@blackbird-brewster / blackbird-brewster.tumblr.com
Stay safe, guys
it’s three taps anywhere on the screen on a smartphone!
This is important punks. Deadly important.
I’ve texted their hotline before. It was super helpful and even if it hadn’t been the amount of time you’re there can be enough to let your urges fade and stay safe.
If it keeps you from killing yourself it's not stupid. This applies to anything btw.
Bestie. How dare you leave “do not mock the life preserver…” in the tags.
Taylor Tomlinson, Look At You (2022) Netflix special
I hope it's not weird but i wanted to thank you for your post from 2023 about your birthday and life. It really saved me. I was at the end of my rope, I had spent hours trying to distract myself and ended up on tumblr searching #reasons to live. And your post came up. It helped so much. We're about the same age and I also planned to end it by my 20s. Meds and therapy haven't worked and I've dragged myself forward the past decade clinging to the hope it gets better...but it hasn't. But I also know I don't truly want to die, I just don't want to live in my current situation. It gave me such hope reading that you were able to explore your country and eventually find contentment and joy, all throughout such rough struggles. It made me cry, for a different reason! 😂 I haven't been brave enough to do the things you did like travel, but reading about your experiences makes me think, someday maybe I can too! Maybe there's a better place for me somewhere! So, thank you for sharing!! I hope you're still happy and well, and you keep your zest for life, have many more birthdays, and more experiences! And I saw that you write! May you create lots more fun works! I haven't draw in years but heck maybe it's time! Thanks again for the kind post and spark of resilience 💖
First off, thank you for sharing your story with me, Anon. I am infinitely glad that I get to exist in the same world as you.
I love that you can recognise the difference here 'But I also know I don't truly want to die, I just don't want to live in my current situation.' because that's such a HUGE realisation to have. I'm sorry your current situation isn't great right now, but that it doesn't mean it's going to suck forever.
In the meantime, I challenge you to pick up your artistic medium of choice today and draw something, anything. Just create something for yourself, it doesn't have to be finessed or perfect, it can just be a doodle…. just draw something for yourself today. See how that feels. Writing again has brought back my purpose in life, maybe drawing again might help you in the same way.
I am so grateful my post found you when you needed it most and I am humbled it has stayed with you. Keep it close because it really is true, it does get better. It will get better, even if it's only marginally, one step at a time, you will find your place in the world.
Until that happens, please know I'm rooting for you! I am cheering you on like a one-man band! If ever you feel like no one has your back, or that you are utterly alone in all of this, please know that's a lie because I'm right here, banging pots and pans together while screaming into the void YOU MATTER! I SEE YOU AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE! I AM SO LUCKY TO SHARE THE WORLD WITH YOU!! I AM SO PROUD OF YOU! YOU CAN DO THIS! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU! I LOVE YOU!
we DO grow old and happy. btw.
And you find love and it stays with you.
Older women are so, so beautiful, and older trans women are no exception. Celebrate the beauty of our elders! Celebrate trans beauty!
I wanted to share some more of these, specifically trans women of color. The images I'm posting are from a project called To Survive On This Shore and it's an interview project. I am only posting a handful so it's so worth checking out!
This is Linda, 60
Alexis, 64
Helena, 63
Kendrah, 72 (!!)
Tasha, 65
It was deeply healing to me to discover this project. The site has selected photos and attached interviews and it's definitely worth your time. I didn't include any because the focus of this post imo is transfems but there are a lot of beautiful interviews with transmasc people too if you're interested! But that'll have to be another post 💖
getting older can be so amazing? you get more familiar with yourself. learn tips & tricks for troubleshooting your own brain. trial & error helps you build routines that minimize discomfort, maximize reward. your preferences/interests don't get set in stone, but you do find out which ones are going to stay with you in the long-term, and which ones are fun but transient joys to appreciate in the moment.
you learn that the world is so much more complex than you were taught, and that that's okay, and that there's an endless supply of things you can learn or watch or experience or think about if you want to. if you're lucky, you loosen up, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. if you're lucky, you learn to recognize that negative inner voice, and whack it with a baseball bat until it hushes up. if you're lucky, you learn to treat yourself gently, not because you are fragile but because you are worthy of gentleness. (i hope you are lucky.)
and some things will change. some things will get better. some things will get good. and maybe you start to recover from the dehumanizing stress of childhood/education. maybe you learn the power of your own autonomy. maybe you learn how to walk away from bad situations (which is a superpower even if you don't realize it yet). and you get to choose your own clothes. and your own food. and which relationships to pursue! and what you do with your free time. and with your life (but don't worry you get to choose that gradually). and that's crazy! and sometimes scary. and extraordinarily, indescribably precious.
My 36th birthday is coming up on Monday and like every year past my 25th birthday, I always become so introspective this time of year.
The thing is, I never planned to live past 25. I even did my best to ensure that fate. When I came out of the coma, I was devastated to realise my OD hadn't worked. It was a gruelling year in and out of psych wards.
