I'm so determined to fight this flu and be healthy again that I bought myself lots of supplements at iherb lol Curse you diseases!

2014 Resolutions

Reviewing my 2013 Goals/Resolutions. Omgosh what was I thinking?!

So I managed to accomplish 16 out of 51 goals. That's not bad... 

My heart is beating so fast right now... I'm having my first panic attack of the year... 

Panic Attack In Class Today

I have this lecturer who always picks me to read for the class.

So today when I was asked to read like a bagillion passages from the textbook, I was actually having a panic attack. Despite that, I somehow managed to suppress it. It was hard and I'm not gonna lie..

It lasted for some time but thankfully no one knew about it.  Phew...

I REALLY hate getting random panic attacks... 

Scariest Week

Last week felt like the longest week of my life.

My older brother was in an unexplainable frenzy for a couple of nights and had been behaving very strangely that left everyone at home baffled and extremely worried. I couldn’t sleep. I was very worried about my brother and was extremely terrified of what I was seeing. It was so surreal to see him behaving so abnormally delirious. It seemed like he wasn’t my brother; he was someone else.

Thankfully all is well now. Well — kinda but I hope things will get to normal eventually. Unfortunately the incident has taken a toll on my panic disorder. And with everything that’s going on and the fact that my school is finally starting next week, I’m not sure how I will be able to handle the pressure of everything…

I hope there’s good that comes from all these trials and tribulations of life…

Trying times make you think about the most important things and appreciate the little things in life.

Another Sleepless Night

I had never felt so terrified in my life until I saw how scary it was seeing a family member behaving so peculiarly delirious in the middle of the night. 

God, please give us the strength to get through these trying times... 

Ah - I Hate Random Panic Attacks!

This is evening I had a sudden brief panic attack after my jog. The last time I had this was in August. I'm not really sure why exactly it happened but maybe it's  just the aftermath of my tiring jog, compounded by the anxiety that I'm feeling about going back to school again. I always forget how scary it is when it happens. 

Sometimes my panic attacks happen spontaneously. I read it somewhere that panic attacks typically occur suddenly, without warning. Great. Am I gonna live with this for the rest of my life? 

August 2013 -- U Want a Hot Body? U Betta Work, Bitch!

In August,  we celebrated Eid and thank goodness I managed to avoid visiting some of my relatives! If you read one of my older posts, you would know why I despise them. OK -- maybe 'despise' is a very strong....  I'm just not very fond of my relatives. They can be so judgmental, and  are super annoying! lol :S

Last month was also a pretty depressing time  for me because I didn't feel so good about myself -- what's new? I know right? lol. I was worrying so much about my future and wasn't sure whether I should go back to studying or get a job,  which to be honest, I think would be really impossible since I don't really possess any useful skills. And this was compounded by my other never-ending insecurities about my appearance and my sexuality. AH I just hate feeling so insecure... 

So after Eid,  I started to try to get back the weight that I had lost during the fasting month. I'm still trying though but I'm not really sure how much I had  really lost or if I'm gaining any back. I have also started to run/jog at least 3 nights a week for about 30 minutes. It's quite an achievement for me personally and I'm quite proud of myself for being this consistent although I'm gonna be honest that -- sometimes I dread doing it haha but I like how healthy I feel afterwards which makes it worth it I guess lol.

So... yeah, I'm gonna do it again tonight and listen to Work Bitch while I'm running! The song is definitely my latest obsession and it's actually kinda motivating lol. "You want a hot body? You better WORK, BITCH!" OK, Britney... I'll try... @.@ 

Panic Attack On The Track!

Guess what? I went for a run again and it was in the late afternoon this time -- yeah I know, I surprise myself too! I only did about 4-5 laps though. I wish I could do more but I had a cramp in my tummy -- gee I hate when that happens! -- and I had a mini panic attack -- I hate when that happens too! -- while I was running my last lap  Fortunately, I managed to stay cool and recover. I didn't wanna look stupid because there were quite a number of people running on the same track.

One of them though, looked like someone from my secondary school. EEK! Luckily he didn't notice me! Seeing him brought back short but awful memories of my past. Man, I hated those days... I remember feeling tormented all the time when I was in high school. Maybe that's partly the reason for my little panic attack...

Pooped After Running

Last Saturday night  was my first time running since months ago. I thought there would be no one running late at night (11:30 pm) but gosh I was wrong. There were about 3-4 guys  running on the track. All of them were fit; fitter than I could ever be. I felt so embarrassed running on the same track with them but I just kept a straight face every time they ran past me. 

I could tell they were giving me judgy looks, ridiculing me in their heads and saying how awkward and hideous I looked with my unflattering workout ensemble -- Ah those bitches! Maybe I was just imagining that. Maybe I was just not that worth to be noticed. Hey -- I could live with that... But seriously... they're so hot. I wanna be like them! Please notice me... lol 

Having these physically alluring hunks on the same track with me kinda put a damper on my motivation to carry on running. In total, I only did about 4-5 laps and was already worn out. I guess the fact that it was my first time running in a very long time and that I had I had a meal after 7 also affected my overall performance. Dang it! To tell you the truth, after the second round, I already felt a slight urge to vomit. Plus, I felt this odd heaty feeling in my belly -- curse you delicious Nasi Briyani! Despite that, I kept going. I know that was bad but I didn't wanna disappoint myself;  I'd been waiting for this night for so long and didn't wanna let anything stop me. So, after the 5th round I decided to stop because I felt like poop and literally felt the need to poop. Is this normal? Lol Don't judge me! 

Anywho... I'm running again tonight! I'm gonna try to run at least 3 times a week and hopefully keep this up. Wish me luck! 

My Anxiety Disorder is Haunting Me Again

Lately, I've been feeling lethargic and unmotivated to do things. I don't know why but my body hasn't been feeling really good; I haven't been sleeping well, I get headaches and my back hurts -- stupid scoliosis.. I get anxious a lot too. Oh no --  I think my anxiety disorder is kicking in again. I'm scared.

Awkward Gym Experience

Today was my first time going to the gym since... forever. I know I shouldn't be exercising as I'm still recovering from this flu but since my colleagues forced me and that one my goals this year is to be more healthy, I decided to join them. Ah it was so embarrassing! The only thing I did was walking on the treadmill and that's about it!. Most, if not all the guys there were really fit -- omgosh so hunky...! Luckily only a few of them witnessed my social awkwardness... Omgosh -- why did I agree to go there? What was I thinking? lol 

I think going to the gym is so not my thing because I feel so alien. I'll be the only awkward and skinny guy there. It's just. So. Embarrassing! lol I think I'll just stick to dancing to Britney Spears in my room every Saturday morning. LOL