks of this here!
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Chapter Nineteen
I don't love you, I just need to be loved. Want me; I need you to want me. I hate myself, but that's okay because I never have enough.
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Nico Caragen - 2:12am
Im sorry i hurt u. I miss u so much. What can i do to fix this?
Message Deleted.
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Two weeks and four days after the idea was proposed to him, Phil got the restraining order.
It took a lot out of him, a lot of resistance on his part. He cried as he filled out the paperwork, but he felt strangely numb despite it all. There was a little section on the form that told him to explain why he was getting the restraining order, and he stared at it for moments on end because he didn’t know what to put exactly. It was such a little box, but there was so much that had happened that there was no way he could possible put it all in there.
He glanced up at the receptionist lady and gnawed his lip before speaking up, comforted slightly by the presence of Dan beside him. “Is this all the space I have to write in?” he asked quietly, somewhat confused. How would they be able to tell if he needed the restraining order if he could barely write what had happened in that tiny box?
Sweet Pea (17/34)
Summary: A nickname that goes bitter in your mouth. Cries for help that no one listens to. Gentle hands that make you quake on the ground you’re standing on. When Phil first met Nico, he thought he was a gift from the heavens. But behind the mask lies something daunting, something unnerving, that Phil never foresaw. Through his journey, he finds solace in Dan, the regular at his workplace, who seems to be the only one who sees through Nico’s mask to the darkness underneath. Warnings: Abusive relationship, violence A/N: warnings for this chapter include anxiety and more angst. thanks to @snowbunnylester for editing this for me! The lyrics at the beginning of this fic are from the song Lantern by The White Birch!
I have started a patreon account for those of you who would like to support me and my writing endeavors! You can find my patreon account here, and also find more information about perks of this here!
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Chapter Seventeen
I watched the lanterns tilt through days of darkened guilt. I prayed for newborn skies to lift me up so high.
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Phil didn’t end up texting Chandler back that night.
Perhaps it was the fear; the fear that had never left him, digging under his skin, melding into his bones. It was a part of him now, tearing deep through his mind, ripping him to shreds until there was absolutely nothing left to be salvaged.
Dan had tried to patch him up as best as he could, stitching him up with affection, telling him how much he meant to him. He put plasters on Phil’s heart in the form of piano playing and reading aloud, except he wasn’t a surgeon and he didn’t seem to know where to put them, so Phil’s heart continued to shatter, crumbling to the floor like rotting wood. It was inevitable, and there was nothing Dan could do about it, but he tried his best anyway, picking up the broken pieces and trying to glue them back together, not caring that the same pieces kept crumbling and he was just repeating actions with no real resolution.
Nearly a week had passed before he finally decided to text Chandler back. He barely left his flat, only doing so when he had work. He was grateful for LaBella’s then, for not firing him when they heard about the police coming to Phil’s home, but also because they allowed him to change his hours to work lunches so he didn’t have to work with his ex best friend.