Big Organic Man by Jabi Machado, 2015

Oil paint on paper 19 11⁄16 × 25 19⁄32 in / 50 × 65 cm

A dick shaped bottle opener, found at a garage sale

Keith Haring 

Penis, 1985 

So I’m wondering

You know how a few centuries ago people believed that witches stole men’s penises, and hid them up in a tree? You know, like this?

Let’s think this over for a bit. People believed that witches would steal someone’s dick, and hide it in a box in a tree, and if you caught the witch then she would take you to the tree, and you’d climb it and open the box to get your dick back, and there were lots of dicks in the box, moving around, and eating hay, and the witch calls up to you that you can take whichever one you want, so you grab the biggest one, and she yells up at you that you can’t have that one because it belongs to the parish priest. Okay, we all know this story, right?

So it crossed my mind: how does this work, realistically? How do the penises move about? Do they just sort of flop around, or do they use the testicles as though they were tiny, hilarious, saggy feet? How do they eat? Is it through the urethra and if so, do the uncircumcised ones have a harder time eating than the circumcised ones?

Do they sleep, and if they do is it individually or in a little pile like adorable puppies?

Would superstitious Europeans sit around trying to figure all of this out as well?

If they eat, does it then follow that they poop, and if so, how? Is there a litter box in there? Does this mean that the witch has to go up there once a day with fresh hay, maybe some water, and a scoop for the litter? You know, that the penises were pooping in?

Does it then follow that if the penises need care, when the witch is unavailable to take care of them does she get a friend to do it for her?

If this is the case, then the following conversation must have taken place at least once:

“Goodwife Hepple, wilt thou lookest in upon mine penis-tree while I fly off to the Sabbat?”

I literally had my tea coming out of my nose when I read this. LOL!

Excellent news. My new adult, surrealist card game, “What’s His Dick Look Like?!” is now officially ready for purchase!!! After playing the game numerous times across the country with various different people I took everyone’s advice into consideration and made a few minor changes. It’s a lot of fun! Purchase now for only $40 plus shipping: https://www.shannonlester.com/online-store/Whats-His-Dick-Look-Like-Card-Game-p104044787

I am YELLING

Saturday’s are for the boys (my ig is worth it @arvisulovari)

#radriguez - exploration

Spring: *arrives and presents dick prints in basketball shorts in windy Spring weather*

Me:

which word is more evil, “boner” or “erection”? i need to know for a curse im constructing and it has to have as much chaotic energy as possible

you can never be sure who did the dicks

“Why do men still think its cute to send dick pics body” photo Ben Karris (Whitney Bell’s home)

Have a sexy Saturday night everyone! • • The concept of Satan’s Toy Chest was a part of the Evangelical Christian movement to proclaim all commercial toy lines from the 1980’s were leading children to Satan through occultism - in second grade I had to cover the decal of my He-man lunch box because Jesus was the true Master of the Universe - I begged for a My Little Pony or She-ra lunch box but my brainwashed parents weren’t having it - Lisa Frank epitomized the girly colors that contrasted the compulsory hyper-masculinity that I was allergic to - the gender fluid Baphomet is an Evangelical’s worst nightmare…😈 • • I’ll have some new monster pics edited for you by tomorrow … have a wonderful evening !! • •