I will forever talk about the boy with loopsided smile and breathy laugh, about the boy who loved huge sweaters with ripped jeans, the boy who talked with soft and gentle words and when he sang stars spilled from his lips, about the boy with big hands that got sweaty easily because of the embarrassment, the man who tried to turn his sleepless nights into story telling sleepovers,the boy who wrote a song for his puppy because how much he loved her, the boy who cried every concert of gratitude and love for every light in that ocean that cheered for his group, the boy who arrived to his brother’s concert bathed in merchandise and screamed for them with pride, the boy that told everyone that it was ok to hurt, to be weak and to fall. And the boy asked the moon if he could paint a small piece of her heart, and the moon saw so much beauty in his soul, that the moon fell in love with the boy too.

That night the whole moon changed color.

sulli’s death hit me kinda hard, weirdly, i was never a fan of hers (not because i had anything against her i’m just not really a fan of any celebrity) although i did think she was the prettiest girl idol in the industry. this is a long incohrent ramble but i guess it’s because she was so young and whether we like it or not celebrities symbolize certain things through their actions and image, and sulli in many ways did not fit the box of a typical korean idol. in fact she hasn’t been an idol for a long time and was one of the few who were outspoken about the way people consumed her as a woman in the entertainment industry. sulli did have a history of scandals, (chronologically) most notably dating a guy who was twice her age, strange photoshoots, not wearing a bra and speaking on television about why refuses to wear a bra, apparently taking classes on feminism at a women’s university etc. i don’t really follow celebrity news so i only know the gist of things but she definitely was always a topic of discussion, even in korean feminist forums. this may just be my opinion but i think a lot of what she went through over the last couple of years were closely related to what the majority of young korean women went through: realizing the criticisms we face happen specifically because of our gender, the limitations and constrictions of womanhood etc. obviously i don’t know what really went through her mind but she definitely had something to say and was brave enough to show it. what i do know is that people didn’t take her seriously, and her actions always resulted in even harsher sexual harassment. the reports and reactions to her death were appalling on so many levels and they really reflect how she was taken by the public. her death was reported even before the police confirmed it and before the confirmation got to her family. journalists just took it and ran with it for shock value and views. some of the articles of her death actually began with sentences like “no-bra advocator sulli committed suicide”, like r u serious… and of course the people in the comments are like “well now i can harass her and not get sued for it lol” or blaming korean feminists for apparently driving her to her own death. i don’t know how sulli’s image was consumed by foreign fans, but whenever you typed in sulli’s name in korean portal sites you’d get results like “sulli nipple” and other nasty shit like that. apparently people knew she suffered from depression and she spoke about it publicly too. its just insane to me how malicious people can be, how disgusting journalism is, they genuinely have no respect and think they’re allowed to do whatever hidden behind internet anonymity. and its soooo obvious that girl idols go through the shit they do because they’re women. renowned boy idols are literally dealing with illegal drugs, sex trafficking, making a shit ton of money off of it, yet the police let them free and 6 months later they’re on television again. while girl idols suffer from their ex boyfriends threatening to release their spy cam sex tapes, they get men burning their photos for reading a book on feminism. sulli’s death is obviously tragic and no one will ever know the personal details behind her suicide, but the context of her death as a korean woman celebrity makes this situation so much sadder and infuriating.