Good morning ☀️

answered a scam call today and had the most bizarre conversation

scam caller: hello, how are you today?

me: great!

scam caller: good. I’m calling because your IP address has been compromised. I’ll just need you to get in front of your computer so we can get your account fixed up.

me: okay! there is one thing I’m wondering, though

scam caller: what?

me: you really couldn’t think of a better lie?

scam caller:

me: like, my “IP address has been compromised.” How, exactly, does an IP address become “compromised”?

scam caller:

me: I was just wondering, is all

scam caller: why did you answer?

me:

me: what?

scam caller: if you knew this wasn’t a legitimate call, then why did you answer?

me: oh, I just though I would have some fun at your expense.

scam caller: what expense? talking is no expense to me.

me: well, you’re currently not accomplishing your goal

scam caller: my goal?

me: your goal of scamming my elderly grandmother. You’re not accomplishing that. I’d call that an expense.

scam caller: well, can I scam you?

me:

me: did you- did you ask if you can scam me?

scam caller: yes. can I scam you?

me, baffled: sure, you can try

scam caller: you need to get in front of your computer

me: yeah, that’s still a problem. I’m eating tater tots right now and I really don’t feel like getting up.

scam caller: okay. I will call you tomorrow morning, then.

me: I might not answer. My grandma definitely won’t.

scam caller: You answered today.

me: …touché?

scam caller: I will call you tomorrow. Have a good day.

Enemies to lovers, slow burn, 500K

This reads like a bit from a British sketch comedy.

Talking with @thedreamermusing and @thecat-isblogging-blog made me realise how much of a dark comedy OOTP could have been, if it was focused on the adults.

The Black family house is essentially a Monster House: it has a creepy music box that makes people sleepy, robes that look to strangle you, vials of blood, nest of dead puffskeins, Boggarts in wardrobe, doxy infestation, biting boxes, murderous ghouls, a grandfather clock that tries to attack passersby - Sirius and Regulus were essentially raised in an obstacle course.

Sirius is not happy about returning to the house, of course. But you know who would be excited? Former Defense Against Darks Arts teacher who has great interest in studying Dark creatures - Remus. Sirius' emotional stunting and Remus' disassociative tendencies will make for great dark banter.

-

Lupin: Did you know you have a stranglatous curtainous in the drawing room? Amazing energy force-

Sirius: Actually having a panic attack, mate

-

Lupin: I found the most amazing cupboard. It sucks in light and magic. Not even a Lumos works inside it. Extraordinary work of magic really--

Sirius: I've spent hours locked in that cupboard screaming my lungs out as a child, Remus.

-

Lupin: You know Sirius, this house is amazing. I know you had a terrible childhood in it but--

Sirius: I'm still having a terrible childhood, Moony.

-

Snape: (snidely) How is the cleaning going?

Lupin: Very well actually, we found a nest of-

Sirius: facepalm

-

Remus once he sees the half naked women on Sirius's wall: Really Sirius? How uncouth. Those posters are really a bad influence on the children. You should take them down.

Sirius:....seriously? THAT'S the part of this house you have a problem with?

-

Bonus: Remus teams up with Kreacher to hoard Dark magical artefacts just like Kreacher is hoarding Mrs Black's stuff. Picture Remus in a Gollum-esque frenzy.

Kreacher: the half breed is willing to save my Mistress' treasures? Oh my poor Mistress, what will she say-

Remus: Yeah, yeah, can you hand over the doxy poison before Sirius finds us-

Sirius: (finding them anyway) Well, well, he is a liar and a thief.

Edit: we did end up writing this. It's called Toys in the Attic.

Sirius turned as he heard someone call his name, a flash of a camera followed his movements. He locked eyes with a reporter, dressed in a cheap brown suit more suited for a classroom than a red carpet event. The reporter smiled, waringly, at him.

Sirius stepped towards him.

"Do you have time for a quick interview?"

He grinned, "I thought that's what this allotted time was for?"

The reporter looked down slightly, a small blush working its way onto his face, "Right."

Sirius turned directly to the camera behind Remus, a blonde man in a long black skirt and white jumper nodded in greeting, half his face hidden by the camera in his grip.

"I'm Sirius Black", he directed to the camera, "And this is...?"

