With all the dire warnings now in the media on the dangers of militant secularists and the imminent threat they pose to the fabric of society, law and order and life on this planet as we know it, I thought I would produce a handy print-off-and-keep list to help people recognise these individuals and show why it's important to resist their perverted ways. The first thing to remember is that most militant secularists try to look like perfectly ordinary people. They wear the same sorts of clothes and may not even look particularly scruffy. They may have a proper job, even a well-paid one.  They may even live in your street and drive around in cars or use public transport just like normal people.  Are you sure your neighbours or even members of your family aren't militant secularists? What about aunts and uncles, even cousins?  They do not have green or purple skin and  very rarely have red eyes.  In fact, in most respects they look just like me or you and are not easy to pick out in  a crowd unless you know the signs. It is important to remember that, just like socialists, they may look like perfectly respectable, ordinary people! However, there are a few tell-tale signs that, try as they may, militant secularists are not able to keep hidden for long. If you learn these they can become fairly easy to spot even across a crowded room. 1. Militant secularists say things like "Um... well, I'm not sure I agree with you on that point", and other stuff intended to destroy your self-confidence. This is because they hate you. 2. Militant secularists often say other people have a right to their opinions too, so showing they are for anarchy and communism. 3. Militant secularists say people are free to believe what they want to believe. This is to undermine the foundations of society, cause moral decay and destroy your faith in God and his priesthood. 4. Militant secularists even disagree with your religion as well as all the others. This is proof that they are Satanic and probably Marxists. 5. Militant secularists may not even send their children to Sunday School or Bible classes. This is because they don't want their children to learn right from wrong. 6. Militant secularists even admit they believe in evolution. This is because they want you to think you are a monkey and don't have a soul. 7. Militant secularists say religion should be kept out of politics. This is because they want to tax churches, make euthanasia compulsory and outlaw marriage. 8. Militant secularists may even say they believe in god. This proves they tell lies. 9. Militant secularists may be seen reading science books and magazines, even in public. This is because they are elitists who want to take over the government and abolish democracy. 10. Militant secularists are often opposed to wars. This is because they are traitors and on the side of foreigners. 11. Militant secularists are often educated and sometimes even scientists. This shows they are probably mad. 12. Militant secularists don't use guns or even shout abuse at people they disagree with. This is to make you think they are moderate and not at all militant. Do not be fooled! Remember these twelve points so you can recognise these dangerous individuals at a glance and can be ever ready to stand up to their sneaky attempts to destroy civilisation as we know it.  God needs your help with this one. Don't let Satan win!

This song was meant to air on the Jonathan Ross Show tomorrow night (23rd December 2011), but at the last minute ITV cut it. Here's my whiney blog about it (originally published at www.timminchin.com):  I really like Jonathan Ross. I think he's a funny, interesting, kind person, and an excellent interviewer. I also really like his wife... But let's not get back into that. Jonathan and his wonderful producer, Suzi, have been incredibly supportive of me and so when they asked me to write a song for their pre-Christmas show, I didn't hesitate. It was the worst possible time to be writing a new song -- I've been overworked and ill, was on tour, and was really feeling the stress. But I wasn't going to say no... it's Jonathan Ross! And my fellow guests were to be Tom Cruise, the divine actors from Downton Abbey, and the ace In-Betweeners boys. So I got to writing. Being Christmas, I thought it would be fun to do a song about Jesus, but being TV, I knew it would have to be gentle. The idea was to compare him to Woody Allen (short, Jewish, philosophical, a bit hesitant), and expand into redefining his other alleged attributes using modern, popular-culture terminology. It's not a particularly original idea, I admit, but it's quite cute. It's certainly not very contentious, but even so, compliance people and producers and lawyers all checked my lyrics long before the cameras rolled. As always with these bespoke writing jobs, I was really stressed for about 3 days, and almost chucked it in the bin 5 times, and freaked out that it wasn't funny and all that boring shit that people like me go through when we're lucky enough to have with a big audience with high expectations. And if I'm honest, it ain't a world-changing bit of comedy. Regardless... On Tuesday night last week, we taped the show. I met Tom (he's nice and quite laid-back off camera, and not very short) and the divine Downton ladies (swoon) and the lovely In-Betweeners chaps (yay) and I did my song and everyone laughed and Tom said it was great and when it was done I ran off set onto the back of a waiting motorbike, got from South Bank to the Hammersmith Apollo in 13 minutes, walked into the building, straight on to stage to sing White Wine in the Sun with Professor Brian Cox. Rock n roll. Subsequently, Suzi and her team edited the show and everybody was happy. Suzi felt it had a nice balance of big-ticket celeb action, local talent, and a nice bit of that cheeky, iconoclastic spirit for which Jonathan is known and widely loved. And then someone got nervous and sent the tape to ITV's director of television, Peter Fincham. And Peter Fincham demanded that I be cut from the show. He did this because he's scared of the ranty, shit-stirring, right-wing press, and of the small minority of Brits who believe they have a right to go through life protected from anything that challenges them in any way.  Yesterday I wrote a big rant about comedy and risk and conservatism; about the fact that my joke has no victim; about sacredness (oh God, not again!) and about the importance of laughing at dumb but pervasive ideas. But I trashed it because it's boring and takes it all too seriously. It's hardly the end of the world. But I have to admit I'm really fucking disappointed. It's 2011. The appropriate reaction to people who think Jesus is a supernatural being is mild embarrassment, sighing tolerance and patient education. And anger when they're being bigots.  Oh, and satire. There's always satire. Anywaaaaaaaaaay... the fun news is that I already had the footage of the song when they cut it. Yay. And so you can decide for yourself how offensive it is! Yippee. I hope you enjoy my silly, harmless, accurate song of praise, "Woody Allen Jesus". And I hope you all have wonderful Christmases.

"This book has it all. Cutting off women's hands for helping to fend off their husband's attackers; directing the slaughtering of children with a bear attack and by mass murder; genocide galore; human sacrifice and the threat of it; and killing an innocent on behalf of others to placate himself. It doesn't take much to come to the conclusion that the author is one sick puppy with major issues, namely he is obviously a psychopath.

The author also claims to love all his children, but wow, he sure has a weird way of showing it. When my children disobey me, and I know they will, I almost never throw them out of the house into the street and place a curse on them and their children for all time. And I sure never nail gun them to the playroom wall, well, ok...just that once. But hey, I'm also sane. 

In one chapter he demands fealty from everyone and makes it part of his major ten requirements, obviously an ego maniac. In the same list however he neglects to make pedophilia or slavery a crime. I'm guessing those things are ok by him. No wonder so many of his self appointed publicists are child molesters, and that it took 1800 years for slavery to finally be banned by reasoned folks... no thanks to the author. 

But look, if you enjoy mass murder, incest, inexplicably hideous and laughable laws, talking snakes and donkeys, the destruction of pigs and fig trees, magic tricks, over one-hundred contradictions, the ravings threats of co-author maniacs, the complete rejection of science, reason, reality and intellect and think you need this book to be moral ...then this obscenity is right down your ally."