The home of chicken & waffles & whatever.

I cannot express how jarring it was after being raised by a "Porn Addiction Coach" to get into a relationship with a woman and come face to face with the fact that she did actually want me to sexually desire her.

Like, in Evangelical Purity Culture, male desire was basically poison. It was a threat. It was this constant temptation that would destroy everything. And even after leaving, in the sort of queer, feminist spaces i spend most of my time in that wasn't something that pretty much anyone was spending time actively dissuading me from feeling.

But my desire is good. It's not something that I'm being accepted in spite of. It's a positive thing. It's a bonus. Not even just vanilla stuff, all the stuff I'd convinced myself were these weird terrible desires that were shameful to have.

It honestly took me over a decade to fully accept that. To stop dissociating during sex and confront that I was, in fact, being a massive perv and that was fantastic and preferable and that I could accept that into my self-image without shame or self hatred.

But it's important to do. It's important to leave relationships that don't welcome that part of you. To know that your sexuality is valuable and valid and worth owning and celebrating. Because the alternative is just...not being. Either existing as yourself and repressing the part of your identity that is sexual or allowing that sexuality to exist but turning off your self while it does.

@kisstheashes

Oh don't worry, I didn't make it out of Evangelical Purity Culture thinking that girls had it peachy or anything. Our experiences are different, but both bad.

I have seen a lot of content about E.P.C. that very firmly centers the ways that purity culture dovetails with rape culture, the ways that women and women's bodies were held responsible for the actions of men, and the ways that their own sexuality was erased under the burden of being cast as the pure, moral, oppositional force to the depredations of male sexuality. This is in no way meant to diminish that.

It is meant to focus on a part of this dynamic I don't see commented on nearly as much though. In purity culture, men are perpetrators. A good man doesn't radiate goodness, it's more that he's managed to contain the inherently evil toxicity that is his sexuality and hasn't let it harm everyone around him as it naturally will if unchecked. When I look for other stories like mine, I already see stories by and for women, and a lot of them... haven't really challenged those core assumptions about men. Which means that I can't really find comfort and solidarity there.

The narrative I've run into a fair bit is "I was taught women were responsible for managing men's horrible, evil sexuality, but I've learned that we're not. Men are responsible for managing their own horrible, evil sexuality." I very rarely run into specific positivity for masculine sexuality when I'm in circles discussing purity culture, because frankly, there are plenty of people who feel that masculine sexuality isn't stigmatized enough.

So yeah. I was specific about gender for a reason. Not because I don't understand other people's positions, but because while I do, I don't see so much stuff addressing my specific situation. So I figured I'd make some of the positivity I myself need.

In short: Not dismissing the harm done to women by Evangelical Purity Culture, this one was just more about my experience as a dude.

This is a really important thing to talk about, and I'm going to add that this is a significant way in which TERFism and its attendant dogwhistles dovetail with Evangelical purity culture, ie: the idea that evil bad predatory behaviour is stored in the penis. TERFy fearmongering about trans women being fundamentally dangerous derives from exactly the same toxic, fucked-up view of male sexuality - and of male existence - espoused by Evangelism: that all men are biologically predisposed to predation, violence and other sexual evils, such that they can't ever really be trusted.

It's a difficult thing to talk about, because demonstrably, gender-based violence directed against women by men is a widespread problem! But it doesn't follow that a majority of men are bad by default; rather, it's that many have been trained to entitlement and bad behaviour by patriarchal systems and misogynist ways of thinking, which are both things we have the power to change.

Attemping to affect this change and bring about equality is the core conceit of feminism, and we can see, very demonstrably, that it works. So if you fall into the gender-essentialist trap of believing that men are bad fundamentally, whether because of Evil Biology or Original Sin, then you're not only saying that the long-term goal of feminism is impossible; you're functionally agreeing with every disgusting, sexist rape-apologist who brushes off assault and misogyny as "boys will be boys" and "men are just like that." You cannot hope to hold bad men accountable for their actions without acknowledging the existence of good men; that their misdeeds aren't synonymous with their masculinity, but are rather choices they specifically have made.