But then, one day, I turned 26. I wasn't sure what to do with myself, I'd never thought of about a life where I was 26. I got sober that year, got a whole bunch of help, went to therapy, got on meds. My life was still a fucking wreck, let me make that clear here -- I was homeless most of that year. Then, one day, I turned 27. I did so many cool things that year. I still lived in my car, I still struggled tons with my mental health, but I also did really amazing things like a cross-country road trip all by myself. Guess what happened next?! When I turned 28 it was from the safety of a brand new country. I'd been in Aotearoa barely three months when I turned 28. And for the first time since I turned 25, I thought "Maybe living is actually great. Maybe, living is worth it." Eight years later, Aotearoa is still my home. I still go to therapy regularly, I still take all my meds, I still struggle sometimes with my depression and anxiety. I've had plenty of ups and downs, I've suffered unimaginable traumas, but I've also lived so much life. I'm the happiest I've ever been and each new day makes me SO fucking grateful that I decided to keep living after that 25th birthday. Please, if you're struggling, if it feels like you've got nothing left to live for -- please know, you do. You can't see it yet, but your future is worth sticking around for. There is so much more happiness to feel, so many more reasons to celebrate, so many new people to meet, so many experiences to enjoy. It gets better, it really, really does -- you just have to stick around to find out.
hope is a skill
hope is a weapon you are trained to wield
favourite additions
You cannot hide this in the tags, bestie. This is too lovely to keep a secret.
Dear lonely, suicidal, 15-year-old me:
Someday, 30 years from where you are, you're going to drive home in your awesome purple car and walk into your very own house that you have been working on with your dad, and you're going to make some bubble tea flavored oatmeal and grab a Yoo-hoo from the fridge and flop back on the couch, and your cat's going to unearth himself from wherever he decided to nap so he can climb up on your chest and settle into purr for a while.
And you're going to tell him about your day, and the really cool game you just came from, but eventually you're going to just relax into silence and lean over to turn on the electric blanket that you bought with money you made from writing and making neat things for people to play with. And it's all going to click in your head at once and you're going to be hit with such a weirdly profound moment of peace that you're going to cry and feel the need to write all this down.
Things are going to be okay. Hang in there.
I work at the only independent book store in town. The store has been around in some shape or fashion for about 40 years and is a staple to our city. We mostly stock New Zealand authors and smaller published works. We also specialize is doing special orders for people. If we don’t have it in stock, we’ll do everything we can to get it for you (at no extra cost!) Friday morning my coworker answered the phone and it was only 5 minutes after we had opened, so I’m still enjoying my coffee and organizing my thoughts for the day. I overhear my coworker say the words “Coming out” and “lesbian”, so naturally my ears perk up. I see him start looking up some book called “Mom, Dad, I’m gay” and he’s talking to the customer on the phone about the possibility we may have something in stock. I step in because my coworker (as sweet as he is) is a heterosexual. He puts the customer on hold and explains the situation: “This woman’s 23 year old daughter just came out to her parents and the woman is looking for some sort of book to help her support her daughter being gay” I am grinning from ear to ear already because honestly how incredibly adorable is this? So he ends up telling the customer he has someone better suited to help her and hands me the phone. She introduces herself as Liz and tells me all about how her daughter just told them that she’s gay and all Liz wants is to better understand and do anything to support her daughter. “All I want is for her to be happy and find a partner that she loves.” I give her some book recommendations but mostly we just talk about what it means for her daughter to be gay in our city. Liz asks if our city is safe for “gay people” and if there are others around. I assure her that our city is super safe for LGBTQ people and we are PLENTIFUL. She tells me how her daughter is shy and she just wants her to be able to meet other gay people to hang out with. “She’s tried that Tinder app but I don’t think that’s really how she wants to meet people” I told her about some groups in town and also gave her resources for her and her husband to follow up on as far as supporting their daughter. I gave her my name and told her that coming out in 2017 as a 23 year old in our country is a LOT safer than my experiences coming out at 15 in a small Texas town. I thanked her for being so supportive of her daughter even if she admitted she “didn’t quite get it”. We ended up talking for over thirty minutes and I was basically just listening to this loving, amazing, parent seek help to better understand the ways she could support her gay kid. And holy shit, that was so refreshing. I told her if her daughter ever wants someone to talk to I’d be around and if Liz ever wants ot come in the shop and check out the books I recommended, I’d be there for her too. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life and the things I’ve lived through in regards to growing up Queer/Trans in small town Texas. I accepted so many things as “normal” that no one should EVER have to put up with for as long as I did. Ever since moving here, I haven’t been scared to just be me. I’m out and proud with everyone I know, including my job. I mean I wear trans pride shirts to work regularly and they are all supportive. I know the world is still fucked in regards to LGBTQIA rights and equality but I am so lucky to live in this country and this city and be around such amazing people. I hope Liz continues to support her daughter. And I hope her daughter finds happiness in her new genuine life.
I turned 35 a week and a half ago and it's been a huge milestone to celebrate and to also allow space for myself to grieve. My life is nothing like I expected, but I'm so very happy with where I'm at now.
