Avant Gardener

Tonight I got to see the band who has helped me through everything. My favourite band in the entire world, Death Cab For Cutie. I can't explain the emotions I had tonight. I sang and danced and cried my little heart out. They were amazing.

My grandmother is dying. I'm having trouble dealing with this week and I'm not sure how I'm going to deal with the weeks to come.

Today has been shit. Hopefully soon I can pick myself up off the ground, draw on my brows and feel somewhat normal again.

How many times am I going to break down before this gets easier?

come talk to me? I’m v sad and v bored

http://punk-tuate.tumblr.com/ask

My eyes are so puffy I can't even open them properly. I don't even look like me

You know you're at a low when you're crying on your bathroom floor

I need to rant. I’m sorry about this text post but it’s just eating at me, you don’t need to read this. My grandmother has something called motor neuron disease. She has been diagnosed with this twice by two different doctors and isn’t accepting the fact that she is very sick. Now, I understand that this is part of the process. But she also fully believes that she just has a pinched nerve in her back and that’s all. She also whole heartedly believes that God is going to take care of this and take it away. Tomorrow morning, after a doctors appointment my grandmother is going to church to be “healed”. And this makes me so unbelievably angry. I understand that she is a religious woman, and I understand spirituality and faith can help you deal with such situation. But for a church to say “yeah sure! Bring your faith and your motor neurons over to us and we can heal you!” Is absolutely fucking disgusting in my opinion. She is sick, she is dying and she’s not taking any medication to keep her alive because the church has made her believe that she can be healed if she believes hard enough. What the fuck is my grandmother supposed to do when she realises the healing hasn’t worked? My grandmother needs to come to terms with this and fast. Or at least even come to the conclusion that God put doctors and medicine on this earth for a reason. Sorry for this bummer of a post but I’m emotional and just so angry. I can’t believe they can just take advantage of somebody’s beliefs. This is so frustrating and sad to watch for someone like me who doesn’t believe, much to her dismay. But someone I love is sick and putting all her energy into the wrong way of getting better or at least stalling the effects of the disease.

Can you have withdrawals from a person? Coming to the realisation that this is the first entire week in almost a year that I haven't seen you.

My heart hurts

I still haven't mastered the art of not crying over you. Simple things are still hard to do.

When does the crying stop? Cos I'm starting to piss myself off.