i remember when after my internship i wanted to get a job and my mom said "if you try to get a job while you're getting a degree you will fail, and don't come crying to me when you do" a part time job, mind you. and getting a job has been nothing but a huge benefit in every way. and when i made the decision to not get a library master's bc i don't want to be in libraries, yet she is still like coercively pushing me to get Some master's, she admitted "i agree a library degree isn't worth it anymore bc you've grown past it and you don't need that environment" and it was like oh, so you agree the decisions i made THAT GOT ME HERE were actually good in retrospect? how interesting. and who did i listen to? myself. i need to get out of here bc all she does is make me doubt myself and then say it in such a way that makes her sound correct and that i'm too stupid and naive to trust my own instincts

i feel terrible and scared of all the decisions i feel like i need to make for myself, moving out, what kind of full time job to even search for and career stuff generally, what to do with this guy i have come to care about, etc... but i was looking at myself in the mirror and i was thinking about how doing lifestyle changes and figuring out stuff on my own, like i don't really have acne anymore (and it was Bad) and my hair looks nicer kind of and i feel prettier and i feel like i can take care of myself somewhat, i think i trust myself slightly more (tho that is still hard), and i was thinking about how i had to come to all this myself, like my family never really taught me how to take care of myself, and at the very least, i feel like all the choices i've made for myself - love life aside - have actually been positive for me. even in these painful man situations, i at least have learned things, this current guy Has helped me feel better about myself just bc he seems to like me & i can be myself and feel like ok myself is someone that people can want to keep around in some sense (cuz he seems to not want me to stop talking to him). and even that shit aside, it's just funny comparing things my mom tried to either convince me to do or not do, and i made my decision, and had to fight with her judgement or literal anger for everything, bc she thinks she knows best, but everything i've done has been a benefit to me. i'm really hoping these bigger decisions will also be good for me

i have been having this deep feeling of needing to move out, and i'm hoping and praying that i am able to both hold onto the motivation and drive, bc being at home kind of crushes all these feelings. whenever i visit my friend for a few days i feel much more like a capable person (even with my struggles) than i ever do at home, even tho i'm more independent than i used to be. i want to just take care of myself for a while. unfortunately if i start planning this i will get severe push back from my mom as usual, bc she wants me to get some random master's degree first and is acting like i won't survive without one. so she's great at making me feel like i'll be okay and that i'm capable of making my own decisions

part of the reason i'm upset about the thought of dilf not being in my life, such as it is, anymore is bc i'm intending to try to move out at some point ideally within the next year, get full time job, try to live independently, and all that is terrifying on it's own, and it's not like i don't have my sibling for help, but being able to talk to the man is just very comforting, even if he doesn't know what to say all the time. idk, maybe it doesn't matter, it's not like he's physically even with me but idk. he's also like the only person i want to be talking to who will respond pretty quickly, or at least frequently, generally. i was talking to him when my cat died and that helped a little bit, i was glad he was talking to me anyway. i like him so much this situation feels so unfair to me, and it's unfair he didn't have a conversation with me after his ex left saying definitively what he wanted from this and what was gonna happen, if he knew then. he just said a lot of "i don't knows" then, which would have been understandable, but he never told me after like "here's what's for sure gonna happen", and i guess it's my fault for not asking. i think we both want to keep talking so we're avoiding the conversation. i just don't understand why he wants to talk to me. not that i don't want him to, i just don't get what he's getting from this if not even pussy

i honestly wonder how i would approach these situations with guys i like if i was more attracted to people. it's so infrequent for me that getting attached to someone that it probably won't work out with is devestating bc in part i'm like, it could take another year and half before i find someone else JUST attractive, without forcing myself to feel it. and they might not even like me back at all! these rare men! like if i didn't use those other random guys as dating practice, and only went on ones i Wanted to be on, i would not have been on any date at all besides the one with this man. and i think it's in part why i might overlook bigger incompatibilities bc i'm like "this is a very very rare chance for me" and i'm just so tired of not getting sex (which i don't want with strangers) & intimacy and emotional closeness with and etc. i'm just alone all the time, and the idea of having a romantic partner is comforting to me, when i go through life's scary shit, it's comforting in a way it isn't with my friends/family being there for me, i don't know why.