Calvin’s snowmen are breathtaking achievements and I will accept no disputes

A Holiday Story

So this is a Chistmas story my mom told me while I was home recently and i thought y’all might enjoy.

So, one Christmas back in the 60′s, my great-grandmother was reminiscing about Christmas in England, and how they used to have pheasant for Christmas, but Ohio sucks and they’d never get to do something like that.

Well Shit!  goes my grandfather,  them woods are full of pheasants, I’ll get you one.  So grandpa and a dubiously related man named “uncle popeye” went out with shotguns to get great-grandma a pheasant for Christmas dinner.

They’re gone for a LONG time.  according to mom, they were basically expecting grandpa and Popeye to be gone for a few hours and come back with a store-bought chicken and apologies.

Instead, they come back eight hours later, covered in mud and freezing cold from the Cleveland winter, but Surprise!  they have a Pheasant.  Great-grandma gives them a lecture about staying out so long and worrying her, but agrees to dress the bird so they can all have a traditional English Roast Pheasant.   Grandpa and Popeye retire to the living room to drink beer and talk about what great woodsmen they are when Great-grandma screams from the kitchen. “TOM!!”  She bellows and literally every male in the house jumps because literally every man has been named “Tom” for three generations at that point.  “THERE’S NO BULLET HOLE IN THIS BIRD.”

They both look massively sheepish and eventually admit that they hadn’t had much luck finding pheasants in the woods and were about to go to the store to get her a chicken when they… backed over the pheasant.

“Then what were you idiots doing in the woods for eight hours?” “We weren’t out there for THAT long-” Popeye starts before grandpa decks him.    Grandma and Great-grandma have to menace them with wooden spoons to get the truth out, but eventually they take thier oversize hiking boots off to reveal bandages. Turns out they had only been in the woods for Two hours looking for pheasants before LITERALLY tripping over one, and they both reflexively aim at the ground and… Shoot each other in the foot.  They hadn’t backed over the Pheasant in the woods.  They’d backed over it in the Hospital parking lot.

And that’s the story of how my great-grandmother made a Roast Pheasant and the ladies of the house got to eat the whole thing while Grandpa and Popey had to watch.

“dubiously related man named uncle popeye” wasn’t even close to the wildest part oh my god! This is such a good story!!!!

So you prompted me to call my mother and ask how Popeye was related to them, and apparently he’s my great-grat-grandmother’s first-husband’s cousin’s son.

The First Husband is the whole reason my mother’s family came to america in the first place apparently.  in 1902, he decided he didn’t want to be father to 9 girls anymore, so he went out for a pint one night and fucked off to Chicago without actually divorcing GGG.  For a few years she thought he’d been killed and dumped in the Thames (these things happened in Liverpool in the 1900′s) and shortly re-married, and Second Husband fathered two more daughters with her, including my Great-Grandmother.

In 1908, First Husband wrote from Chicago for money.  This was a problem because despite fucking off to another continent, they were still married, and GGG was committing bigamy.  Despite pleading her case before the courts that Really, Y’all gave me his death certificate when he didn’t turn up after a month, they fined her an outrageous amount of money and only commuted her prison sentence because “her brood would place undue stain on the orphanage”.

Yes, really.

Second Husband, who was a halfway decent man that only beat her sometimes, suddenly dies of knife wound in a Pub fight, and GGG is left up shit creek with 10 girls and nobody willing to hire a bigamist maid. So GGG attempts to woo First Husband back to England.  She goes so far as to pay a photographer to take Nudes of her to remind him what he left.

That was an exciting Christmas, going through an old album and finding THOSE.

Despite GGG’s heartfelt efforts and godlike booty, First Husband remained in the US, enjoying his new life of running credit scams and bootlegging.

