the witcher characters rated on their sluttiness

truly nonnie!!! i tend to thirst about the women but all of the men are so gorgeous too!! honestly the casting directors just went off with this series istg. so to celebrate their beauties i, a completely biased observer, am going to rate their sluttiness. you didn’t ask for this and i don’t even know what sluttiness really means, so this is probably the best idea i’ve ever had.

first off, triss merigold. why? because i love her. she loves walking hooded through the woods with no particular purpose just in case she finds a witcher roaming around. loves dramatic entrances and takes herself too seriously. she thinks she’s super tough but the puppy eyes jump out whenever she sees someone she likes. and she likes everyone. sluttiness: 4/10 (adorableness: 10/10)

sabrina glevissig. does it need to be said. sluttiness: 10/10

yennefer of vengerberg. our gorgeous leading lady. baffling. lights up entire rooms when she smiles and destroys with her sweet kiss. don’t call her pretty though or she’ll cut your balls off. do not mess with her or you’ll end up being used as a living torch. sluttiness: i’m too scared to rate

tissaia de vries. she could turn me into one of her eels and i’d be thankful. the simon cowell meets gordon ramsay of the witcher. hobbies include turning around dramatically to prove a point without having to actually verbalise it and sprawling on sofas. sluttiness: 9.99/10

filavandrel. his kingdom includes one elf and a mangoat. pointy ears make him look refined. girls are in love with his hair. a true king of a cover magazine. owns one shawl. sluttiness: 9/10

poker face cahir. occupation: villain (temporary). not a very good one tho. has a very weird and unsettling fight scene with himself involving breathplay that pushes his sluttiness meter up. sluttiness: 6/10

fringilla vigo. a babe. a murderous one. still a babe. pissed and dangerous. her glares do the killing for her. sluttiness: 7/10

the dryads. magnificent. incredible. a vision from heaven. completely inappropriately dressed to live in a forest. use loose sandals to climb up tress and walk over rocks. they are the ultimate badass or masochists, only they know which. sluttiness: 9.7/10

DAMMIT THIS PAIR. THIS BLOODY PAIR. i understand why cintra is the jewel of the north. i’d surrender to them too. let the queen and her himbo husband take over my empire or whatever. gilf power is what they have. sluttiness: 11/10

istredd. THIS man good god. the beard does do him a favour. dammit. the first outfit tho and the super light eyes were creepy af. sluttiness: 7.98/10

goddammit vilgefortz. you weren’t supposed to be pretty you lil shit. mahesh jadu more like majestic jadu if you get my drift. just this picture exudes more sensuality than any of those dior commercials. but please triss don’t call him daddy again or i will start crying. sluttiness: 20/10

don’t get me started on jaskier. what other show could pull off this immortal, slutty, slutty bard that likes to wear his doublets undone for the sake of it with the face of a baby and no refrain whatsoever. sluttiness: 250/10