All Aboard the Nope Train: NOPE NOPE CHOO CHOO

omg but imagine if da:i was just the kirkwall crew playing dnd

- Varric is DM; also exports his main campaign character from a previous game for exposition purposes. He has a grand plot lined up with ancient elven gods, breaches into the fade, demons everywhere and the fate of all the world in danger. After a six pack of beer he ends up resurrecting an enemy from the previous game & letting the characters wail on him instead because none of them are taking the plot seriously enough to deserve it

- Hawke rolls a MASSIVE QUNARI WARRIOR who is as subtle as a charging bull, bashes in skulls, loves dragons and doesn’t afraid of anything. They proceed to interrupt game play for the next four hours demanding more dragons. Varric ends up scrapping perfectly good encounters he spent hours planning and substituting them with dragons just to pacify Hawke, and it fucking works.

- Aveline comes with a Grey Warden recruiter with a mysterious past, working to redeem himself for crimes in his youth. She is very proud of this noble soul and put a lot of hours into his backstory. Nobody once asks her character about it, even with Varric trying to throw her a plot-related bone every now and then. Maker, her friends are scrubs.

- Merrill rolls an elven apostate following extensive discussion with varric about the setting and spends the entire campaign giggling to herself every time the word ‘wolf’ comes up. literally nobody cottons onto her plot until the end of the game, where she triumphantly reveals her Hidden Past and the entire table collectively flip their bowls of nachos and start yelling. Merrill is the DnD master.

- It’s Bethany’s first game, and she nervously presents her character: a sweet Fade spirit out of place with a history of murder-shanking. She has a lot of fun playing with meta-game commentary and although she occasionally breaks the 4th wall she does it in a neat enough way that nobody comments on her rookie mistakes.

- Anders… isn’t great at original character creation, and everybody internally rolls their eyes when he announces his character is a bookish vain mage. Anders hotly defends himself by pointing out this one has no feathers. His plotline however reveals that what he lacks in OC-making skills, he makes up for in raw emotional manipulation. Hawke repeatedly rolls to have their Qunari seduce the mage.

- As soon as Anders announces his character creation, Fenris announces that he’ll be playing a pro-circle mage just to piss Anders off. He actually ends up having a lot of fun, mostly watching Anders turn interesting shades of red every time his character says ‘… dear.’

- Carver got dragged into the game by both his siblings and tells everyone who will listen that it’s for a bunch of fucking nerds. He rolls a mighty warrior, all rippling muscle and steel honour code, and when Varric gently reminds him that he’s not supposed to roll himself reluctantly makes the warrior female. By the end of the game he’s writing fanfiction about his battered warrior and after a six-pack of beer, will do her accent. Hawke quietly records this for posterity, because Hawke’s an older sibling and this is what older siblings do.

- Isabela wasn’t gonna play until Varric showed her the DnD guide to rp-ing sex. She found a preset sheet for an elven archer, made her a lesbian, gave her a a truly amazing vocabulary and a robin hood background, and spends most of the game trying to roll for seduction on her friends’ female characters. She provides the beer and her suggestions for the Orlesian masquerade ball both utterly derail Varric’s careful plot, and end up providing the best game night the group have ever had. She’s a fuckin’ treasure. She’s also the first person to roll a natural 20 attempting to shove a bed off a roof.

I could not love this any more than I do.