fury blazed in myra's gaze as river's words hit her like a blow to the chest, sucking the air from her lungs. she couldn't believe him. she couldn't believe he had the audacity to question her feelings after everything he had put her through. taking a step back, slender hands trembling with both anger and hurt. "love?" the blonde spat out, her voice dripping with sarcasm. "you think what we had was love ? you were never capable of understand what love even means, river. you said it yourself, you didn't love me. you were too busy playing games." her chest heaved with emotion as she struggled to contain the torrent of emotions threathening to swallow her whole. "you destroyed everything we had, you deserved me. and now you have to stand there and act like you're the victim? like you have any right to come here and decide who i can or cannot hook up with? " shaking her head, she ignores the way tears are staining her cheeks. " i hate what you did to me, i hate how you made me doubt myself, how you made me question my worth. you made me feel like i was crazy for thinking what we had was love, and i hate that i let you."

             an  icy  chill  rolls  through,  her  ache  and  anger  wounding  and  enveloping.  river  waits  for  a  familiar  numbness  that  he’d  grown  so  accustomed,  for  his  eyes  to  glaze  over  in  boredom,  for  his  heart  to  find  a  resting  rate.  he’d  refined  the  diminishment  of  his  feelings  and  the  ability  to  go  somewhere  else–anywhere  else,  in  moments  like  these.  but  a  lifetime  of  practice  proves  to  be  in  vain  in  front  of  myra,  because  he  is  entirely  present  in  this  moment.  “  oh  ,  so  it  was  never  love  ?   ”  lips  pressed  into  a  firm  line,  his  best  attempt  at  taking  the  comment  off  the  chin.  “  sorry  ,  i’m  just  trying  to  keep  up  here  .  ”  the  whirlwind  in  his  chest  reaches  a  fever  pitch  at    ‘you  said  it  yourself,  you  didn't  love  me’         “  when  ?  ”          a  rash  step  forward,  careless  of  the  possible  (and  deserved)  slap  in  the  face.  his  voice  booms  with  emotion  as  he  immediately  follows  up,  “  when  did  i  ever  tell  you  that i didn't love you  ?  ”  the  question  was  unfair,  considering  how  clear  his  inferences  had  been.  but  he  had  been  so  careful  to  never  let  those  words  come  out  of  his  mouth.   “  never  .  not  fucking  once  ,”  voice  was  low  and  full  of  acrimony  as  he  answers  his  own  question.  suddenly,  river  rolls  back  on  his  heels  with  a  heartbeat  violently  loud,  desperate  for  distance.  the  room  felt  entirely  too  small  when  he  spoke  up  again,  “ it  sounds  like  you’ve  got  it  all  figured  out ,  myra . ”

          the gesture is unbelievably simple , certainly nothing ulterior or clandestine about the soft weight of her head on his shoulder . still , river can feel his heart shake off its cobwebs of dormancy at her closeness . he can’t remember the last time he felt this sensation : the jackhammer thud against his ribcage , his pulse in his ears , surely strong enough to move the fabric of his shirt . cass had a talent of dashing through his pretenses , and under normal circumstance river may have pulled away and re-adjusted one of his well-polished masks , but not tonight . tonight , he yields . attentive as she speaks , hanging on every word , wondering if they would ever reach the root of whatever this was between them . “ i don’t think you’re trying to change me , cass. ” he pushes a breath of air from his nose , weighing if it was wise to continue his train of thought , “ but it probably wouldn’t be a bad thing if i did . change might do me good . i feel faulty most days . ”  he winces as the words leave his mouth , the honesty feeling excessive . the night air grows unbelievably oppressive around him , lungs thick and gummy as she delves further . he understood this as a mutual surrender of their suffering , even if it was only alleviated until daylight . when he moved to rest his head atop her own , the idea of waving that white flag felt easier .  " you terrify me in general , since we're sharing secrets . . . but tell me who is that is exactly . the person you choose to be , i mean . ” 

