Duke: today i saw tim crying for five minutes until his alarm went off and he just... stopped crying and went back to work
Dick: wow
Tim: it’s called time management
The Batfamily As Soap
Dick Grayson:
Jason Todd:
Tim Drake:
Damian Wayne:
Duke Thomas:
Bruce Wayne:
Alfred Pennyworth:
Stephanie Brown:
Cassandra Cain:
Barbara Gordon:
Barbara: dumbest scar stories, go!
Cassandra: I burned my tongue once drinking tea.
Stephanie: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it.
Dick: see this little scar on my arm? I got that when Damian dug his nails into my arm during a scary movie.
Damian: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade.
Jason: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and I got a really bad burn.
Duke: I have a few scars on my arm from crashing my skateboard.
Tim:
Tim: I have emotional scars.
Jason: way to kill the mood.
Bruce: *says something motivational during a battle*
Duke and Stephanie, eating chips in the back of the batmobile: yeah guys, kick it’s ass.
[at a restaurant]
Dick: Man, this turkey sandwich is so good. I’m so glad we came here.
Jason: I know, the food is always great here, and it’s great value.
Damian: You guys are so positive, it’s great. I know some people that are negative and they can’t see anything good in anything, and people like that just aren’t very pleasant to be around.
Tim: you guys, I’m right here…
Damian: what?
Tim: I said I’m right here. You guys are talking about me like I’m not here and I don’t like what you’re saying about me.
Jason: Tim, I don’t think he was talking about you.
Tim: How can he not be?! You guys know how much I hate sandwiches and love being negative!
Dick: I didn’t know you hated sandwiches…
Tim: I’m eating soup, Dick, and it’s like 100 degrees outside!
Dick: that makes sense…
Damian: I’m not talking about you, Tim.
Tim: promise?
Damian: promise.
Tim: Sorry guys, I don’t wanna be that guy who’s always so prideful and not willing to back down, and probably pops up his collar…
Dick: you guys, I’m right here!
Tim: Dick, I didn’t mean you…
Dick: I can’t help it that I’m more confident than you guys! Sure, I’m physically built as if Michelangelo chiselled me from stone, but don’t put that on me!
Tim: Oh, so you’re a little cocky. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Dick: And the truth comes out — you know what? Most of the time I’m just acting confident to hide my insecurities! I don’t wanna be the guy who’s overly sensitive about everything…
Barbara: *gasps* I’m right here!
Damain: do we know you?
Barbara: you don’t remember me?!
Damian: oh, Barbara! You’re not the type of person we normally forget…
Duke: guys, I’m right here!
Jason: how long have you been there?!
Duke: I drove you all here!
Jason: I remember being driven here by a faceless blob…
Duke: Yeah, yeah, I know. I was voted most forgettable in my high school. Didn’t end up in the year book, they forgot, but at least I’m not one of those people who steals food from other people’s plates!
Damian: *whilst stealing food from Jason’s plate* Duke! Dick’s right there!
Tim: Wait! We have to go, the movie starts soon. It looks like we’re gonna have to take main-street, the cops just shut down the freeway because they’re looking for a homicidal maniac.
Jason: guys! I’m right here!
Tim: okay, Damian is right over there.
Duke: Dick, hand me a flash bang
Dick: oh. Right. Um, about that...
[Damian starts walking away]
Tim: hurry up, he's getting away!
Dick: I don't have any...
Duke: I told you to grab them!
Dick: yeah, I wasn't really listening...
Duke: what?!
Tim: World's. Worst. Team. Leader.
Duke: let's not argue semantics!
Dick: that's not what that word means.
Tim: does anybody have a fucking grenade?!
Dick: I gave mine to Jason.
Tim: you what?!
[Jason tosses a grenade right in front of himself]
Jason: fire in the hole!
Everyone: Jason! No!
[static emerges from all their helmet cams]
Dick: just tell them we're Robins
Duke: tell them we're what?
Jason: out of control teenagers with a death wish.
Duke: can you help me with my maths homework?
Jason: sure, just use the formula y=mx+b to calculate how downhill your life is going
Jason: all right, fine. If you guys won't help me, I guess I'll just get myself off.
Dick:
Tim:
Damian:
Duke:
Jason: context. Context was important on that one.
Bruce: who broke the coffee maker? I'm not mad, I just want to know.
Dick: I did. I broke it.
Bruce: no. No, you didn't. Jason?
Jason: don't look at me. Look at Damian.
Damian: what?! I didn't break it.
Jason: huh. That's weird. How'd you even know it was broken?
Damian: because it's sitting right in front of us and it's broken.
Jason: suspicious...
Tim: if it matters, probably not, but Stephanie was the last one to use it.
Steph: liar! I don't even drink that crap!
Tim: oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?
Steph: I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Tim!
Dick: ok, let's not fight. I broke it. Let me pay for it, Bruce.
Bruce: no! Who broke it?!
Duke: Babs has been really quiet.
Barbara: really?! Oh my god!
[everyone starts arguing]
[offscreen]
Bruce: I broke it. It burned my hand so I punched it.
Bruce: *glances behind him at the people arguing*
Bruce: I predict ten minutes from now, they'll be at each other's throats with war paint on their faces, and a pig head on a stick.
Bruce: good. It was getting a little chummy around here...
[playing scrabble]
Duke: I will put down my 'A' to make 'A'
Dick: I will add on to your 'A' to make 'AT'
Damian: I will add on to your 'AT' to make 'RAT'
Tim: I will add on to your 'RAT' to make 'BIOSTRATIGRAPHIC'
Jason: *flips the board*
Jason: oh no, whirlwind!
Duke: this is insane!
Dick: you call it insane, we call it Tuesday
Duke:
Duke: it's Thursday
Bruce: alright, listen up, you little shits
Bruce: not you, Duke. You're an angel and we're thrilled you're here
Dick: [to Duke] would you like to stay for dinner?
Bruce and Alfred: *from the distance* would you like to stay forever?
[at Batfamily dinner]
Damian: I just want you to know, every time I say these three words I mean them more and more
Damian: you all suck