After another 4 years of this nonsense, GGG gets the money to ferry herself and her brood across the atlantic to America, where they weren’t so uptight about the sex lives of domestic workers and she could probably get a job.  The ALMOST come on the Titanic- we found the tickets next to the nudes- but at the last moment, Great-Aunt Liz catches the Measles, forcing everyone into quarantine and saving them from an icy death.  They instead come on the next boat, and have to pick up the survivors of the Lusitania.  Everyone gets lice and has to be shaved at Ellis Island.

Once in america, GGG finds out First Husband has died, For Realsies, please come identify his corpse and also he owes the state of Illinois like $500 in court fees so-

To which GGG goes “LOL, NO.” and moves to Cleveland with her Youngest daughter (my great-grandmother) and her new Russian husband, and takes over as manager of the local grocery store and leads a life of relative american-lower-middle-class comfort until her death in 1928 at age of 58.  

…So you understand our confusion that GG knew of Popeye’s existence at all.

This is the quality content I am on tumblr for! 😂👍🏻 Thank you for sharing this and bless you and your family! 💕

I just wanna know why GGG’s nude photos were just tossed in a family album along with all the other special pictures. Did they just stumble across them between a great-aunt’s baptism pic and another’s wedding photo?

They were in a plain brown envelope tucked in with the 1963 Christmas photos.

Right between the pictures of Grandma’s Dog Spooky wearing like seven christmas decorations (So named because she was totally black except for a white mark on her chest and a propensity for 4AM garbage disposal noises) and of Grandpa getting smashed on Great-Aunt Liz’s Rumballs, to be precise.

@navigatorsnorth @executeness

This person needs to write a book about their family stories. It would sell like wild.

I want to hear more every time this post comes around XD

Art. Pure art is what this is.

Ok, because several people in the tags have pointed out that the Thames is nowhere near Liverpool:

I called mom, again, to ask why the hell i would write that, because I distinctly recall the phrase “GGG was certain he’d been thrown in the Thames” when Grandma repeated the tale for me, but I am also ADHD as fuck and my brain might have invented that sentence. Turns out, the truth is another Hot Mess. The WHOLE line is “GGG was certain he had been thrown in the Thames like his brother, Who ran afoul of several criminal organizations while running cons in London and we’re not sure WHO actually did him in but it was a big affair to travel to London when they fished his body out with the eels.”

So “Thrown in the Thames” was GGG’s colloquialism for “was murdered due to gambling debts” “Why did GGG even MARRY first husband?”  I asked. “He had a nice mustache, apparently.”

And motherfuckers say history is boring.

You know, with all the language throughout Star Wars about “giving in” to the Dark Side, how the Dark Side makes you more powerful, how the Dark Side makes you age strangely and destroys you, it sure doesn’t sound like an “opposite side of the coin” so much as the “deeper end of the pool,” like it’s actually the true form of the force and being a Jedi is about keeping it tamed so it doesn’t eat you the way it actually wants.

the force is entropy

Eldritch Jedi pls

This is one of the reasons i love the second Knights of the Old Republic game, wherein one of the major characters (who defines herself neither as Jedi nor Sith) actually views the Force this way, saying  “I hate the Force. I hate that it seems to have a will, that it would control us to achieve some measure of balance, when countless lives are lost.”

It’s also the game that gave us the two most entropic, eldritch characters in the franchise: Darth Nihilus, whose dark-side-borne ability to feed on the Force and consume life itself has twisted him into a half-living “wound in the Force”, more presence than flesh

and Darth Sion, whose entire body is a ruin, his flesh nothing but ragged scar tissue, every bone and muscle broken and torn, kept animated by will alone as he forces himself, second by agonizing second, to exist

I wish there were more horrifying perspectives on the force like that

#the force is a horrorterror

This is one of the reasons the term “Light Side” never felt right to me, even before it was used in any official media; The Force always struck me more like an ocean than a binary concept: the deeper you go, the darker and more crushing it gets — at a certain point becoming an effectually consistent darkness — and while light filters down and fades for some distance, if there is a truly light “side” it’d be the surface.

