Something I've been thinking a lot about recently is the way that so many people want to be "freaks" but like, in socially acceptable ways. I think that's a big reason why there's all this self-policing in marginalized communities. Because "sure, I'm a fan, but I'm not THAT kind of fan. I'm queer, but I'm not THAT kind of queer. I'm kinky, but I'm not THAT kind of kinky. Stop being a true freak, you're making the rest of us look bad!" And like, that's the thing though. A freak is an outcast. And yeah, you can find your people among your fellow freaks, but you're not going to fit into society as a whole. They're going to think you're a weirdo, or amoral, or gross, or any combination of negative things.
The reason that I've been thinking about this so much is that I want to embrace ALL of me, and that includes the parts of myself that don't fit into what our society has deemed as acceptable. I want to accept my facial hair, my fatness, my daddy kink, my love of twisted fantasies, the aspects of my neurodiversity that annoy other people. That longing to be free and whole is always butting up against my longing to be palatable to others. Yet I will never be free as long as I am censoring myself, even in spaces where I might find community. Sometimes I find myself censoring myself in my own journal! That's how deep this can go.
So I guess what I'm saying to myself and anyone else that might be struggling with this, is that letting your freak flag fly might be scary, but it's worth it. You do not need to water yourself down so that other people think you're a "socially acceptable freak." There's no such thing, my loves.