myra felt her heart clench in her chest, almost as if her ribcage was getting tigher and tigher by the second. she couldn't understand how someone she cared about so deeply could behave so callously. anger bubbled within her, and she found her voice despite the tears threatening to spill over. "saving me? from what, river?" Her voice quivered with emotion, each word laced with disbelief. "you don't get to decide what's best for me. if anything, someone should be saving me from you." her chest heaved with emotion as she took a step back, putting some needed distance between them. his actions had shattered the fragile semblance of trust she had left in him. "you broke my heart. you were the one who ended things, remember? you made me feel like i wasn't enough, that what we had didn't matter," the female continued, her voice steadier now, fueled by indignation."i don't need you to protect me, i need you to stay away from me." trembling fingers wiped at the tears that finally escaped her eyes. "i fucking hate you."

             '  someone  should  be  saving  me  from  you  '    ,  the  truth  of  it  hits  him  like  a  tidal  wave  -  a  slam  of  pressure  to  the  chest  ,  quickly  followed  by  a  suffocating  lack  of  air  in  his  lungs  .  the  room  around  them  still  moves  unaffected  ,  but  a  few  stray  passerby's  have  seemed  to  slow  ,  or  stop  entirely  for  the  show  .  usually  he'd  have  no  shame  ,  but  something  feels  different  .  maybe  the  way  her  eyes  pooled  with  tears  ,  or  the  shaking  of  his  own  hands  ,  but  river  feels  unbelievably  exposed  .  previous  confidence  nearly  ebbs  as  he  swallows  hard  ,  pulling  in  a  deep  breath  when  she  says  she  hates  him  .  again  ,  impulse  takes  over  as  he  pulls  her  into  the  nearest  empty  room  despite  all  her  rebutting  ,  desperate  for  privacy  .  "  so  we're  those  people  now  ?  fucking  screaming  at  each  other  in  public  ?  "  his  own  voice  is  still  booming  ,  unadjusted  to  the  sudden  change  in  volume  ,  the  quiet  that  this  room  with  a  shut  door  now  provided  .  "  and  you  hate  me  now  ?  what's  the  fucking  truth  ,  myra  ?  "  a  dry  scoff  ,  "  last  time  i  saw  you,  you  were  in  love  with  me  .  "

was she organically awful at navigating this or were the nerves letting things get lost in translation ? subtle touch brings a wash of relief , gnawing the inside of her cheek . " at least you'd have something to blame . . . i'm starting to think i'm too sober . " tone is at half - jest , clueing him into her nerves which are already apparent . still , it's river asking her to open up and that's enough for cass to push through . maybe if she did say the wrong thing , he wouldn't remember tomorrow — or maybe he'd simply humor her and pretend . here's hoping . " i felt stuck for a long time . everything was so boring and dull . . . i think i was hoping to find someone like you and i didn't think i'd ever do it . " ⸻ " the first time we met , i knew you were different but i didn't realize how special you were . now i can't imagine going back to how things were before we met , you know ? it's crazy how meeting one person can change everything . . . especially when you aren't sure if that person exists . you caught me entirely off - guard and i'm really happy that you did ." she shakes her head . " i probably sound like i've lost it . "

             it’s  enrapturing  and  infuriating,  the  way  she  can  slip  right  between  his  hairline  cracks,  so  unwittingly  disarming,  deciphering  the  combinations  to  his  nearly  every  lock.  river  pulls  his  knees  toward  his  chest,  carelessly  draping  his  arms  over  them  as  she  speaks,  letting  his  eyes  fall  toward  the  pavement.  looking  at  her  would  be  too  revealing,  wouldn’t  it?  he  opens  his  mouth  to  argue;  no,  he  wasn’t  special.  just  sad  and  reckless,  in  a  way  that  felt  prophetic  but  was  carefully  masked  as  hedonistic.  truthfully,  this  is  what  he  feared  all  along:  that  their  stark  contrast  made  him  interesting  and  shiny  to  cass,  but  blurred  the  truth  —  the  real  sum  of  his  parts.  but,  he  wants  to  believe  her  and  his  mind  is  just  liquor-logged  enough  to  pretend.  "  you  don’t  sound  like  you’ve  lost  it.    .  .  .    i  feel  it  too.   everything.   i  look  around  and  i’m  so  jaded.  i  feel  numb  most  of  the  time,  but  not  around  you.  "  the  implications  hang  heavy  like  a  warning  scythe,  but  he  treads  on  regardless.  "  the  night  i  met  you,  i  was  so  fucking  sad.  .  .  ”  he  trails  off  and  fidgets  where  he  sits,  feeling  unbelievably  exposed,  " but  after  a  few  hours,  i  couldn’t  remember  why.  i  still  can’t.  it  all  felt  so  important  in  the  moment,  but  then  enter  you.  you  had  changed  everything,  and  you  never  even  knew.  it still  feels  like  you're  doing  it,  even  now.  "