Which isn’t to say “the Force is evil unless you flounder about near the top” — just that it’s a natural force, and as such is something you need to respect and be adequately prepared for. (Take electricity, for example: super awesome and pretty dang useful, but OH HOLY SMOKES don’t try and harness it unless you REALLY know what you’re doing!)

In this sense, being tempted by the Dark Side is less a case of “Hey, I wonder what’s on the other side of this coin it looks pretty cool haha oh whoops I’m Space Walter White now,” and more one of “The deeper into this thing you go, the harder you’ll need to fight to resist the ever-increasing pressure, to remain whole, even to just see whatever the heck you’re actually doing.”

(which is why Jedi training is so important: those padawans gotta build themselves a mental Deepsea Challenger!)

THIS META BLESSED ME

Okay but let’s suppose, for a moment, that the Force is actually malevolent.

That would make a lot of sense.

Consider, for a moment, an eldritch parasite. This ancient being feeds off of the life-force of other creatures. Not that unusual, as most living things also consume other living things, to various degrees. But this one is technically somewhat removed from the usual structures of biology. It is a passive and opportunistic predator, for the most part. Whenever a living being that is connected to it - however weakly - dies, it consumes part of its energy, and gets bigger.

As life in the galaxy flourishes, and time passes, this singular entity gets bigger, and bigger, and bigger. Like a catfish; the only limit to its growth is how much it can consume to fuel it. The larger it gets, the more it is able to sink its invisible claws into other living beings, until eventually there is hardly any life out there which hasn’t been ‘infected’ by it, and slated to become its spiritual dinner as soon as its biological form gives out.

And here we actually come to - of all things - the midichlorians. Which, the Jedi use to measure someone’s sensitivity to the Force, which works because midichlorians are the vehicle for the predatory parasite to infest living beings. The immune systems in some people begin to develop a certain degree of resistance to them, which is why some folks have more, and some have less, and this directly correlates to their Force sensitivity. The more midichlorians you have, the worse your immune system is at fending off the parasite.

The Force counters the risk of being bred out of subsequent generations by developing camouflage, and adapting itself into a more seemingly-symbiotic relationship with its prey.

What the Jedi see as the ‘light side’ of the Force, is a reflective layer that this predator has created via its connection to all living things. This network is the honey trap that encourages the beings still strongly connected to it, to spread that connection, because it affords them advantages while they are still alive. But its elements are comprised mostly of echoes and reflections of their fellow prey organisms. Force Ghosts that resemble the departed. Emotions that are transmitted along this layer and between individuals. Small amounts of power that can be siphoned off to impact the environment, and can also spread the Force to whatever living thing it comes into contact with.

This being is huge now, it needs a lot of juice in order to maintain its existence, let along continue to grow. And like most predators it’s willing to expend a certain amount of energy in order to guarantee a bigger pay-off.

The deeper you go into the Force, the more the Force starts exerting its own will through you. And the less you see of the reflected camouflage of it, and the more apparent it becomes that the Force wants large swaths of death to feed it. Which is why Dark Siders often become so preoccupied with things like Death Stars.

But it’s a balancing act. A large population of relatively peaceful Force sensitives, like the Jedi, cost more than they’re worth, because beyond a point they take too much energy from the Force and don’t kill enough people to pay for it. A single individual abusing their powers for self-gain and murdering left and right, though, accomplishes the goal of feeding it. The Force obviously doesn’t want its food supply to die out completely, but this explains the persistent cycles of the Star Wars universe - as a soon as a group of peaceful Force users becomes prominent, they get wiped out by a few Dark Siders who have tread too deeply past the reflective surface of the Force, and become actual vessels for its will.

