Just a single batdad trying to feed his hoard of bat children

Based on that new Ben Affleck pic

Realistically, a household the size of Wayne Manor needs more than just a butler, and while Bruce might imagine he can keep his proclivities secret from his own domestic staff, Alfred certainly harbours no such illusions. I've gotta wonder what the orientation lecture he's worked out looks like. Like, of course they're going to be extensively vetted before they ever set foot on the premises, but at some point during the onboarding process the subject of the Batcave has gotta come up – I just wanna know how Alfred broaches that.

serious answer: it’s the sex dungeon, and everyone knows it’s the sex dungeon, and alfred is extremely good at getting across the point, in his Very Proper Butler Accent, that domestic staff don’t get to go anywhere near the sex dungeon EVEN WITH an airtight nda contract because someone at some point tried to leak pics to the gossip mags and alfred had to murder them and it was annoying. alfred takes care of the sex dungeon himself. if you find a secret passage on accident you stop and immediately go tell alfred, so he can close the security hole, because if you follow the secret passage yourself and end up in the sex dungeon, he murders you. also if you ever so much as say the words ‘sex dungeon’ he murders you.

funny answer: everyone knows the batcave is underneath the sex dungeon because everyone knows bruce wayne is batman’s sugar daddy.

the Batkids attempt to recite the Green Lantern oath from memory, and it goes about as well as you’d think

in the shadows

hey guess who has two thumbs and just spent 5 hours straight writing another batman AU?

-

Batman wasn’t a person.

He faked it very well. When the League gathered, the line of his mask against pale skin looked natural and human, a little more perfectly fitted than the Flash’s but not quite as perfect as Green Lantern’s, which was an energy projection and not a real object and thus lay against his face flawlessly, without shift or gap.

His mouth didn’t bend into many expressions and his body language wasn’t voluble, but the emotive gestures that he did make were pretty normal. The rare smile seemed honest. He had a heartbeat, perfectly steady. His shadow (almost) always matched the shape that was blocking the light.

The stories that came out of Gotham, about the Bat—those could be exaggerations, born of terror and manipulated perception. Clark, of all people, knew how much you could convince people to believe things that weren’t real, because they made a better story. Even the scraps of photography and film showing a towering thing of black fog and long fangs could have been some clever trick with projectors.

The fact that Superman couldn’t see through his suit just meant it was well made.

He’d had to pool his observations with Diana and J’onn before he’d been sure he wasn’t imagining things. But Martian Manhunter knew shapeshifting, and said the block against his mind when he tried to touch Batman’s thoughts did not feel quite human. And Superman knew what posing as human looked like. And Wonder Woman knew truth, and its absence.

Batman wasn’t human. Which wasn’t the problem, of course.

The problem was that he was pretending he was. Pretending it rigorously in a situation where there shouldn’t be any need, unless he had something worse to hide. Pretending it in a way that overlaid on a certain inhuman predatory grace began to look very dangerous indeed.

Superman could see both things in him now, watching narrow-eyed through a roof into the room where Batman bent over a child’s bed, cape swirling up larger and darker than he let it get around them. The man and the hungry creature, flipping in and out of focus, neither ever gone but superimposed, like a trick picture that was two things at once.

Knuckles ghosted over the boy’s cheek, claws turned inward, and the child sighed softly, and sunk deeper into sleep. Batman’s heart wasn’t beating, but Clark could monitor the child’s vitals easily from here.

Batman drew his hand back, and tipped his head up—looking back at Superman as though the roof was no more a barrier to his perceptions than to Clark’s. Waited a beat, as if making sure his attention had been noticed, and then passed soundlessly between the other beds to the window, slid it open, and launched himself out through it and up onto the roof.

He didn’t bother to restrain himself to even a plausible approximation of human limits, now. The arm he reached up to the edge of the roof to pivot himself up by was too long, and his shoulder rotated further than it should have been able to, and he landed with impossible soundlessness in a billow of cape that was far, far larger than any cape that only reached to his heels should have managed, and which faded out at the edges into shadow. He knew he was found out.

Superman took the obvious invitation, and sunk down to join him. It was better, sitting like this, facing the same way on the ridgepole of a two-story building. Batman hadn’t hurt that child, that he could tell. There was no need to make this a confrontation.

“I don’t understand why,” he said at last. Out of deference for sleeping children, he kept his voice soft—he would have worried about a human being able to hear it, but now he knew he didn’t have to worry about that with Batman. “Why go to so much trouble to deceive us? We haven’t kept secret what we are. Not from you.”

Alien, alien, user of alien weapon, magical princess…

Batman sighed. He spoke almost as softly as Clark had, and his voice sounded the same as ever, except for the fact that a human voice couldn’t get this quiet without falling into a whisper. “I’m not like you.” He turned.

He’d let some of the details of his human mask fall away—what must have been the exhaustively rendered texture of skin, the flakes of dry skin on chapping lips, a crease at the corner of his mouth that had suggested he scowled or smiled more, outside of his costume. There was no pretense of a jawbone, under the skin, though the jawline externally hadn’t changed. The cowl still looked like something he was wearing, but Clark knew it was not. It flexed like skin when Batman narrowed his blank white eyes and said, “I can see you know that.”

“You’ve visited that kid every day for weeks,” Clark said. “Why?”

Batman stared at him. “How long have you known?”

“Batman…”

“You’re confronting me now because you’re worried about my intentions toward Dick. He changed your mind about something. Ergo, you’ve been sitting on this for a while. How long have you known I wasn’t real?”