" oh ! " doe eyes blink , a lull taking over while cass attempts to rebound . " right , sorry ! " laughs awkwardly , trying to ease herself out of embarrassment . reasons that he's withholding the truth to spare her . weren't people most truthful when they were drunk ? " you don't need to say anything . i shouldn't have . " ⸻ " we actually don't need to talk about it when we're sober , either . it doesn't have to be a big deal . "

             something  about  her  attempt  to  recuperate  immediately  fills  river  with  guilt.  it  settles  and  sinks  like  a  weight,  slightly  breaking  through  the  fog  of  his  drunkenness.  dismissal  hadn't  been  his  initial  goal,  but  he  now  realizes  that  was  exactly  what  it  was.   "  i  didn't  mean  it  like  that,  "  it's  his  turn  now  to  recover  as  he  bumps  her  shoulder  with  his  own.  "  i  just  —  "  a  pause,  a  furrow  of  his  brow.  he  really  might  be  too  drunk  to  talk  about  this.  the  right  words  sit  at  the  tip  of  his  tongue,  but  feel  too  scattered  to  parse  through.  "  i'm  probably  going  to  say  the  wrong  thing,  but  .  .  .  i  want  you  to  keep  talking —  and  i'll  try  to  not  fuck  up.  "

             "  cass,  "  the  nickname  falls  too  easily  out  of  his  mouth,  silvery  and  slurred.  "  i  have  a  feeling  i'm  way  too  drunk  to  have  this  conversation.  "

for the first time in weeks, myra felt alive again. her friends had forced out of the comfort of her bedroom and she couldn't be more grateful. with alcohol running through her veins, she'd even allowed a stranger to approach her. they had chatted all evening, ingnoring river's presence the best way she knew how. allowing the other male to lead her upstairs, her mind determined to forget about the male that had both stolen and broken her heart. what happened next happened fast, way too fast for her to mind to register it. she stood frozen on the landing, her heart pounding in her chest as she watched his stormy reaction unfold. words sliced through the air, sharp and accusing. " - river," the blonde struggled to find her voice, tears welling up in her gaze as words catch in her throat. " what the fuck are you doing ? " yanking her arm from his grasp, she shakes her head in pure disbelief. " who he is none of your business, what the hell is wrong with you ? who do you think you are ? " 

             it's  only  now  that  river  realizes  he  had  reacted  purely  on  impulse.  he  has  no  real  explanation  for  crossing  a  line  this  glaringly  large,  not  even  drunkenness.  admittedly,  he  was  pretty  sober.  "  that  fucking  loser?  seriously,  that's  the  best  you  can  do?  "  deflection  was  easier  than  facing  the  truth;  that  he  was  overcome  with  a  jealousy  so  powerful  it  that  nearly  boiled  him  alive,  so  river  trudged  on  in  his  barrage.  "  i  was  saving  you  from  a  night  of  disappointment,  "  the  argument  is  paper  thin,  but  he's  diligent  in  conveying  an  air  of  pure  revulsion.  eyes  flicker  to  the  man  in  question,  filled  with  a  sick  satisfaction  when  he  watches  the  stranger  disappear  out  the  front  door.  "  you're  welcome,  by  the  way.  "

