One Tattoo Story a Day: Jacqueline the Raptor

I’ve been self harm free for over two years and I wanted to get a tattoo to incorporate my scars. I didn’t want to cover them because they are part of me and my story. I just wanted something to add to their uniqueness.

I fucking love Jurassic Park. Huge fan. Since I was a kid and I’ve always wanted a dinosaur tattoo. I decided on an elegant raptor because raptors have fierce claws they use to tear open their prey. And my leg looks like it’s met one or two raptors. It just seemed fitting.

The sitting was 6 hours. Done by Steve Malley at Jolly Octopus in Christchurch, NZ

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2K16 in Review

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I’ve had this blog for two years now and I’ve been doing a review at the end of each year. Just some highlights of the ups and downs to remind myself how far I’ve come in 365 days.

This year I continued my tradition of tagging my personal posts to make this review easier [About Me 2k16]

Here are the highlights: - Went to SFSF and hung out with amazing people, including Paget - Car got repossessed - Sold everything I owned and moved to New Zealand - Met Megan in person after being together for 7 months - Moved in with the most amazing flatmate ever, who would quickly become a good friend - Experienced my first earthquake - Learned to surf - Came out as Transgender - Got married - Moved in to a new house - My first May-July winter - Got a job - Quit that job - Found out that marriage just wasn’t gonna work for us - Moved back in with my flatmate on the beach - Met The Sun and fell in love - Got my dream job at Lush! - Celebrated my first summer holiday season - Ended the year looking forward to the future (and also v sick)

I’ve learned so much this year. I’ve met so many incredible people and I’ve grown so much. I’m blessed to be in such an amazing place in my life. I’m so stoked for the coming year.

And finally, shout out to the incredible people who have been there for me through everything and listened to all my drama and stayed unbiased and amazing, I love you all so very much.

@otahkoapisiakii || @bittersweet-bibliophile || @pictureswithboxes || @superfuckingbreq || @pagetbewbster || @maigonokaze || @living-on-melancholy-hill || @radically-ch-ill-vaine || @frogyell ||

Pretty much everyone at work is super hella about pronouns and me being out and proud as the Queer Unicorn that I am.

Every once in a while I’ll kindly remind someone and they’re like “Oh! Yep!” And then afterwards it’s a non-issue.

But there’s ONE girl who is just….exhausting. the first day we worked together I explained my pronouns and instead of just “okay” she tried to like…one up me? “Oh that’s cool. I have friends who use neutral pronouns. So I won’t have any problems”

But she’s NEVER used my pronouns?! And I’ve talked to her multiple times. And still, nothing. BUT she will jump on other people’s backs! “OH KIT! DID YOU HEAR HER SAY "SHE”?“

Yes. And that person automatically corrected herself without drama or a need to point it out AS YOU SHOULD.

Yesterday problematic girl comes in and hasn’t even clocked in and is like "Hey girl hey!” To which she immediately follows up with “Oh. I say that to my guy friends too. It’s gender neutral.”

I’m sorry naive cis girl. You don’t get to decide what I am or am not comfortable with you addressing me as.

I pulled her outside yesterday and had the “this is the absolute last straw” conversation.

Some of the highlights of her super defensive interruptions (while I’m trying to explain what gender dysphoria feels like and why it’s not cool to be misgendered)

“It’s so easy to use he or she when my MTF or FTM friends transition. But they is so hard!”

“Well I’m part of the LGBT community because I’m /sort of/ bisexual.” (What does that mean?)

“I used she before I knew your pronouns. So I just got in that habit” (we had only met at the group interview. So?)

“I’ve never met an agender in real life.” (I’m not agender? Also people are not A/AN agender??)

“I’m glad you got hired so I could have this learning experience” (literally 😒)

Fast forward to the rest of the day where she continued to say she/her and corrected herself a few times but in a really dramatic way to be sure I KNEW she was /trying/.

My manager said she’d deal with it if it kept happening bc it’s unacceptable and I should feel safe at work. So that’s the next step.

But also, WTF.

ALL THREE OF MY NEW TANKS CAME TODAY!!! 13/10 H*CKIN cute!! [Dog Rates Shop] || [LookHuman]

This snap pretty much sums up life rn. Work is hella amazing! Summer is here!! And I'm just living a dream. Snapchat: w00t4kit

So I forget about that time I published a book. But it came up the other day and a friend found it online today and apparently I have 5 star reviews on Amazon!?

I honestly haven’t seen any reviews, until now and they’re all so positive!

I’m speechless.

My coworkers are all really young and they've been teaching me Snapchat. Tonight I discovered Bitmoji (4 years late to the party) Anyway, I'm going to lose all my friends.

It's the hardest week of the year. And I already had a night terror and panic attack this morning. I'm grateful to have work and even a business trip this week as distraction. Meds will be kept nearby. Just gotta make it 7 days.

I've found the state of the world + social media to be utterly exhausting lately. I've just been trying to take care of myself. We had some massive earthquakes this week and my mind has been on that and taking care of those around me. I'm still around if you need me. I'm just taking a short breather. 💜

Election Day and Self Care

Hello my loves. The polls will open soon around America and in less than 24 hours we will have a clear picture of who will lead America for the next four years.

Seeing as I’ve already had some bad anxiety about everything, my loving partner has decided to plan a day of self care for me.

In doing so, I’m going to sign off of social media and my phone for the day.

I love you all and I hope you stay safe. Please take care of yourselves.

Sending love from the Southern Hemisphere. Xx

I love this so much.

Honestly, Facebook?

Had some in depth discussions about gender identity recently. Re-read the Gender book. Did a lot of thinking on the topic.

Conclusion: Being of the genderqueer variety is fucking exhausting.

Starting back on Ativan, Lexapro and Lamictal. Really not thrilled to have to take so many meds just to deal with my crippling anxiety but hopefully they work. Everything is so much harder to treat when you have complex dxs. Haven't even brought up the ADHD stuff. I'll focus on anxiety first.

"My brain is a dumpster fire" is probably the most accurate description I've heard lately. That and trying to describe your ongoing/untreated illness(es) as white noise. Because you've been going at it alone for so long you don't even know how to ask for help. You're totally fine with a daily pain level of 7/10 and the constant on-edge anxiety. You're used to the insomnia. The attention deficit. The apathy. The emotional void. It's become part of you. You've had it longer than you can remember. It's just who you are. I have brown eyes and my brain is a dumpster fire. It's fact not opinion. Medical care is so hard to attain, so we just go at it alone. Unmedicated. Undiagnosed. Living every day in a constant state of "this is fine". Complacency. It's what you have to do to survive. So you do. You push through. It's been worse. You've overcome worse. This isn't even that bad. You have to say it over and over to remind yourself. I'm tough. I've seen my fair share. This isn't something I can't handle. I'll manage. I'll survive. We're so used to drowning it out that it becomes white noise. It just is. We're not being stubborn. We aren't actively refusing treatment. We don't recognize it because it's always been there. It will always be there. It is part of who we are. My brain is a dumpster fire. Maybe...just maybe, I need help to extinguish the flames.