The Great Quidditch Bake Off
Summary
James just wanted to raise money for a Quidditch charity, Lily wanted to do that plus promote muggle rights and muggle technology, Sirius wanted to impress Remus, Remus just wanted to win the bloody competition. But with James and Lily's massive row just before the start of the show, Gilderoy Lockhart and Dolores Umbridge revealed as the two judges, McGonagall on the war-path and the muggle crew in meltdown, our friends appear to have bitten off more than they can chew. Who will win the Great Quidditch Bake Off?
Special thanks to @joyseuphoria for the wonderful angst to fluff prompt "you're allowed to fall apart a little", you are the best! This is for you as a thank you and for @therealrjlupin who is a GBBO fan and my bestie 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰
(PS I’m sure there’s been other GBBO- inspired AUs so apologies if so and hopefully this is different enough!)
“Welcome to this year’s edition of the Great Quidditch Bake Off! This year, the charity that has been chosen to benefit from this competition is St Nicholas’ Centre for Quidditch-Related Injuries, in the paediatric hospital situated next door to St Mungo’s. And, for the first time, I will be joining you not as a judge, but as a presenter”.
“Quiet!” McGonagall’s lips quirked upwards despite herself, and the room descended into hushed silence once more.
“Aside from the judges, nothing has changed, wands will be left at the door, the tent is suitably enchanted to prevent any of you from using wandless and non-verbal spells. Once the judges say a few words, and the cameras start lolling, excuse me, rolling, you will each take up position behind your counter. As ever, there will be three challenges - a signature bake, a technical challenge, and a show-stopper. However, only the top four bakers will make it into the third and final challenge where you will get to show off your breath-taking creations. I’m sure you will all do rather well.”
She looked down at the eight contestants and smiled.
“The two judges this year need no introduction. Once again, we welcome back Gilderoy Lockhart, only recently graduated from Hogwarts, but already an international sensation since the publication of his bestselling, er, memoire “From Guilty Pleasure Oreo Cheesecake to Black Forest Lust Bars- A Catalogue of How to Win: My Love Life in Desserts,” she pursed her mouth shut, as though the previous sentence had been painful to utter.
“Language, Mr Potter!” she interrupted the dark-haired boy half-heartedly. “I’m sure you are all, well, most of you, dying to impress Mr Lockhart, and who knows, with luck he may extend one of his famous handshakes to the star baker.”
She heard a couple of exasperated snorts amid the squeals of excitement.
“And, for the first time, we will have a new judge joining Mr Lockhart. We were initially going to offer the post to a staff member who is a well- known culinary genius, Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington, but- “
“Who?” said the muggle Health & Safety Expert, Tom.
“Nearly Headless Nick,” said James.
“But unfortunately, while he can spot a half-baked croissant, a collapsed tiered cake and the lack of air bubbles in a good focaccia,” McGonagall continued.
“But he’s, well, there’s no good way to put this, dead?” said Remus, eyebrows knotted together.
“How dare you, young man!” the ghost of Sir Nicholas de Mimsy-Porpington wafted into the tent, screeching in horror. “There is no calling for such unreasonable, rude and wholly unjustifiable- “
“Our special effects department is rather skilled,” McGonagall said to Tom, with a stern sniff, any questions dying on his lips, effectively silenced. “Sir Nicholas, get out.”
“The indignity! The audacity!” Nearly Headless Nick wailed as he disappeared through the tent, grabbing a hold of his hair and pulling upwards, until his head toppled over to the right.
“Incredible!” whispered Dick, the muggle who thought he was the producer.
“We are also ‘broadcasting’ this live across the nation, using very complicated and innovative muggle technology and special boxes called Televisions, I believe, Miss Evans?” said McGonagall, ignoring them all.
“That’s right, Professor, there’s one in the Great Hall which Benjy and I- “
“Benjy and I,” James muttered under his breath, making air-quotes with his hands and a disgruntled sound.
Lily shot him a dirty look.
“Which Benjy Fenwick, who is very talented and a close friend of mine- “ Lily said, looking at James pointedly.
“Get on with it!” James growled.
“Benjamin and I transfigured into a large cinema screen, and one smaller TV for each of the common rooms, aside from the Slytherin one. We have also set one up in the town square at Hogsmeade.”
“Oh? Why did you deliberately exclude some of your fellow students?” said McGonagall frowning severely at her, spectacles sliding down her nose in disapproval.
“They refused the offer, Minnie, bigoted wankers that they all are,” said Sirius, languidly sticking his feet on top of the chair in front of him, James’ chair, causing it to wobble. James smacked the back of his shins.
Snape glared at him from across the room.
“Oi!” said Dick, looking at Sirius with his hands on his hips. “This is a family show, we can’t have you cursing like- “
“In this case, we will disregard it,” McGonagall said primly. “I’m afraid it really is the only adequate description that comes to mind. Any further rudeness, however, will result in detention, Sirius Black.”
“Yes, Prof,” he said, shooting a triumphant look at Snivellus who ignored him, seething silently.
“The other judge!” Harriet, the muggle cameraperson, hissed from behind McGonagall.
“Ah, yes, and before I forget, our second, er… fascinating new judge. She is well-known for her bigo- for her love of pureblood cooking, having published extensively on the matter. Her bestselling Pink Cookbooks Series include “The Purest Treats - Secret Recipes from the kitchens of the Sacred Twenty-Eight”, “Twenty-Eight Cakes to Woo Your Pureblood Lover” and “Always Pure – Aristocratic Desserts To Kill For”. I am of course talking about Dolores Jane Umbri- “
“You have got to be kidding me!” Lily’s emerald eyes were wide as she stared at McGonagall in dismay. “That absolute cow? No fu- “
James Potter made a loud, retching noise to cover up for her.
“Sorry, that was me, Head Boy, trying not to puke,” he said, sticking his hands in his pockets, not sounding in the least apologetic.
McGonagall rolled her eyes and fixed them both with a resigned look.
“Without further ado, please welcome Dolores Umbridge and Gilderoy Lockhart!” she said, clapping her hands politely.
“Oh Merlin, what the hell have we signed up for?” groaned Lily, head falling over the back of her chair, giving James unfettered access to her desperately attractive silhouette, long neck outstretched as she slumped dramatically.
“Nightmare,” confirmed Remus watching in horror as Umbridge entered the tent, resplendent in a pink and white suit and matching pink specs.
“I think I may have to leave,” said James, flinging his feet onto the ground and standing up impulsively.
“And give Snivellus a greater chance of winning the GQBO? Shut up and sit down, you twat!” Sirius hissed at him, grabbing hold of his shirt, and pulling.
James toppled onto his seat, hesitating.
“If you leave, I leave, and if I leave, Remus leaves, and the chances of Lily have to interact with that greaseball increase astronomically,” his best friend said, pulling his chair forwards to whisper conspiratorially. “And saving Lily from that, old boy, is worth putting up with a lot.”
“Are you sure you’re not just doing this to ogle at Lockhart?” James huffed.
Sirius shot him a scornful look.
“Lockhart? He’s like a smear of bubopus in comparison to Moony’s beauty!”
“You’re so far gone, you’re pathetic,” James grinned manically.
“Shut up! It’s not my fault that my boyfriend is half-Veela. No, it’s quite simply the case that- “
James’ peels of laughter echoed around the tent, and he clamped his hand over his mouth as Minnie and the muggles glared at him, again.
“I get it, Padfoot,” he whispered when he was able to speak coherently. “You never had any interest in this competition, you don’t even have a sweet tooth! You just didn’t fancy the idea of Lovely Lockhart hanging out with our Moony- “