“  if  anything  that’s  because  i  care  .  ”  her  voice  cracks  as  she  speaks  ,  the  fear  of  losing  what  they  have  –  or  perhaps  never  truly  had  –  now  etched  into  every  feature  of  her  face  .  she  takes  a  deep  breath  however  ,  steadying  herself  for  the  words  that  need  to  come  next  ,  “  we’re  stuck  .  we’re  fighting  all  the  time  .  ”  she  pauses  then  ,  searching  his  face  for  any  sign  of  understanding  ,  hopes  for  something  that’d  tell  her  he  wants  to  make  this  work  too  .  “  we  can’t  just  keep  pretending  that  everything’s  okay  when  .  .  .  shit  like  this  keeps  happening  .  that’s  what  i  mean  .  this  isn’t  going  anywhere  .  our  problems  aren’t  going  to  just  disappear  if  we  don’t  do  anything  .  ”  sam’s  gaze  held  his  ,  unwavering  as  she  adds  ,  “  i  don’t  want  to  end  things  ,  but  i  can’t  do  this  alone  .  ”

               the  look  in  her  eye,  steady  and  resolute,  motivates  a  180°  in  his  demeanor.  "and  you  think  i  don't  care?  .  .  .  about  you?  .  .  .  about  fixing  this?"  question  is  free  of  condescension,  uncharacteristically  earnest  with  a  voice  soft.    had  he  done  that  bad  of  a  job  of  showing  how  he  felt  about  her?    sam's  finality  registers  as  a  threat,  but  it  wounds  rather  than  ignites  him.  "i  didn't  know  you  were  so  unhappy."  neither  one  of  them  had  clean  hands  in  this,  but  river  knew  his  mistakes  were  dog-eared.  his  rapid  self-destruction  had  begun  to  metastasize,  breaching  new  areas  of  his  life  that  he'd  swore  it  would  never  touch,  including  the  people  he  cared  about  most.  including  her.  this  conversation  was  evidence  enough  that  his  habit  had  grown  into  something  beyond  his  control.  "i'm  not  sure  that  i  know  how  to  be  better,  or  that  i  can  be  what  you  want,"  words  are  a  near  whisper  as  they  leave  his  lips,  and  he  realizes  that  this  may  be  the  most  vulnerable  he's  ever  been.  him  choosing  this  moment   –   when  it  felt  like  she  had  one  foot  out  the  door,  he  can't  help  but  feel  like  it's  a  waste.  "if  you're  prolonging  the  inevitable  on  my  account  .  .  .  don't,"  clears  his  throat,  bogged  with  emotion,  "but  i'm  always  gonna  want  you."

“  i  don’t  care  if  this  isn’t  ‘  picture  fucking  perfect  ’  can’t  you  see  that  ?  ”  sam  raises  her  voice  ,  frustration  coating  her  tone  as  hues  finally  met  his  ,  unwavering  ,  even  as  her  heart  raced  within  her  chest  .  “  i  just  wish  you’d  listened  to  me  ,  for  once  .  sometimes  it  feels  like  i'm  talking  to  a  fucking  wall  !  ”  defeat  had  never  been  something  she  accepted  easily  ,  but  she’s  losing  her  grasp  on  the  little  bit  of  hope  she  had  left  that  screamed  to  her  that  they  could  perhaps  fix  this  .  she  knows  however  this  was  her  fault  too  ,  had  fucked  up  too  many  times  herself  .  “  maybe  i’ll  just  accept  we’re  really  not  going  anywhere  with  this  ,  there’s  no  saving  us  .  ”   

