petition to remake all of the twilight movies where everything is the same except that bella is played by john mulaney who has not been given a script and just has to deal with these circumstances as they come.

john: (walks into the classroom)

edward: 

john:

don’t u mean

Mr. Collins: *proposes*

Elizabeth:

modern greek mythology adaptation where hades and persephone are played by john mulaney and his wife

She’s hades, he’s Persephone

Oh no, no. John Mulaney is 100% Hades.

And from what we hear about her, she’s very Persephone.

“So, I meet this wonderful lady. Just fantastic, my heart does that thing where it’s skipping beats, and I - all of you think I’m going to talk about how I suavely asked her out, and that is not what happened. 

“I ride up in my chariot, and the first - this is literally the first thing I say to her is ‘do you want to meet my dog’?

“And this - I - this is a sign that this woman is my soul mate - she looks at her friends hanging around and says, ‘sure, catch you later, guys’.

“I’m going to skip forward here a couple of dates - no, don’t - this is not the story of how my wife met my dog - and her mom - her mom - finds out she’s seeing me. Now I know everyone jokes about how a girl’s dad is this big, hulking - going to hunt you down if you’re dating his daughter and he doesn’t like you. But if you say that, it’s because you’ve never had some girl’s mom glaring up at you from like - her mom’s like two inches taller than her, so this little furious glare from around my chin area, saying her daughter’s not allowed to come see me anymore.

“And this - okay, this is when I knew I was going to marry this girl, she looks at her mom and, cool as anything, says, ‘Too late, mom. I met his dog, ate dinner over here. I’m staying’.”

WAIT…so does that mean….Petunia is Cerberus?

FUCKING YES!!

John Mulaney Wins Outstanding Writing for a Variety Special for John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City

I would’ve killed to have been at John Mulaney & Annamarie Tendler’s wedding

This is the first time I’ve seen John Mulaney in anything other than a suit and my brain is having trouble processing it

He dresses like he wants Tan from Queer Eye to be proud of him tbh

he’s dressed like the rockin twink he would have been going down on 

please take a moment to appreciate the whole setup of this interview. there is so much RAW energy here i don’t even know what kind

Once again, Annamarie Tendler being not funny.

John Mulaney is the only bitch I respect on this earth

Y’ALL

HE WON AN EMMY

JOHN WON AN EMMY

JOHN FREAKING MULANEY WON AN EMMY

That is all…

John Mulaney’s wife makes Victorian lampshades and Andy Samberg’s wife is a harpist. The moral of the story is that if you want to marry a cute comedian you need to take up an obscure hobby that you then make a career out of. I’ve decided to take up basket weaving.

IN THE END CREDITS OF KID GORGEOUS JOHN HAS ANNA LISTED AND IT SAYS “TO ANNA WHO MAKES EVERYTHING BETTER” WE LOVE A HEALTHY AND LOVING RELATIONSHIP

that tall child looks terrible wonderful!

— John Mulaney

Excellent point.

John Mulaney woke up with amnesia once and never told anyone because he was too worried about being rude

John Mulaney: Kid Gorgeous at Radio City (2018)