Another thing that I'm frustrated about is that I keep seeing things about people finding sex/sexual actions/sexualizing others completely repulsive and abhorrent. I already come from a society and religion that strongly shames it, but it almost feels worse coming from a less culturally influenced and more anonymous, respectful perspective. This stuff isn't hateful and that's why it hurts. Seeing those things makes me feel disgusting for feeling or wanting anything like that, or wrong for wanting to be sexualized. I already have issues around feeling comfortable simply being near people, and now I feel so much worse. And seeing so many women talk about how they don't want their partners sexualizing them and would prefer to be "loved" instead. I understand there's a difference between objectification and love, and it makes sense to want to be with someone that loves you and doesn't JUST want your body. But the way it's communicated talks down on sexual attraction as a form of feeling/expressing love and again makes me feel disgusting or ashamed for wanting something that's seen as bad.

And the way I experience it, sexual feelings can only really be present if I feel some form of EMOTIONAL attraction or closeness, it could never be about a body, it's inherently romantic and spiritual and full of emotions for me. The last thing I'm fantasizing about is a literal physical body. I guess that would be disgusting. But it's not the way I experience sexual attraction and so I feel all this shame that I don't think is even meant for me, but hearing all of this makes me feel so bad about the feelings I have and the things I want.

It feels frustrating going through social media and seeing all these people who can comfortably make physical contact with their partner, who can make intimate jokes or even have just the comfort of being intimate. As a semi-closeted person in a closeted relationship in a country where it is socially wrong and also illegal, it's painful to see people enjoy that freedom. It's painful to also remember my friendships and acknowledge that I was more comfortable with my friends than I feel I can be with my partner, in terms of physical affection, because of our safety.

And it's really difficult to navigate a physical relationship in a relationship that is heavily based on text communication. It's especially difficult considering that putting our feelings and what we want to do seems uncomfortable and detracting from the experience, but how else do you communicate when you can't just - do - things?