And then when the Dark Siders have finished killing a whole bunch of people, it’s time for them to go, too, so that they don’t wipe out the entire populace and kill off the Force’s food supply beyond its ability to reasonably recover. The peaceful types then see an upswing, as they are more adept at spreading the Force. So the cycle goes - Jedi spread the Force, Sith kill the Jedi and feed the Force, Jedi kill the Sith and resume spreading the Force. It’s a planting and harvest cycle, and the galaxy is populated with the Force’s living spirit crops. Anakin Skywalker, who was arguably one of the beings most closely connected to the Force, and had an extremely high midichlorian count, basically lived this cycle in its entirety as an individual - he spread the Force as a Jedi, he killed people as a Sith, and then he ended it all in order to preserve his progeny for the next round.

tl;dr - the Force wants to eat your soul. The reason the ‘light side’ types always get so up in their own asses is because what they perceive as the Force is basically their own reflections dangling in front of them like an angler fish’s lure. The reason the ‘dark side’ types get so messed up is because they’re basically the equivalent of those grasshoppers who get infected with a parasite that makes them drown themselves.

This point of view would actually explain both No-Attachment rule and the Order’s cradle-robbing - some more self-aware Jedi saw the Force for what it is and pushed for a rule that potentially would cut births of Force-sensitive kids to a bare minimum. And those who were born Force-sensitive thanks to a quirk of the Force are to be taken from the society in the quickest way possible before they mess up, given tools to keep it at bay, and indoctrinated to never want to dabble in the deeper ends of their ability. It would also explain the whole debacle of Unifying vs Living Force and why Jedi seem to prefer the former - all of the description of the Living Force I came across present it as more ever changing, nearly organic entity and Jedi that use is as more responsive to its nudges, so potentially more inclined to being “corrupted” by it.

The Force as an Eldritch Horror explains a LOT about why people who go to the Dark Side really REALLY quickly jump off the slippery slope

Like

In the course of what is, in universe, LESS THAN A WEEK, Anakin goes from “Maybe the dark side can help me save my wife and unborn kids? If I use it for good?” to “I am going to Kill These Specific Jedi for Selfish Reasons” to “Okay time to butcher a bunch of kids and then take part in a galaxy wide genocide I guess”

And then proceeds to murder his wife and try to kill the Only Other Person Who Has Ever Been Nice To Him just because

Welcome to Japan

Where cars are parked orderly and in reverse

Where fruits can be cubes

Where people keep left

And lamps have different brightness for double beds

People queue up in lines

Applies to stickers too

Where what you get is the same as the poster

you get waved goodbye..?

Relieving both mind and body

Yup.

Smooth train operator

No embarrassing knocking or barging into rooms to check out if they are occupied

When you need an extra hand

For the selfiestas

Brolly holders

Because normal manhole covers are too mainstream

Think diagonal

And anytime u need to soak your feet

Where you raise responsible adults, not brats

And luggage is organised in color codes

When you need help after the condom broke

Instant sanitary gratification

Why they are so welcome at football matches

Where water is that clean in the drains

Nuff said

Source: imgur.com

I’m walking into that school like

Hate crime. It should qualify as one.

Nevaeh is thirteen years old. This happened at Gompers School in the Philadelphia School District. The school district has not issued any comment, but y'all can make yours:

Samuel Gompers School

Address: 5701 Wynnefield Ave, Philadelphia, PA 19131

District: The School District of Philadelphia

Phone: (215) 581-5503

The School District of Philadelphia

Address:  440 N Broad St, Philadelphia, PA 19130

Phone: 215-400-4000

Shakira Law

Do we start with:

1. The fact that this is clearly supposed to be the One Ring from Lord of the Rings

2. “Shakira Law”

3. The implication that children either know arabic or will become muslims by eating a donut.

4. “Free Islamic Donut”

5. or that starbucks is giving kids weird donuts for free and expects there to be no questions about the intricate writing.

One donut to fool them all 

6. Starbucks doesn’t sell donuts

There is one and only one shakira law. 1. Thou hips shalt not lie

How do you fuck up this bad

John Mulaney, a true ADHD icon

I love how he gave this bit at an autism benefit because it is also a heavy Autism Mood™

This is the most relatable thing I’ve ever seen.

Omg

“Victorians were stuffy prudes.”