Remus' eyes widened as Sirius stared at him, "Remus. Lupin. Sorry, I'm meant to ask you questions, aren't I?"

Sirius barked a laugh, as Remus hurried to turn towards the camera.

"We're here with Sirius Black, a fantastic actor who's just finished filming his new film, the great gatsby, where he will be playing the infamous, Jay Gatsby."

Remus turned towards Sirius, "So I've heard you were a huge fan of the book when you were younger. Who was your favourite character?"

Sirius grinned again, "Jordan Baker. Beautiful but extremely self-centered, I relate to her a lot. Who's yours?"

Remus' mouth opened slightly, a twinge of confusion evident on his face, "My favourite Gatsby character?"

Sirius nodded.

"Um. Well I'd have to say Gatsby. I find his story overwhelmingly tragic and convoluted. He's so intensely in love with Daisy, and do caught up in his past with her that he is unable to move past it and lives like he's in a dream. Which, inevitably, becomes his downfall."

"Well, I hope I live up to your expectations of him."

"You will", Remus smiled slightly, staring at Sirius as he smiled back.

The cameraman coughed, and Remus turned.

"Right. Sorry. So..."

Sirius winked at him, and Remus dropped the microphone to the floor. He scrambled to pick it up and stared at Sirius for a moment.

"Fuck. Sorry. I can't remember the questions."

Sirius' eyes locked onto Remus, "How about we have another interview some time. Maybe with less people around, less of a rush."

Remus nodded slightly, his ability to speak seeming to have left at the sight of Sirius.

He touched his arm, squeezing it, and winked again, "I'll be in touch, Remus."

As Sirius turned, Remus called out, "Goodbye!"

Sirius turned, another interview having stopped him, and smiled wide at Remus.

"Well, that went well", Peter taunted.

Remus glared at him, "Shut up."

"Looked like you were going to faint right there. Maybe Sirius Black would've caught you as you fell, holding you in his arms.

Remus bit his lip to stop a smile, "Fuck off."

the most unrealistic thing about harry potter

is that no teacher ever called him James by accident, or that Ron never was called “Bill-, eh Charl-, no Per-, argh!”

As a younger sister who knows this struggle all too well: THIS IS REAL. Pretty sure 70% of my past teachers still think I’m called what my sister is called in fact.

Imagine Fred being called Percy by McGonagall accidentally and then he gets so offended that he refers to her by “Professor [insert any other name but McGonagall” for the rest of the year, costing Gryffindor a considerable amount of points one at a time.

From then on, she vows to just call them all Mr Weasley.

Until Ginny comes along and she calls her Mr Weasley by accident and Ginny “accidentally’ calls her Sir and it starts again.

It’s lightly off-topic but also slightly relevant but I have long cherished this mental image of Professor Snape saying something snappish to Harry in just the wrong tone of voice and Harry absentmindedly, wearily, and completely accidentally responding with, “Yes, Aunt Petunia.”

which would have all kinds of additional ramifications when you remember snape is the only one who knew petunia personally

He asks Harry to stay after class and straight up asks him “Am I truly that unpleasant?”

Okay, okay, okay, this is probably deeply off-track, but all I can think of is Harry––who upon learning that Snape, of all people, his pain in the neck potions professor knows his aunt––has now received what can only be called a psychic punch to balls. 

How, how, how, is a teenage boy supposed to rectify this, mentally? Connect these strange unjoined worlds to somehow explain that Snape––Snape!––knows his Aunt Petunia?

“It doesn’t make any sense, mate,” Harry tells Ron, blearily, desperately wishing at age thirteen years that his butter beer was a real beer. “It just––it can’t be. Why would he know Aunt Petunia?” Ron grimaces. “Why would he want to? I mean, I know he’s Snape, and all that, but––”

Harry writes his only letter back to #4 Privet Drive, dotted with tears, and it has one line: How do you know Severus Snape?

Petunia writes back: DO NOT MENTION THAT MAN EVER AGAIN. 

And this. This. Sparks a light in Harry’s head. This is the same way Petunia talks about celebrities who have deeply, personally offended her. Usually when she fancied them and then they got married. It’s so completely clear to him, now: Snape is deeply, irrevocably, utterly in love with Aunt Petunia. 