So while it's crucial to call out the ways in which women suffer from sexism and gender-based systems of violence and to name the misogyny inherent in their perpetuation, it's also important to show how these systems are unnatural: that, rather than representing some default state of cruelty to which all men naturally revert, misogyny is instead taught - and that the teaching itself, while offering contextual authority to men, can also be harmful to them.

it is annoyingly hard to get men to play with my boobs when i want them to do that because i keep bagging sweet guys with great consent game and then they're like 'oh no don't worry those are yours and im going to be so polite about them! im a good boy :)' and it's like. thanks, that's great, but we are actively fucking. the rules are a little different once i grab your penis. there is in fact a special time and place where you get to maul a pair of tits like an 18 wheeler mauls a possum. and this is in fact that very event. once you demonstrate that you take no for an answer, rest assured that the answer can also be YES.

Amen!

Oooohohoho, yeah, I can do this.

To answer the question, and to summarize it as pg as possible, not half as bad as I’ve seen it written out to be. They would communicate. They would check in. They’d make sure the other isn’t in pain, or out of their depth, or freaking out. These things are important, and they’d know that. Personally, I’ve got a bit of a bone to pick, because I know fiction is fiction, and fantasy is fantasy, but oh wow, I’ve seen a lot of bad anatomy in porn. Specifically what’s to be expected of a first time, because sex for the first time does not have to be half as bloody or agonizing as you’ve heard it to be. If you prepare and communicate, it will be okay. Also, like… don’t have sex with someone you think isn’t going to listen to you if you say ‘that hurts’ and just keep going. Don’t do that to yourself, and don’t do that to anyone else. 

Here though, I’m going to be talking about vaginas and hymen. That seems to be the area of most confusion. 

First: A hymen is a membrane that surrounds and somewhat covers the entrance to a vagina. It’s not a solid membrane. There’s plenty of different types of hymen, but they all have a hole, or holes. Like, consider- if a person is going to be having their period, how the hell would that happen if there’s no place for the blood and tissue to come out? IF a hymen does completely cover the vaginal opening, it’s called an imperforate hymen, and it’s a congenital anomaly. Translate: A problem that is usually resolved by surgery. It should not completely cover the vagina. (If I thought I could get away with it I’d add a diagram but I really want this post to stay up.) Second: A hymen opens up over time. Sports, insertive masturbation, general activity- these all stretch the hymen naturally (horseback riding in particular, apparently, is really good for this, though I couldn’t fathom why.) Also, remember how I said insertive masturbation (fingers/dildos/et all?), same concept applies to period products: if a person uses a tampon, they are helping to stretch their hymen. Third: Assuming that a person does not have any physical anomalies AND their hymen has stretched naturally over time, a person should not gush blood the first time they have insertive masturbation or sex. There may be some spotting, but it should be manageable. If there is excruciating pain- and I mean excruciating pain- stop. Give it a break. Try again later. If pain persists, talk to a doctor. There may be something going on- and it might not even be with the hymen. Maybe it’s a low-hanging cervix. Maybe it’s vaginismus. Maybe it’s something else. Whatever the case, talk to a doctor. 

Fourth: Jesus fucking christ don’t ram shit into a vagina. Take time. Dick, dildo, fingers, tampon- whatever, you need to take time. Listen to the body. If there is pain on the receiving end, or resistance on the giving end, check in. Go slow. And if it doesn’t happen that day, then it doesn’t happen that day. Use a pad. Use a vibrator. Mutually eat eachother out or whatever- it doesn’t matter- but like, don’t ram shit in there. That’s how people get hurt.

People with vagina’s have already been conditioned to assume that sex is just going to be painful, that it won’t be fun, that at bare minimum the first times are terrible and that’s just what to expect, and that’s a fucking shame, because it doesn’t have to be that way.  Bonus: There’s a plethora of different types of birth control beyond just condoms. There’s the pill, there’s Plan B, there’s spermicide, there’s diaphragms, there’s IUDs- the world is your oyster. Pick whatever works best for you and go from there. 

So yeah, anyway, this has been Hymens 101. Bodies are weird. Go have fun.

I should also like to add that Shadow probably has more stamina than Amy, so most likely, she'd climax before he did, unless maybe he had so much pent-up sexual energy that he desperately needed a release.