I’m screaming why does Mamma Mia fit every fight scene so perfectly ajkaslajjddhhajadkjfh

this video is what dnd feels like

ROLL INITIATIVE

This is absolutely the dnd sessions I have

Please reblog if you know anyone who might take party drugs.

this is so important

Also important information: A cop cannot arrest you for something you already took. You can tell a cop to his face that you just injected black tar heroin in your veins and as long as you don’t currently have any on you (including things like syringes or residue in a pipe), there’s fuck all he can do about it.

I take police reports for a living. The number of people who will happily tell someone “Well officer, this fight started because I smoked crack cocaine earlier,” is astounding and also not at all illegal. The criminal charge is for Possession of a Controlled Substance. If you don’t possess any at the time, there’s no crime. The only thing you can get dinged for is if you’re actively on a drug and driving, in which case - DUI.

Please, please, please tell EMTs what you took. They’re not going to rat you out to the cops and even if they did, you will still be okay.

Spreading the word, being honest with paramedics and doctors can save your life

things english speakers know, but don’t know we know.

WOAH WHAT?

That is profound. I noticed this by accident when asked about adjectives by a Japanese student. She translated something from Japanese like “Brown big cat” and I corrected her. When she asked me why, I bluescreened.

What the fuck, English isn’t even my first language and yet I picked up on that. How the fuck. What the fuck.

Reasoning: It Just Sounds Right

Oooh, don’t like that. Nope, I do not even like that a little bit.  That’s parting the veil and looking at some forbidden fucking knowledge there.

How did I even learn this language wtf

I had to read “brown big cat” like three times before my brain stopped interpreting it as “big brown cat”

I’m kinda reading “brown big cat” as “brown (big cat)”, that is, a “big cat” - like a tiger or lion or other felid of similar size - that happens to be brown. “Big brown cat”, on the other hand, sounds more like a brown cat that’s just a bit bigger than a regular housecat - like a bobcat or a maine coon cat or something like that.

yeah, a brown big cat is almost certainly a puma. a big brown cat is probably a maine coon.

yeah, if you put the adjectives out of order you wind up implying a compound noun, which is presumably why we have this rule; we stripped out so much inflection over the centuries word order now dictates a huge amount of our grammar

Just looked up why we do this and one of the first lines in this article is, “Adjectives are where the elves of language both cheat and illumine reality.” so I know it’s a good article.

Things this article has taught me:

TL;DR: No one knows why we do this adjective thing but it’s pretty hardwired in.

Just imagine a world full of beautiful stained glass windows which also generate electricity…

[Oxford Photovoltaics]

This steampunk clock writes the time every minute, and erases it before writing again.

This is the most ridiculous, inefficient, and needlessly complicated thing…..

I know. It seems almost completely unwieldy and useless.

I want it.

okay, but this is really what a Steampunk watch should be. Not just a dial watch with a cover made of bits of brass and copper.

my feeling on this is waffling between “you guys do know the Victorians had like…watches, right?” and “I  R E Q U I R E”

So I looked up funny wedding photos and I was not disappointed.

Like

These are all so wholesome and make for great draw the otp/draw the squad things for when you want to draw characters getting married but also be total dorks.

OKAY SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW WE GOT FROM THIS

TO THIS

Are you freakin serious?!?! This is what the outfit looks like btw

The jeans are even kinda baggy at the shoe??? It’s more of a relaxed fit than skinny???

And she’s not really baring any skin??

Seriously she almost DIED fighting for her right to education and now she has the opportunity to study at Oxford and people are bashing her clothes 😒

She’s a fucking adult who’s done more the past 5 years for equal rights and education than most will do in their entire life’s

Hello! more of this AU! As you can see I began doing the scenes with color, but it was taking too much time! So to speed it up a little bit I continued it with grey colors.

Thanks for all the love y’all gave to this random idea! I’ve had so much fun drawing it so far!

Part 1 

Uh idk who is cuter

Bruh.

THE LIL BABY KISSED HIM WHEN HE WAS TALKING IN SLOTH TO HIM!!!!!