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Psychoanalysis Sunday

 Part 2 

Every time I read about Freud I wonder about the parents who sent their kids to him like, “yeah my son is totally acting strange because he wants to fuck my wife, makes total sense”. Like who tf were these people? And the answer is obvious:

It was Orion’s idea to send the boy to therapy. Normally, he would consider such an intervention ridiculous and unnecessary, but in the case of his youngest it seemed warranted. So now Regulus is sat on a cream chaise lounge, staring at the ceiling, across from Dr. Boring, with the PhD in Stupid Questions. “Do you often find yourself in competition for your mother’s affection?”

Regulus rolls his eyes. “It’s hardly a competition. Sirius barely even tries.”

“And yet, I gather, he is winning?” the analyst replies mildly.

Regulus gapes. “Well, yes, and honestly, what the fuck?”

“Mm.” Dr. Boring scribbles a note. Regulus narrows his eyes.

“And now here I am in therapy, when it’s Sirius who’s always causing trouble. Sirius is always fighting with mum. Sirius is the problem! You can write that down, please.”

“It’s important to you that I make note of that.”

“Well of course it’s bloody important. I am cracking the entire case for you, doctor, Sirius is the problem. He should be here. He’s an absolute nutter. You could write a book about all the things wrong with Sirius and you’d probably be famous for it.”

“I’m interested in you, Regulus.”

Regulus glares. “What for?”

“You are my patient.”

“But that’s the thing, I don’t have to be. You can tell mum and dad you think you need to see Sirius, right? Let him come here every bloody week and tell you about his problems so he can stop moaning to us about them, yeah?”

“You seem angry with Sirius.”

“I could bloody kill Sirius sometimes,” Regulus mutters. “No wait, hang on! Don’t write that down.” The analyst raises his eyebrows as he continues to write. “This is so stupid. I don’t know what father thinks this is supposed to accomplish.”

“What do you imagine your father wishes to accomplish?”

“Did you not hear me? Are you deaf? I don’t know.”

“You have no idea what your father’s motives might be?”

“Yes. That is what I said, yes.”

“Would you like me to tell you what your father wishes?”

“I would love that, honestly. Please.”

“I see.”

“Are–are you going to?”

“No. That’s our time. Thank you for coming in today, Regulus. I’ll see you next week.”

“Are you kidding me?”

@regulusarchieblack who encouraged this

Just wondering how many Wizarding teens had a confusing sexual awakening brought on by the pic of Sirius in the paper, laughing maniacally as his entire life falls apart around him. And teens just see this most dangerous man in the world and dream of getting kidnapped by him etc

@spindrifters :

He did. Check out Fanmail by @artemisia-black and weep (with laughter).

That fic is priceless 😂😂😂!

Thanks for the rec @annabtg and @blitheringmcgonagall ♥️♥️

One ten-page letter had written a poem about Sirius’s eyes. Calling them the stormy seas upon which the writer would happily drown.

Several letters asked about the possibility of conjugal visits, with one stating that she had,

‘…hung your mugshot on the ceiling above my bed. So you’re always on top of me…’

However, Kingsley’s particular favorite was briefer and straight to the point:

Dear Sirius Black, Those lucky dementors. What I’d give to suck your soul out. From, Laura

In the solitude of the lift, Kingsley allowed himself a chuckle as he tucked the letters into the front of his robes.

have just discovered the difference between an American frown and a UK/Irish frown thanks to @tackytigerfic and I’m really upset

I’m frowning internationally!!!

I saw it recently in this tweet and have been thinking of nothing else ever since.

Please know that when anyone frowns in my fics, it's all happening up top.

a new top/bottom discourse has emerged

okay i read this, reblogged it, and went back to the fic i'm currently reading and am now overanalyzing every use of the word "frown". pretty sure this is going to stick out to me forever with every fic i read from now on. thanks for that

I just want to lock Regulus “Brainwashed Pureblood Supremacist” Black and Petunia “Wizard Hater #1” Evans in a room together and let their siblings watch

Mythical

(barely barely nsfw)

"Remus, have you ever met a yeti?"

It took Remus a moment to realise what Harry had asked. He had been happily building a volcano for his homework, Remus couldn't work out where yetis came into things.