Ten years ago, I was 25 and the thing is, my entire life up to that point...I never believed I'd live past 25. Never imagined a future. Never understood how other people my ago could. I spent the last six months of age 25 doing my damndest to make sure I didn't live past 25.
I was living in my car, I was incredibly mentally unwell, I was lonely, I was trying to get sober, and I had just lost pretty much everyone I ever thought cared about me. My best friend since childhood died a handful of days after her 24th birthday. I spent pretty much all of 2014 and a stint of 2015 in and out of the revolving doors of psych hospitals. It was the worst year of my life. (I know a lot of you were following me then and probably remember all that)
The day I turned 26 was horrible, because it basically felt like 'well fuck....what now?? I never expected to get this far'
At age 26, I decided to make a drastic change and I bought a one-way ticket to Aotearoa New Zealand. I was already homeless, so I didn't have much to bring with me, just a suitcase and two plastic tubs were all the possessions I owned in the world.
I hit some incredible lows in those first couple of years here. I went through unspeakable trauma that will always haunt the recesses of my mind. But even through ALL of that, I never self-harmed, I never became suicidal. And THAT was progress. I pushed through all of it and on the other side, I met Doom Them.
They have been my best friend and partner and my entire everything for five years and we are so stupidly happy together. They have some similar history to me, and this weekend they also turned 35. We survived unfathomable trauma to get to 35 and I am so so glad we DID survive, because otherwise we wouldn't be able to celebrate together now.
If you're in a low spot, especially in your 20s, here is my message to you:
Things get better. They really, really, do. Maybe only marginally, a little bit at a time, but there will come a day when you don't think of self-harm or suicide as an option. There will come a point where you will begin to heal. PLEASE stick around to get to that point. The world is so much better with you in it, even if it's hard for you to see that.
If you ever need a sign, this is it. If you ever need a friend, send me an ask. If you ever need a reminder that life really is worth living, please, please hear me when I say: I love you SO SO SO much. You are SO important and if you are struggling, I am INFINITELY proud of you. Take it one day at a time, shit if you have to, take it one hour at a time. But keep going. The other side is worth surviving for. You have so much to give to the world and it would be a darker place without you.
I love you. I'm proud of you. I see you. I am always here for you.
Girls love me because I am cute and autistic
Girls find me endearing because I can't figure out social cues so there's always something Off about me
Girls are attracted to my bizarre creature sounds I occasionally make
This is actually why I made this post, to show that people DO actually fall in love with the parts of yourself that others find unattractive
My friend does a Saturday family art project with her partner and their three kids. Today's prompt was 'draw someone you admire'
M (age 8) drew a picture of me and my partner without hesitation. 'I present you with ‘kit and [partner]’ because they are both beeeaaauutfil and they are such a great couple, aye mum?’
I am beyond flattered. It reminds me why it's so important for kids to be able to see different couples and different representation outside of heteronormativity. 🏳️🌈
I wanted to share some ridiculously cute pics of me and my partner to serve as a reminder that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being Queer and/or trans. You are valid and you deserve all the happiness in the world my loves!! There’s no wrong way to be Queer. Sexuality and gender are fluid. They evolve as we evolve. If you haven’t found your match, do not be discouraged. I have been through many failed relationships, many heart aches, but so much growth because of them. But I never settled for someone who didn’t love and accept all of me! Now I’m so madly in love and unprecedentedly happy. It Gets Better, please stick around to find out!!! Happy Pride!!
It's our FLEXIVERSARY*!! I cannot believe its been a yearish since we started dating!
This human is the most wholesome and beautiful person. Tonight's celebrations were at a five star restaurant where we spent two hours discussing how we can give back to the Queer youth of our community.
I am endlessly inspired and wowed by the heart and thoughtfulness of this woman. Every day is so perfect.
Cannot wait for all the adventures to come!!
*Flexiversary: A day to celebrate your love, with flexibility for whatever life throws at you. We have no idea the actual date or whatever we started dating. And we decided we dont care much. So each year, we will celebrate sometime around February with whatever our financial and life situation allows. No stress. Just happiness and joy.
Did you know that you're an amazing light in so many peoples lives? We've never met, but I always love seeing your updates become they're always so warm and genuinely give me hope.
AWWW!! Anon!! Thank you so much for taking the time to send this.
There is hope!! Hope for a better tomorrow, hope for your happiness, hope for the bees!! All of it! But you just gotta get through right now. Just stick around and wait for the goodness. It's there.
Will things ever be perfect? I can't say. But I know that it can always get better. Whatever your "it" may be.
If anyone out there needs a reminder, this is it.
I love you!! I'm so so proud of you for getting through today!!
I wanted to share some ridiculously cute pics of me and my partner to serve as a reminder that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being Queer and/or trans. You are valid and you deserve all the happiness in the world my loves!! There’s no wrong way to be Queer. Sexuality and gender are fluid. They evolve as we evolve. If you haven’t found your match, do not be discouraged. I have been through many failed relationships, many heart aches, but so much growth because of them. But I never settled for someone who didn’t love and accept all of me! Now I’m so madly in love and unprecedentedly happy. It Gets Better, please stick around to find out!!! Happy Pride!!