Keep reading

Batlantern Commission for @anidiotmonkey

cures my depression with batlantern

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“Batfleck is too fatherly” Yes, Batman acting too fatherly, completely out of character….

fyi this isn’t even his kid, and he knows it, but he is this baby’s dad now whether Selina likes it or not. 

Like

There is so much about Batman vs Superman that looks ridiculous but Batman being fatherly is not one of those things

Have you seen the batfamily?

*snorts* Bruce “isn’t a dad?”

(Pls. Bruce having to put up with Dami’s shit is the best thing ever)

Like please. Bruce not a dad? Bruce, acting “too fatherly?” Pshh, not possible. The entirety of Batman canon would like to disagree with you. He might not know how to express his feelings all the time, but he cares deeply about each and every one of his kids, and has shown it on multiple occasions. I guess we also have to ignore that he actually legitimately has a biological child and three legally adopted children in canon. 

Bruce being “too fatherly.” Heh. That’s a good joke.

I want Bruce as my dad.

THIS^^^^^. The ONE thing I liked about the BvS trailer was fatherly!Batman. It’s my favorite part of Batman’s character, and the part that NEVER gets put into the movies. Lack of Batfam is, like, 60% of my beef with Batman movies.

I’m sorry but I have to put here because I LOVE FATHERLY BATMAN!

Have some of Bruce saying actually uplifting Batdad stuff to Daman. We don’t get that too often.

(From Batman & Robin Eternal #22)

Dick knows he’s not the favorite child. Furthermore, he knows who the favorite is. He’s the only one who remembers Bruce as it was before Jason and after Jason. He remembers how Bruce was with Jason, how happy he was. He remembers Bruce without all that weight pressing on his shoulders, and he remembers Bruce right after the funeral. He knows, when he hears about Bruce letting Jason go, letting him get away with another crime, another murder, who the favorite child is. 

Jason knows he’s not the favorite child, and it’s not too fuckin’ hard to guess who is. Now, Jason was ‘gone’ for a little while, and missed some of it, but he knows. Oh yeah, he knows all about the perfect princess Cass, who can do no wrong, who’s killed and been forgiven for it, who will never, ever kill again. She’s too good at fighting, so Bruce doesn’t have to worry about her getting dead, and she listens to Bruce, so Bruce doesn’t have to worry about another mistake. Yes, he knows who the favorite child is. 

Tim knows he’s not the favorite child because it’s so obvious who is. Tim’s not the jealous type, it’s just an objective fact! Anyone with eyes can see the affection and care and love Bruce has for the murder-child–sorry, for Damian. Anyone can see how Bruce dotes on the youngest son, his constant reminder of Talia. Anyone can see how Damian’s skill impresses him, and it’s not that he thinks Bruce dislikes his adopted kids, but Tim knows that the fact that Damian’s got that Wayne blood–Martha’s nose–doesn’t hurt, either. It’s just..it’s just a fact, who the favorite child is. 

Cass knows she’s not the favorite child. She doesn’t think she’s the least favorite, or anything, but it’s pretty clear that the newest addition to their family is absolutely Bruce’s favorite. After all, would he break his no-meta rule–the most important rule–for anyone? Of course not. Cass remembers how Bruce was when Damian was a meta for a little while there, and Bruce is totally different with Duke! He even encourages his powers and offers to help train them! Duke is so smart and cool and funny, and Cass totally knows who the favorite child is. 

Steph knows she’s not the favorite child. Hell, she’s not even Bruce’s kid. She doesn’t really know who the favorite child is, but it sure as shit ain’t her. 

Damian knows he’s not the favorite child. How could he be, when his father specifically picked all the others and was just forced to keep him? No, his father’s favorite child is the one most like him–Drake. Drake is the smart one, and the Robin father chose, and the one who Damian’s own grandfather labels “detective”. And of course as Drake is the good one, the smart one, the one who doesn’t die or rebel or cause any problems, of course he’s the favorite. Damian understands his father too well, so of course he knows who the favorite child is. 

Duke knows he’s not the favorite child. He’s too new, and besides, if he were burdened with the title of “favorite”, he didn’t think he could stand it. No, it’s obvious that the oldest is the favorite. Dick–the one who started it all, the most talented, the one who’s been Batman. Dick, who always takes care of his siblings and always has a smile and a hug. Dick, who’s reliable and steady and pretty much perfect. Duke gets it, he really does. He likes Dick a lot too, so he can hardly blame Bruce. But yeah, Duke knows who the favorite child is. 

Reblogging with these original tags from OP because they are magnifique. This entire post is lovely. 

just saw someone ask whether batman or spiderman would win in a fight, as if batman would see a brightly-colored sassy acrobat and not immediately adopt him

now, in fairness, peter parker has a history of seeing someone else in a costume and immediately throwing hands only to realize three pages later that there was literally no reason to do that, but it’s not like misplaced aggression is disqualifying when it comes to suddenly acquiring a batdad

The Four Seasons of Batman

Host’s Child: I’m going to watch the Four Seasons of Batman.

Me: Is that a new movie?

Host: the four seasons of Batman are anger…

Me: Guilt!

Host: Brooding…

Me: And adoption.

BUT HE WILL

Patreon giveaway art for K

I was superhappy she asked Bruce/Hal! I was planning and planning and planning  to draw them for almost 2 years! T____T

SO I’M SO HAPPY NOW! My boys.

I ship them hard after I read FabulaRasa’s ff! Read it rn if you havent. Choose any, they all are good ♥

… also IDK the pairing name

Texts From Superheroes: Know Your Role

🎄✨Merry Christmas✨🎄

fan art

The panel that sealed my fate with the batfamily.