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#worry – @ariaulaarikae on Tumblr
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Ari Aula Arikae

@ariaulaarikae / ariaulaarikae.tumblr.com

A fallen hope. A shattered dream. A broken heart. A lost soul. I’m a person with a lot of personal and life insecurities. I’m flawed, fallible and unfathomable. I’m Ari.
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I Feel Like I’m Losing My Brother…

Currently things at home haven't been going too well ever since my brother’s unexplained hysteria/meltdown last November. Things were back to normal a couple of months after the incident but my brother has been having the same episodes for a couple of months now and they've left us, me especially, feeling worried and hopeless.  My brother doesn't want to see the doctor for some weird reasons… and we've had a lot of arguments with him about this. And it’s been really frustrating for everyone at home.  I feel like he’s my little brother even though he’s much MUCH older than me. A  few weeks ago, we had a heated argument in the middle of the night. Well, actually the argument was only one sided because my brother didn't really seem to acknowledge my frustration. Yup — I totally cracked that night. Luckily my dad, who just got home, stopped us. It was the first time I had raised my voice at my own brother (like, really really really raised my voice). I felt really bad afterward. I didn't know how I managed to sleep after that though… Maybe all that yelling really exhausted me. It also exhausted my voice because it sounded kinda hoarse and raspy the next day. Home doesn’t feel like home anymore… And I feel like I'm losing my brother…  

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What Am I Gonna Do With My Life?

Today, I spent quite sometime deliberating whether I should get myself a new phone. Gosh I didn't know it could be so complicated. Contemplating on buying a new smartphone for myself made me realize how unready I am to own one, and how scary my future would be without a stable job after I leave the National Service (NS). 

I wonder how will I pay my phone bills or my student loan? The amount of money in my bank is embarrassingly...small and it freaks me out every time I think about being broke. I don't really want to live off my parents. They've been so kind to let me live with them and the last thing I wanna do is to ask them for money. 

To be honest, I'm not sure whether I wanna work or study after NS; I just still cannot decide. Do I wanna go back to studying Design? If I do, I need a good portfolio in order to get into a university though. That's a lot of work and besides, I'm not really that great a designer. Sigh. Argh! Why does being a grownup so hard?! 

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