Raising an eyebrow at Sirius, Remus asked, "What do you mean, darling?"

"You do stuff with animals. Have you met one."

"Harry, babe, yetis aren't real!" Sirius tried to keep the tease out of his voice, he did…. He was just so surprised.

"Yes, they are!"

"No, they're not."

"Well, why not? If we can have pixies and centaurs and werewolves, why not yetis!" Harry's nine-year-old irrational fury started to leak through.

"Not all mythical creatures from stories are real, darling," Remus began, "like we have cerberuses but not orthruses, their two-headed cousins."

"Correct," chipped in Sirius, a smirk on his face, "the only two-headed dog around here is m-"

"Not the time, Pads."

.

@wolfstarmicrofic 151 words

…Lizzy

#this is so freaking funny (itspileofgoodthings)

via @dubiousculturalartifact

i think remus would walk into a 2005 olive garden knock off sopranos tuscan style kitchen and say the foulest most insulting thing about how ugly it is

sirius would smack his arm kinda look around and hum (doesn’t love it, maybe he’s kinda grimacing a bit)

james i think would love it like think it’s so cozy vibes, goes over and messes with the fake grapes and squishes them

and reg wouldn’t say a single thing but he’d look horrified and is still in the doorway

written for @wolfstarmicrofic prompt: monster

"Okay, this is serious,” Harry says as he receives the small helmet for Sirius’ motorbike.

“Oh, is it?” Sirius answers offhandedly.

“You know how you haven’t had a boyfriend for an eternity?”

That certainly calls his attention. Sirius gapes at his godson before a bubble of laughter escapes his throat. “Alright. First of all, by choice.”

“Hmm,” Harry replies in a particularly unconvinced tone that can only be acceptable when expressed so freely by children. “Well, anyway, I have this teacher…”

“No.”

“He’s really tall and really funny,” Harry goes on, “You’ll like him a lot.”

“Harry!” Sirius bursts out laughing. “You are not setting me up with your teacher!” 

“I’ve done the maths, alright?”

“What are you on about?”

“Listen, I’ve done it in my head.” 

Sirius sighs, “Oh, go on.”

“The chances of me getting a better grade in his class is a lot higher if you two get together.”

It prompts another wave of laughter. “Harry, no. This is ridiculous. Since when did you even have a bad grade?”

“I don’t,” Harry says haughtily. “It just never hurts to get higher grades.”

“Wow.” Sirius leans his hips on his motorbike for support. “James and Lily created a monster.”

But then Harry's face lights up and he's waving at someone behind Sirius. "Mr Lupin!"

"Hullo, Harry." A mild but deep voice says. 

When Sirius turns, he discovers the voice belongs to a tall and gorgeous gentleman with eyes like honey and the most pink lips he's ever seen.

"Hi. I'm Harry's teacher. You must be the famous Sirius," Lupin says with a smile. "Harry talks about you a lot. Nothing but compliments, of course. Isn't that right?" He throws Harry a wink. A wink. 

Sirius' brain fails to formulate a response within an acceptable amount of time so the teacher begins speaking again.

"Well, I'll best be on my way now. See you tomorrow, Harry. And nice meeting you… Mr?"

Sirius shakes his head, snapping himself out of his trance. "Just Sirius."

"Alright, just-Sirius. I hope I'll see you again."

And with that, he's off.

Sirius can sense the smugness from his godson beside him. He preemptively holds up his hand and says, “When’s your next PTA meeting?”

the highway to getting the hell over you

He just had to invite Lily to his birthday party.

Upon reflection, he won’t know why—or at least, won’t admit to it. But he justified it to himself with the inclusion of Gideon. If she came with her boyfriend, he would have little obligation to talk to her.

What he hadn’t accounted for was the possibility that Gideon and Lily would break up.

Equally short-sighted of him: not thinking about what Lily might wear to a club.

(A terrible misstep on his part because she came looking absolutely phenomenal. Even in her post-breakup state.

When he and Annie broke up, he looked like he’d lost several consecutive fights for weeks.)

“So Evans is single,” Sirius said as he sidled up next to him at the bar.

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dom who sticks their fingers down your throat, asks you a question, and laughs when you try to answer

Yes, yes, the dentist.  We’ve all been there.