I Feel Like I’m Losing My Brother…

Currently things at home haven't been going too well ever since my brother’s unexplained hysteria/meltdown last November. Things were back to normal a couple of months after the incident but my brother has been having the same episodes for a couple of months now and they've left us, me especially, feeling worried and hopeless.  My brother doesn't want to see the doctor for some weird reasons… and we've had a lot of arguments with him about this. And it’s been really frustrating for everyone at home.  I feel like he’s my little brother even though he’s much MUCH older than me. A  few weeks ago, we had a heated argument in the middle of the night. Well, actually the argument was only one sided because my brother didn't really seem to acknowledge my frustration. Yup — I totally cracked that night. Luckily my dad, who just got home, stopped us. It was the first time I had raised my voice at my own brother (like, really really really raised my voice). I felt really bad afterward. I didn't know how I managed to sleep after that though… Maybe all that yelling really exhausted me. It also exhausted my voice because it sounded kinda hoarse and raspy the next day. Home doesn’t feel like home anymore… And I feel like I'm losing my brother…  

This morning I logged into one of my other facebook accounts (which I barely use) and found out that I'd received a message from one of my ex high school classmate...

It broke my heart when I first read it. High school for me was like a never ending nightmare. I was so lonely and scared. Yes -- I wanna forget everything about it even though there were a few happy moments... 

Even so, I'm glad to know that I came off as "a good friend", "not selfish", "helpful" and "sincere" but I was also not perfect then and definitely am not now. People make mistakes and I think the only way for me to heal and be happy is to forgive and forget my past and just move on... 

I Feel Awkward Around People

Because of my insecurities, I always find myself in a state of profound anxiety, fear, melancholy and solitary. I don't mind being alone though; I feel awkward around people. I feel like people just don't get me... And when I try to let them in, it usually turns out to be a nightmare. Yes -- I have trust issues. I do. Maybe that's why I push people away because I fear of getting hurt... even more.

Sometimes I Run, Sometimes I Hide. Sometimes I'm Scared of You…

Last Friday I was hiding from him.. I didn't want him to see me. I was embarrassed. I feared he would sense my feelings for him. It was actually kinda stupid. 

But today... today he saw me. He sat beside me on the train. I was trapped. I couldn't run away. We talked. He asked where I was last Friday. I lied and told him I didn't know that he came to visit. I tried to stay cool but the truth is I really wanted to run away... but at the same time, I also wanted to hug him and tell him how much I missed him and his beautiful smile. 

I really like him but at that moment, I felt so unprepared. I felt ugly. Why'd you have to see me at my worst? 

I just don't think I'm good enough for someone like him. God, please let me get over him... please...

I Have Fear of Public Speaking

So last Friday, my boss told me that I will be doing an opening speech for his Work Plan presentation this coming Tuesday.WHAT?! EEK! 

The last time I did a speech or a presentation was in Polytechnic and that was so long ago! 

What if my panic/anxiety disorder gets the best of me? Sometimes when I'm nervous -- really nervous -- my voice starts to shake! It's embarrassing. Oh gosh I'm really worried that I might make a fool of myself.

God save me!

My Anxiety Disorder is Haunting Me Again

Lately, I've been feeling lethargic and unmotivated to do things. I don't know why but my body hasn't been feeling really good; I haven't been sleeping well, I get headaches and my back hurts -- stupid scoliosis.. I get anxious a lot too. Oh no --  I think my anxiety disorder is kicking in again. I'm scared.

"You're SO SKINNY!"

I've been eating a lot lately even when I’m not really that hungry. I know it’s bad but recently, I've been getting a lot of comments from people saying that I’m too skinny. People always seem to point out something bad about how I look — my skin, my weight, my everything! I’m sorry I’m not perfect like you… Ugh. I feel so bad about myself… 

I Don't Like Crushing On People...

When you like someone, the thought of them makes you nervous; it makes your heart race. Dang it -- It's been months now and I still have a crush on him... I thought it was over but I guess it'll take a lot more effort and time to let these feelings fade away...

Ahhh this is why I don't like crushing on people... I feel so stupid and hopeless! I need a distraction from this distraction!

"You’re So Skinny it’s Disgusting!"

I’m so tired of hearing people talking and criticizing my weight!

Gee they make me feel really bad about myself... I know that their opinions don't matter but sometimes it's hard not to ignore them especially when you receive such comments on a regular basis... Sigh, why can't I be perfect...?

Let The Rain - Sara Bareilles 

Please Don't Comment on My Appearance...

Whenever someone talks or comment about my skin or my weight or just my appearance in general, I get extremely uncomfortable mainly because I know I don't look pleasing to the eyes. I usually will try to change the topic and a lot of times, I manage to do it. But sadly if I fail, I have to endure the whole mortifying and awkward conversation.

People would give me "beauty advice", recommend me to use so-and-so beauty products and remedies like those pesky drug store saleswomen would do. And in my head I will be like:

But I usually don't voice out what I actually feel; I just keep it to myself and wait for them to finish.

Ah! I hate it when people do this to me. It makes me so uncomfortable. I know some of them have good intentions and are just trying to help but to be honest, the make me feel really really awful about myself. I feel ugly. I feel hopeless.

When I was in high school, I was made fun of a lot for being different. It was a period in my life -- a freaking long one -- where I was going through a lot of changes with my body, my skin, my weight and especially my voice. 

My voice sounded really bad. Every time I tried to talk, my voice squeaked and cracked... and cawed. Yes -- it was that bad! I sounded sort of like a dying chicken-crow hybrid. It was so embarrassing. I was ridiculed and called awful names A LOT. My high school years felt like eternity. I remember dreading going to school every morning, and would always be anticipating to go back home...

I did have a few friends though but I still felt so lonely. No one really stood up for me when I was bullied. I felt like a freak -- I still do though.

I would always find myself being alone during recess. I would go to our school library and hide myself there among the books. Sometimes I would sneak in a sandwich and have my lunch there. Sometimes I would bring my lunch to the boys' bathroom. Yes -- I was that sad, lonely kid who ate his lunch on the toilet, in that dirty bathroom cubicle... 

There were a lot of bad moments -- really difficult times, but I think I'll share them for next time.

I need to open up more... But I'm scared... Eek. The world is such a scary place. Have seen and met a lot of characters. I've realized that nice people are really hard to find. Oh maybe it's just me. I have trust issues, OK... *sighs*

So colleagues at work have exposed my crush for an ex colleague of mine, as well as my sexuality. 

Trying to liberate myself from the demons in me...

Before he left, we took a picture together; his arm was around my shoulder. I was happy. I'm gonna miss him, and especially that smile of his...

It's never nice to be judged. Being judged by strangers is not as bad as being judged by people you know though `cause you don't necessarily have to deal with them on a regular basis.

The people at my work are so judgmental and can be so condescending. They make me feel really awful about myself. It sucks so much that I have to deal with them regularly. This is why I dread going to work every single working day...

Can't wait to leave this place next year...