               "you  clearly  do  care,  since  you're  so  obsessed  with  'fixing'  ."  his  instigation  is  immediate,  words  tumbling  from  his  mouth  so  quickly  that  his  mind  couldn't  measure  how  they  may  cut.  the  look  in  her  eyes  is  resolute  and  incite  a  new  fear  that  swells  in  the  pit  of  his  gut.  there  was  no  part  of  him  that  knew  how  to  nurture  something  like  this,  but  the  thought  of  sam  slipping  through  his  fingers  terrified  him.  reality  of  the  situation  arrives  all  at  once,  and  he  straightens  his  posture.  "i  am  listening."  tone  and  expression  morphs  into  something  much  more  solemn  as  his  eyes  temporarily  flutter  shut,  wishing  he  didn't  care,  that  he  could  let  her  go  without  a  second  thought.  "wait  —  what  do  you  mean  'we're  not  going  anywhere'  ?"  shakes  his  head  in  defiance,  his  heart  suddenly  setting  off  at  a  break-neck  pace.  "what  are  you  trying  to  say?"

open to m/f/nb

“  i  don't  know  how  to  fix  what's  broken  between  us  anymore  .  ”

             "and  what  if  there's  no  fixing  it?"  he  provokes,  jaw  unbelievably  tense.  "why  can't  you  just  accept  this  is  what  it  is?  ...  it's  never  gonna  be  picture  fuckin'  perfect."

" i do, i want you to be honest with me for once," she's almost begging, pleading for him to give her something, anything that would help her understand where this was coming from. feels blindsided, betrayed, and stupid for believing that they could be so much more than they were. " - how ? how do we not work ? " swallowing back the sobs that threatened to overwhelm her, she hated how weak she felt around him, how desperate she is for his love and affection. this wasn't her, she'd never been this girl before. myra had always been careful, guarded with her heart but he'd stolen it so effortessly. the moment the words escape him, the blonde can feel her breath catch in her throat, head frantically shaking in denial. " no, you don't mean that. " her trembling, small palm moves to cover her lips as a ragged sob finally ripped itself from her throat. " - how long ? for how long have you been lying to me ? " 

               throughout  the  entirety  of  this  conversation,  river  had  been  waiting  for  the  feeling  of  liberation  that  refused  to  come.  it  was  like  a  high  for  him,  and  it  came  every  time  he  broke  off  a  relationship.  always  made  him  feel  akin  to  a  bird  finally  free  from  its  cage,  from  expectations,  from  dragging  around  the  weight  of  another.  but  when  freedom  didn't  set  in,  panic  quickly  did.  the  realization  that  he  may  be  in  the  middle  of  a  mistake,  but  far  too  deep  now  to  pull  himself  out,  nearly  had  him  choking  on  his  anxiety.  tension  and  pure  fear  boil  over  at  her  question  as  he  booms,  "i'm  not  IT  for  you,  alright?!  i  can't  give  you  what  you  need."  words  betray  his  own  mind,  unable  to  stop  the  mental  flipbook  of  their  every  touch,  the  nights  they  shared,  his  confession  of  love  that  brought  on  all  of  this.  feels  his  eyes  glass  over  once  her  own  emotion  runs  over,  but  he  swallows  hard,  forcing  it  all  down.  when  she  begs  for  more  information  on  his  fabricated  affair,  his  mind  is  too  fried  to  conjure  up  more  lies,  and  he  can't  imagine  making  this  any  worse  than  it  already  was.  "myra,  i  am  fucking  begging  you  —  drop  this,"  he  leans  in  for  punctuation,  gaze  one  that  burns,  "all  i'll  do  is  make  you  fucking  miserable.  all  i'm  gonna  do  is  make  you  miserable.  you  need  to  go  find  someone  else."

" - then tell me the truth. if you want me to let this go, swear to me that it didn't mean anything to you, that i mean nothing to you. " delicate fingers give his larger palm a firm squeeze, voice almost breaking under the weight of emotion. part of her can't even believe this is happening, and if it wasn't for the aching feeling in her chest and how real it felt, she would have believed that this was just her mind playing tricks on her. " h-how ? why? " maybe she was naive, maybe she was so desperate for his love that she didn't realize how wrong they were for each other. " just be honest with me. is there someone else ? is that why you're acting like this ? " letting go of his hand, trembling fingers brushing over her tear-stained cheeks. " i can't fucking believe this."

