Bowow

oh mine god, i accidentally hath sent thou a picture of mine cock and balls...prithee delete it!! 'Lest...thou desire to look? haha I jest, delete it...should thee crave... haha nay, banish it...'lest?

boss told me it was “my turn” to name the bettas

this naturally was a huge mistake

Tag yourself I’m snart

this is the opposite of a mistake.

I’m dirty Dan

No, I’M dirty Dan

OK I KNEW THESE FUCKERS COULD RIDE CATS BUT NOW THEY CAN RIDE FUCKING HORSES??????

WHO THE FUCK THOUGHT THIS WAS A GOOD IDEA

I’ve decided to keep him, but I didn’t realize until after I made his pit that I now cannot sleep because he’s too close to the house, so I now have to make him a proper home

special thanks to a friend on my discord server for this amazing addition

MR. BASARDE IS FUCKING DEAD

I’ve made him and his donkey a grave…

goodbye Mr. Basarde, you will be missed

Object class: *wipes away single tear* Neutralised

this movie came out three million years ago now (sorry for reuploading, had to fix something!!)

audio from it’s always sunny in philadelphia

The party is all half human  half other races looking for their shared human parent.

Change your url op

Human Bard when he sees his gaggle of bastards stumbling into the tavern:

MY NEW FAVORITE VIDEO

it’s like we got vine back for a brief moment

Justin: Do you want me to ask Sydnee real quick?

Griffin: Yeah, yeah.

Justin: I’ll just ask her. Okay, hold on. [sounds of him walking away from the mic]

Griffin: But I wanna hear it!

Justin: [yelling, at a distance] Hey Sydnee! Hey Syd!

Sydnee: [at even more of a distance] What?

Justin: [yelling] Why doesn’t the penis gain fat? [pause] Why doesn’t the penis get fat?

[Griffin and Travis snicker for a while]

Justin: [comes back to the mic] She says Jesus.

Griffin: [bursts into laughter]

I’m not sure what would be better; listing Sydnee as ‘Dr. Sydnee Mcelroy’ so non-fans understand that Justin is bothering a real life doctor, or just leaving her as ‘Sydnee’ so it looks like Justin is asking his wife this insane question like he’s some kind of toddler bugging his mom

I was high off my ass last night and had this dream where I was in this dense ass forest and sitting there was a tall woman. She was so tall I couldn’t see her face but she was wearing gold and I was like “uh...hi?” And she said “I made you, do you know that?” And I nodded and she was like “I hear your thoughts. Why do you hate my creation? Why do you try to destroy yourself? I made you perfect as you are. Please don’t break my heart”. Then she started crying and it flooded and I woke up with fucking heart palpitations like what does it Mean™️????

basic anime girl: *sigh* i’m not as pretty as my sister (｡•́ ‸ •̀｡)

her sister: *has the exact same face and body*

her sister has the exact same face and body but she’s got huge badonkadonks. I mean huge whooperproperdrs.

Just say boobs you dumbfuck asshole

i mean huge wampeedamberfuckalongas

unkiss.

you guys really liked unkiss huh

1) they expensive bruh 2) none of us kno the dif btwn a fucking diamond and some fancy ass glass ur capitalist rock hierarchy has no control over us

3) mostly mined with slave labor

4) we get excited when our date buys us an appetizer, we don’t even comprehend people buying us rocks that would force us into debt for ten years

5) They aren’t actually that rare and the price is artificially inflated. 

Pro tip from a former Jared’s salesperson: You want a sparkly white rock that will look like a diamond to the untrained eye and will literally cost the price of a nice dinner for two? Created white sapphire. They’re lab grown and cost *pennies* to make, so you can get a 1 or 2 carat white sapphire for like… $30-80 probably. You can get one as huge as you like, perfectly clear, perfectly flawless. And no one will ever be able to tell the difference except a professional appraiser. Also, sapphires are the second-hardest gemstone (right after diamonds) so they are very durable! Very unlikely that they’ll chip or crack. Get that bitch set in sterling silver and you are GOOD TO GO. Whole thing should cost you less than $200 unless you get a fancy band with a lot of extra stones. Of course, created sapphires come in every color of the rainbow, so if you want something more exciting than plain white, you TOTALLY CAN. 

Created sapphires and silver: The poor Millennial’s engagement ring. 

THANK YOU EX-JARED’S BASED GOD. 

engagement rings: HACKED

Get a ring from an antique store. They’re usually less than $100, you know they hold up over time, no one else will have one like it, and it comes with the bonus of being haunted by the spirit of some old woman named Edith probably.

thanks edith

straight people ARE stinky

wig!

there were 8 years between 2010 and 2018 where we didn’t exist but were just powering up our heterophobia gages

This is Rebecca Sugar in the SDCC panel reminding you all to take care of yourselves ♥

NINTENDO YOU GOTTA WARN ME BEFORE YOU DROP A TRANSITION LIKE THAT ON ME.