now that i'm semi active again do i have to change my age in my bio i can't believe i'm 22 that's so gross fuck that i'm 17 foreva baby

the crush

i stop for a moment by the gate, my heart bursting with some indescribable feeling, how one might describe tasting blood or getting the lights punched out of you.

but this is not that aggressive, no. this is the lightheadedness that comes with having drunk an entire bottle of sparkling wine the previous night, not having eaten, and uh, having an object of infatuation. some might call it love but my friend oishee calls it 'low iron and you need to eat'

look. i dont have crushes. i dont fall in love. i agonize over and pick apart the intricacies of how people feel about me and hate myself in general because of how people view me, i guess, and the things i say... but. i dont do this because im in love with them. because i want them. to really really really like me. like that.

maybe i've spent so long not feeling like someone could ever like me. so when a beautiful older bandra boy in a floral orange shirt and a warm tropicana smile flops onto the bar seat in front of me at err, woodside inn, and asks me why i cant look him in the eye, talks about the coffee shop aesthetics he's making with dall-e, pays the bill, and drops me home in an auto like a gentleman and says he wont have sex with me tonight cuz im not sober, i, uh, er, kind of fall fucking hard. fuck, someone respecting you is so fucking hot. maybe it's sad that i've never felt that throughout my life but god.

you dont understand. with the knowledge i was meeting a bandra boy, my entire day was on hold. i went out to get the usual hair removal products but also new shoes as there's no way i could wear my tattered chappals to wherever the fuck in bandra we'd meet.

to be continued

Magazine update;

People submitting:

Mash, oishee, me, bhoomi

need to tell them deadlines and what kind of stuff they're sending in

self:

- one article on physical spaces, limimal spaces, thresholds, portals, nature, humans, drugs, and the interconnectedness of this. and on ritual actions; socio technical animism

- another article on; everything everywhere all at once, adhd, attention, drugs and alcohol

- on what a circuit/breaboard is, what tantra is, what tarakhi is

- music; albums and Playlists

- on beauty

- on films

- on sex

- on tarot and myth and zodiac and occult

New year new life means a new mood board right I've spent so long drifting while trying to be in control of my life and having it spiral so away from me that I need to grasp to things that give me some semblance of a personality. I'm so mean to my girls and friends and I'm so dumb about boys it's getting boring boys are boring nikku is so boring, I have the potential to be a hot af bitch who is talented and smart and writes and makes cool shit and I've spent the last year surrounded by beer cans and old monk and hiding it from everyone. I've gained 10 kgs from one year in Mumbai that's what freedom and work and money did to me. I've fucked up so much and I need to do better ok ok ok whatever

But I'll have to start from the beginning

And like. How am I ever gonna find my personality and is it maybe just shit.

Anyway I just need a place to mood board shit for a while and dream I guess I guess I guess

Its okay to be a mess you just need to be hot and sorted and talented while doing it