                  "you  don't  want  to  hear  the  truth."  deflection.  clearly  buying  time,  working  to  build  his  courage  and  necessary  malice.  it's  not  that  he  wanted  to  hurt  her,  but  he  needed  out.  he  couldn't  feel  this  way,  not  toward  her,  not  toward  anyone.  and  admittedly,  his  anger  was  burgeoning  because  she  wasn't  making  this  simple.  "myra,  do  you  see  this?"  gestures  frantically  between  the  two  of  them,  his  voice  booming,  "we  don't  fucking  work."  ignores  the  fact  that  this  is  his  fault,  that  he's  destroying  the  only  good  thing  he's  ever  had.  he  quickly  shakes  her  hand  away,  hand  flexing,  feeling  the  absence  of  her  skin  immediatley.  a  metaphorical  lightbulb  above  his  head  flicks  on  at  her  question,  feeling  as  if  she  had  handed  him  his  out  on  a  silver  platter.  "yes,"   he  answers,  lying  through  his  teeth.  he  does  his  best  to  posture  as  if  he  had  been  caught,  lets  his  shoulders  sink  along  with  his  gaze.  "i  met  someone.  and  it's  different  with  her...  it's real."

" - so you break my heart and i'm just supposed to be okay with it ? " an unamused scoff tears at her throat, the tears welling up in her gaze finally breaking free. " i - i don't know what's going on with you, but i know what you told me that night, river." she knew how it had felt then, how her heart had swollen in her chest as those three words slipped past his lips. he had meant them, he had to. " look at me, " she demands, swallowing back the sobs that keep threathening to consume her, slender fingers reaching for his hand and giving it a firm squeeze. " look me in the eye and tell me that none of it meant anything to you, tell me that it was just sex, because i don't believe you. "

         any other girl in the world and river could've ripped this bandaid off with ease. he was used to operating in this way: running before his feelings ran too deep, leaving before he could be left. in river's mind, this was self preservation. yet when she mentions that night, he can actually feel himself wince. memories flooded to his mind like a tidal wave, and he'd give anything to be back in that moment with her. when she takes his hand and asks for his eye contact, river does the exact opposite, head temporarily lolling back against his shoulders, eyes pointed toward the sky for a long moment. when his gaze finally returns to center, river knows he should disentangle their hands, yet he can't find the strength. "myra, i'm fucking begging you — let this go," voice wavered, all his measured control unravelling from the feeling of her hand in his own. doesn't even attempt to adhere to her request, unsure if he could make the words sound compelling. "you're telling me you want this? that you want me? no. we are hopeless."

breath is lost somewhere between her throat and lungs, as if for a moment, myra had forgotten how to breathe. "-no," shakes her head vigorously, ignoring the sinking feeling forming in the pit of her stomach. " it wasn't. i - i love you. " her words taste bittersweet on her tongue as his own cut through her chest like a sharp blade. " you told me you loved me."

          looking at her physically hurts. his eyes burn, yet he won't tear them away, reminding himself that he put the pained expression on her face as he watches myra's mind attempt to assimilate his words. "myra, don't make this harder than it needs to be." her reminder is enough to finally bring river's eyes to the floor, full of guilt and shame and something else entirely incomprehensible. "i don't know how to love anything," he quickly retorts. this much is the truth, even if he's working so desperately to feign indifference. river had no idea how to love someone, much less receive it. maybe pushing her away was the most purely altruistic thing he could do. "besides, you knew i was drunk when it came out of my mouth."

loml @bluerevs ♥ based on.

" you - you don't mean that. you can't possibly mean that. "

          "of course i mean it," words were intended to cut, even if he's wounded in the process. "this was a huge mistake." presents an air of stoicism, a stark contrast to the internal push and pull that threatened to tear him apart. "what, you thought we were meant to be? get married? come on."

        "i mean, you have my undivided attention. all honesty though, probably wouldn't use that one-liner on a dating profile if i were you. .... but, back to your point — i make you nauseous?"